SELF WORTH

Self worth

I have struggled for a very long time, to find the confidence within me. I know that I am an attractive woman.  Like I’ve said in my past blogs. I have struggled with my weight my whole life; I have fluctuated weight ever since I can remember. I as a woman just like many women in this world have body issues.

Why? Because what we see on TV, magazines, billboards, everywhere you look there is something that is saying you can be more beautiful if you did this!

So basically the media and everything else around me is saying you are not good enough. This is just to say that we are all beautiful. We all bring something into this world. I have always strived to try not to judge people in life. Why? Well because I don’t like to be judged myself. I use to be 315lbs so I know that when I walked into a room it wasn’t because of my beautiful sparkling personality, it was because I was heavy.

This blog for me has been a healing process, discovery of some sorts, in finding out my worth, finding that I’m not alone in this journey. We all struggle with some body issues or maybe not body issues, but maybe some insecurity. My last relationship that I was in was not one that was beneficial on the self esteem. I had worked very hard to drop all the weight that I did, and when I got with him, it just made me feel worthless. I know you should never let people effect you, but we are human and words do hurt us especially when it’s close to home. He basically said to me at the end of it all. That I was not what he pictured who he would be with, he pictured himself to be with some other type of person, now he never mentioned in this conversation my personality was that he had a problem with, he was talking about my physical appearance. Well the four years that I have been single and figuring myself out, I have come to see something with in me. What is it?

Well first of all I have stretch marks, the stretch marks that I have, those are memories on my skin, those stretch marks are a part of me, I  could either embrace them or just keep making myself feel bad about them. Some  of those stretch marks are due to the fact of my battle with in myself, I can look at them and they remind me of where I have been before, and they keep reminding me that I don't want to ever get back there. The other part of my stretch marks are the more deeper ones that I have, those were brought by a beautiful creation that I had a part to help making, I was able to create this beautiful child inside of me, and carry him , That is an amazing gift, so no I cant look at those stretch marks as a negative thing. I created life with my body how amazing is that? That's fucking awesome. 

Second I have extra skin, I have the dreaded pooch that a lot of women have. Why again that is due to my weight gain and loss and having a baby, see above for positive reason of why I shouldn't think negatively.

I can now look at myself in the mirror and say hey this woman is beautiful. It's taken me a long time, and yes I have my days like any other human where you feel not so cute, that's normal. It's ok to feel that way sometime, but pick yourself up somehow. You know how I do it; I tend to listen to music to make myself feel better dance music, or just fun music. Or talk to my friends or family; distract yourself in reading something funny or watching something funny, that moment of ugliness will pass. Or what I like to do is maybe put on makeup and a cute outfit and just go get a cup of coffee, whatever makes you feel better just do it!

Another recommendation, to be happy is to get rid of all the negative people, all the negative people that make you feel bad at about your self should leave your world. Yes this is your world, your life. So why ruin it with someone that will make fun of you or put you down in some way. You know they are only doing that because they are not happy in their life and it makes them feel better if they pick on you. I cannot understand the bully aspect because I am not like that, I can’t pick on people, and will I defend myself when someone says something cruel, yes! But will I just go and pick on someone just out of the blue for no reason, a friend, family member, stranger, or a child. NO!!!

I’ve been picked on about so many different things in my life so I don’t want to have someone feel the way that I have felt. I know people may think that I may be too sensitive, or I can’t take a joke, those are usually the reasons that they tell you. Or I love when you start sticking up for yourself and they start getting defensive because you are pointing out things to them that hit close to home. They don’t admit it, but they go off and start calling you crazy. Realize when people are usually cruel; it is not so much about you. Have you ever wondered to yourself why is it that they are my friend, if I can never do anything right by them? Then the better question would be for yourself is why am I still friends with this person if they make me feel so bad all the time.

Reason why I even talk about this right now is because I am going through this as we speak. It is very weird because I know I am smarter than this, I know that I am not this emotional all the time, I haven’t felt this much anxiety in my life well at least not in a very long time. The problem in this situation is that he is not really a friend, he says we are but I kind of laugh at it because really this is not a friendship. My feelings grew for this person, and I just figured that ok, he is broken but I can help him. I can help him see there are good people out there. I tend to call that my mother Teresa complex. I am a people pleaser at heart; I wear my heart on my sleeve. When it comes to men I have realized that I think I can be that one person to make them feel better, help them from their past. I can show them all the love in the world, but really deep down inside the reason why I do that is because if I give my all it will be reciprocated back to me. I am giving my love to the wrong people, because it is not being returned to me. What happens in this vicious circle or the web that we get tangled up in so much that it so hard to get out of. The best way I can describe it is like an abusive relationship, they beat you down and beat you down and then they apologize and give you flowers and you forgive them. That is how it starts then you try not to think of all the bad times, you try to be more of the positive one thinking he will change and I will make him happy. Realize this one thing he will not change and you will not make him happy. Why!!! Because he doesn’t want to change and the only person that can make him happy is himself!!!

I’m going to leave you with this one last thought I read this on someone’s face book page,

“Free yourself from negative people. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and like minded. Relationship should help you not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you-people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself to be YOU- and being YOU is the only way to truly live”

Thanks Catalina