I haven’t written in a long while.
Of course I started this whole blog as therapy for me. Therapy, to get over my ex boyfriend, that helped me. But now just dating in Miami has been not so easy and not exactly fun. I’m tired; I’m tired of all the drama and stress. Shouldn’t it be easy, right?
Let me explain something to you. I am the type of person who gets attached easily to people. Whether it is male or female. I never try to judge a person for what they have been through in their lives, what I look for in any human is a connection. I seek a connection, a common bond with people. I always try to find the good in people. I know we all have it in us, we just sometimes can't see it ourselves to recognize it. Sometimes we were bashed so much in our lives that we think we are not good enough, or we won't make anyone happy. I suffer from that and so many others do too. Lets face it we all have our issues, but there are times when we have to recognize them and move forward. Hence that is why I feel like we have our lessons in life, so we can see things that we haven't seen in ourselves. Sometimes people point out our issues in the worse possible way and it hurts us, because deep down we know that's one of our 10,000 problems that we have. A lot of the time those issues may cause us to be jaded in life.
You have experienced lots of betrayal and loss as a human and what ends up happening are that you now have this ginormous wall up around your heart and you will not let anyone in. It's funny I think I'm one of few people that has been betrayed several times and the way it was done was the worse possible way at least for me. But I will still have my heart open. I will let you in, I'm there live, raw, naked however but you will see every wound every scar everything in me. A lot of people say to me that is bad, do I agree with them, sometimes. I realized if I weren’t like that, than whom would I be. I don't hate anyone in my life; I don't have anger for those who hurt me. Maybe at that very moment when the shit hit the fan I did feel horrible. But now with time and a lot of healing in many ways I have become someone that loves more. It's strange because people will tell me their issues and sometimes I think, "Ok, there is an easy solution for that" but they think it’s the end of the world. I know because I do that. I am great full for the friends that I have in my life because they are all understanding of me, and know the type of woman that I am, and they are patient with me. I seek for someone to understand me, to listen, to pay attention to my moves, point out my bullshit, but at the end of all of it still love me for me!
So I recently met this guy, I had signed back up on match, we met in person and he was very attractive, I of course was nervous, you don’t like to ever feel rejected at all. So I was kind of waiting to see what he thought of me. I of course don’t ever want to be that girl and say, “hey so what do you think about me?”
I didn’t have to ask that question at all, he immediately told me that he thought I was attractive, and just started complimenting me on my eyes and smile, and other stuff. Let’s say our whole encounter with one another was not a traditional date, we told each other maybe way too much than what any other person would of said on the first meeting. The one thing that I couldn’t deny was the chemistry the connection, it kind of felt like this electricity all around us, it scared me and overwhelmed me so much.
What I have realized recently, especially after this whole encounter. We all have our problems in life, all of us do, and no one and I mean no one is perfect. But don’t let other people’s problems become yours, you cannot fix them no matter how much you try, because all you will be left with is a broken heart and the pieces to have to pick up after, when they leave you there high and dry.
We had been talking for about 3 weeks with one another, and like I said everything was pretty fast from the first date, so you can only imagine all the other things that were said and done. It started quickly and ended quickly. I don’t want to say this man was horrible, he was mean, and I hate him. No because he wasn’t, he was sweet and nice to me, we had good moments and we had great moments, and then we had the not so good ones. The situation was this; this is my side of the story, because if he were given the chance to write his side it would probably be very different. I believe we do not see things the same because we are at different points of happiness in our lives. One thing that would aggravate me is that he thought we were not compatible, how would you know that if you don’t even know me! You barely know me; you may know some deeper darker secrets than some other people would know. That doesn’t make you the expert on me.
I think that we may not see eye to eye at the moment because of the fact that we have both had such different experiences in life, and the communication factor is just not flowing. we have experienced maybe similar types of things, we have both been betrayed and both have lost loves, but the way you deal with it makes a huge difference. I just feel like he is still mending a broken heart. He has to go through this process. I cared about him quick, and all I wanted was for him to be happy and I thought that I could be the one to show him that. But instead all we would do is argue.
I felt that the reason why we would argue was because I wanted to have him open up, be fully there and he was just on the fence with everything.
When someone gives you half of the time affection and attention and then the other half treats you like a friend and if you think of getting near him, you get looked at like you are crazy. That confuses a person, a lot! I stuck there.... other people would of left a long time ago. I stayed because I always think things are worth fixing. I can't do all the work. A lot of people would think NO!! You stayed because you can't get anyone else. Fuck that, that's not true, I stayed because I saw something there, and what was it? I have no clue. There is this small ounce of hope still in my heart. I don’t give up on people so quickly.
I am not here claiming that I am rainbows and sunshine, not at all, I have my issues and I can be a pain in the ass. But one thing that I have is hope, there are a lot of people that have lost that, as the older they get. I still believe!!!!
So lets say it ended bad between us, it wasn’t really nice, I was still trying to fix it, but he was tired he didn’t want to deal anymore, because of the fact that I have been this emotional mess with him. I understand, for someone to be tired of that, I was tired of feeling that way. I just felt the way it ended was extremely hurtful, coming from his side. Things were said on his part that are just not worth repeating, but lets just say they were not nice things.
No comments:
Post a Comment