Changes

MIAMI, FL
LISTENING TO: SIA

So I woke up this morning a little down, things will get better I know. The pain that I feel inside is just a pain of rejection, which we never would like that feeling ever as humans. I know that I have many people that love me. They have supported me through the rough times in life.

Sometimes you just still feel all alone no matter how many people are around you in life. I have this strange emptiness inside me that I need to fulfill and I am and have been trying to figure it out for a long time. What am I missing? I usually go straight to guys thinking that it is that. But I know that it is with in me! But what is it? I recently started going to a therapist, I have always believed that it is good for you, especially for people like me that need to have someone help them with the thoughts they have. The way I can describe seeing a therapist is this way. When I get overwhelmed and confused with a lot of things and all the thoughts come rushing all at once and I have no way of controlling them, the therapist listens to what I have to say and puts everything into perspective for me. Like I am her puzzle and she is putting me together.

When I leave her, I feel better I feel like whatever there is that I need to fix it can be done, to not lose hope on it. I’ve been seeing her for a month now, and we are trying to get to the root of what is my problem. Which a lot of the time it stems from your family, your childhood. I am not here to blame anyone for my issues, I’ve done that a long time ago and all it does it makes you angry. What I am trying to do is fill that emptiness that I am missing. People cant fill it for me, things cant fill it for me, not even drugs or alcohol. I’ve done it all to fill it. Nothing has worked. Now I’m not saying that once we figure this out I’m officially cured. NO!!! It takes work, its 32 years of feeling a certain way and then once you find what your problem is it doesn’t change automatically. You have to work at it; you have to let it all fall into place.

I would say that all my addictions that I have and still currently have are due to me and needing to fill something. Not a lot of people know that I in my early 20’s started using drugs. It took me about I believe a year and a half to realize what I was doing, the effects of the drugs were getting to me as well, short term memory loss, weight loss, depression, I wasn’t feeling good about my self at all. I would just cry and be sad all the time. Everything around me in my life was falling apart little by little.

Until I met someone, I had started a new job thanks to the help of my mother’s friend; I was working with kids at the boys and girls club. There is where I met this beautiful soul, broken but beautiful soul. I was broken as well but in a different way.

I thought he was cute, I just didn’t know what to do. I thought just like I always think that he wasn’t interested. I always think that because I have never been the girl to have the guys come up to her. Well he never did. I would talk about him so much to my co-workers that I guess they got fed up with me and just told me to go up to him and give him my number. It took me a minute to get the courage, but I did it, I went up to this guy and talked to him, then said if he would like to go out sometime and then got his number. I was so shocked that it worked.  Now I don’t remember if it was that same night, because my memory is not the best, but what I do remember was going out with him, going to Barnes and nobles and then Wal-Mart and playing in the kid’s section. I had a great time.

Who would of thought that we would have been together for five years.

I owe him a lot, I feel like if I didn’t get that job and never would have met him then I would have never stopped using drugs. He changed my life in many ways; he was my first for a lot of things. He gave me my first born, he was my first engagement, I moved into an apartment with him for the first time.

Even though we are not together romantically in one another’s lives, we are and will always be in each other life because we share a first with one another, our first born, our child that is a little bit of him and a little bit of me all rolled into one. Of course our son is the best parts of us. He is this amazing little boy with such a heart, a heart of gold. Which scares me so much, because if his father and I get hurt easily than I don’t want to see my baby boy with heartache. I know it is part of life to have heart ache. As a parent you don’t want your child to feel pain, especially if someone is doing it to them.

The other day he saw me crying, and asked me what was wrong, I told him that a boy hurt my feelings. He asked me the name of the boy and asked where was he at the moment, so he can go bite his arm. I laughed and told him not to worry, that you shouldn’t fix it with violence. I told him that there are people in this world that will do mean things or say mean things, sometimes they don’t realize that they are even doing it because they are sad inside them selves.

To end this blog on a good note, I know that everything in life happens for a reason, they are test in your life, test to see if you learned from the last test. Because if not than the same test will keep coming up to you over and over again until you figure your shit out. But until then if you continue with the same routine the same pattern then you will never know. I’m going to start trying a different approach from now on. I’m tired of being walked all over and not given what I truly deserve which is everything. J

Thanks again for reading

Catalina