So the other
day I was feeling a bit down, and I needed to get out of my house, so I went
and did my nails, and later went to target to find a dress.
Now I have
not worn a dress in a very long time. I wear long dresses for weddings, but
never a short dress. I might of worn one last year for a friend’s wedding. But again
I didn't like the way I felt, I didn't feel comfortable, and I think I was
heavier at that time. I believe I have lost some weight by then. I don’t know I
haven’t weighed myself but I feel it in my clothes.
So as I am
searching for the right dress, this is not easy at all. I have a specific look
that I like to look for. I am a tall girl with a large frame. So most dresses
are too short for me, but then I go to the clearance rack of target, and there
it was. I picked it out from all the other ones and went straight to the
fitting room to try it on. Now I had other items at hand to try on, so of
course I tried on all the other things first.
Finally when
it was time to try on the dress, I was already having negative thoughts about
it. it’s not going to look good, it’s going to be too tight, it’s going to show
too much leg, which I tend to not be a fan of showing off my legs.
I don’t even
own a pair of shorts and you would think I would since I live in Miami, but no I
don’t.
So as I put
it on, I zipped it up, and pulled all of the rest of the dress down. When I looked in the mirror and I saw myself I
got actually excited. It was finally something that I have been looking for. It’s
like finding the right pair of shoes, or the right purse. I finally found the
little black dress.
I decided to
wear it to work on New Year’s Eve. As I wake up this morning and slip the dress
on and put on my jacket and slip on my strappy wedge black sandals. I looked at
myself in the mirror and saw something that I haven’t seen in a while. I saw
something not just from the outside; I didn't see just the beautiful woman in
the mirror with this exceptional dress. I saw something within. I saw a
confident woman for once, I felt sexy, and I felt classy. I've never felt this
way before. Normally I would need to have someone tell me how I look.
For once in
my life I can finally say, hey the woman in the mirror is beautiful. She is
gorgeous. I may be thicker than some woman, I may have more curves than most
men would like. You know what I don’t care. I finally see the beauty within me.
I’m discovering myself and I am seeing such an amazing woman grow into this
beautiful flower. I do have to thank the
one person that has been there since the moment that we have met, my co worker,
she has been my support since I started working here, she is amazing. She supports
me in so many ways; she was the one that pushed me to buy the dress. She told
me that I need to find a dress that I like and wear it out; if it weren't for
her I probably wouldn't have done this. I owe thanks as well to my therapist;
the past 2 months she had made me see things that I have not seen. Or realize a
lot with in me. It is amazing to finally discover your voice, your beauty, your
inner self. I as well thank a man, a man that I have had a rocky relationship
with, but one thing he has made me so much more aware of me, of the beauty that
I have. You have to be observant of your surroundings, be aware and realize
what people do to you in your life, whether it may be good or bad. If it is
bad, don’t take it as a negative experience, take it as learning and growing
experience, part of you discovery. When it is good, keep them and cherish them forever,
because those are people who will be there for as long as possible.
The three
people who I have mentioned, I care for very much and happy to have there in my
life.
It sucks when you end up caring about someone and they don't feel the same for you, they may care for you but not the way you would want them to.
Sometimes being to nice, can get you in to trouble for your self it can lead into heart ache and that is never a fun thing to deal with. You wish they can realize what a exceptional person you are that you would be loyal and giving and kind. Why try to force it. Sometimes I get these feelings towards certain people and the problem is you end up giving all your love to wrong person. Why waste your time right?
It's in me to care for people I think I was created to care too much sometimes. You would think I would have learned a long time ago with all the shit that I have been through but no I haven't. It's time to let go, this person is not an evil person or malicious. He is just not the one for me, even though I may feel something I just have to let go. I'm going back to what I didn't want. I'm going back to someone who is not honest. I can't do that to myself, I recently found out some things that has made me realize that I can not trust that person with my heart in that way. He doesn't see how much pain he has caused me, and there is no way of trying to show him that. I will always care and he will always have a special place in my heart but it is time to move on time to find someone that will love all of me and will not lie to me. Someone that will cherish the love that I give them cherish me as a woman. I feel slightly betrayed in some way but he will never see that.
If he ever realized it, it might be too late and will have lost me forever.
I was at my
family’s Christmas gift exchange last night, and I had a conversation with one
my sisters in law, and we were just having small talk. Then she asked me the
question that I am not able to really answer very well, which is, “how is your
love life?” that is a tough one.
How is it? How
do I respond to that? Coming from a family that everyone has someone and you
are the only single one, it kind of gets thrown in your face UN- intentionally.
I know everyone says, you are not alone you have all of us! Or you are not
alone you have your son!
It’s not the
same, as humans we are never satisfied in life, we always want more. I of
course want more, the things that I want to change I’m doing, I want to grow as
a person, but for some reason when it comes to the LOVE department, it sucks!!!
I think I have
rammed my head over and over trying to figure out what I am doing wrong in this
situation. I realized I have given my all too quickly, thinking that if they
know the nitty gritty of me, then they will love me for me. One thing we have
to realize is our behavior in these situations. In a way you do have to play
this game. You don’t have to lie or be a player, but you have to weed out the
potential douche bags and assholes. If they really want you for you then they
will show you.
You kind of
have to give yourself in doses, I know some women who do what I do, and it can
come off desperate or needy when really you are not. I think when you like
someone so much all you want to do, is show them that you are the best in every
way, so they can like you. But it ends up backfiring in your face. I know it
has happened to me so many times. I tend to blame the guy, but I’m starting to
see my approach on things. A friend of mine gave me some advice when this guy
and I had our first argument, my friend didn’t really know the whole situation,
but my friend knew how I was and the
only advice he gave me was to give him space. That’s it!!!
Plain and
simple, give space, give you in doses.
It may
flourish to more it may not, we have to start taking out the possibility of it becoming
more because when you have that illusion in your head, you put pressure without
even realizing you are doing that. You might eventually see things clearly,
when you back away a bit.
I once spoke
to a GURU and he gave me the best and such simple advice that you can use when
it comes to MEN. He said that all you need to be is happy, men don’t want a
miserable person who cries all the time and is a nag and is just always
complaining. Now I know that so far people must be thinking why you are
settling for this type of relationship, if you are not satisfied. Well easy
answer, because I care about him too much to let him go. I know that I can
leave, or accept what I get. He has been 100% clear with me on what he wants
right now in life. He wants me there in his life as a friend that is all. I can
either take it or leave it. I choose to take it, before I was expecting more
out of it, I had created this illusion in my head of more with him. We have to
face the facts, well not we but I have to face the facts. He doesn’t want
anything more right now. I don’t know what the future will hold with me and
this “Friend” but what I do know that anything is possible.
I will
continue to live my life, and just be happy with who I am, I will take out all
the expectations from my mind.
Like I said
in my last blog, I will start pursuing some other activities for myself; I am
so hungry to learn something new. So far I have narrowed it down to two things,
first will be a writing class, and second will be studying how to speak Portuguese.
I thought either Italian or Portuguese; I realized that I will have more use to
learning Portuguese here in Miami.
Well if I don’t
write another blog before the New Year, I want to wish you all a happy and safe
New Year.
So 2013 has been an interesting year, pretty eventful, a lot of
changes have happened so far, and hopefully more will come in the New Year.
This year was an amazing year,
My eldest niece got married to such an amazing man. The wedding
was beautiful and spectacular. She looked gorgeous and we danced the night
away.
I met my baby nephew the Italian
for the first time this year, and I fell madly in love with him.
I got a new job, even though it was a scary thing to do, I’ve
realized it was the best decision that I have made in my life and I don’t
regret it at all.
My father won an award for
working at his job for 55 years in the same company.
One of my sisters had the great honor to meet the pope.
My older brother and his
family are happy and healthy and better than ever. My youngest niece is a
firecracker and is such a character.
My son is growing and is healthy and just gets funnier by the
day.
My youngest brother married the love of his life recently, now in
November and I am so happy to finally say she is my sister.
I have made some amazing connections with people throughout the year;
I have dated here and there, nothing stuck. That’s ok!
The one connection that I made now recently was an intense one,
it was something that I grew to care and love for very quickly, I related to
him in so many ways. We were just at different points in our lives. I feel that
I am at the point of acceptance and forgiveness and change, but he was not, he
is still guarding his heart. That is fine, it is understandable too. We all get
to that point in our lives. Its takes only ourselves to finally see the light,
and it takes ourselves to get out of it. All I hope for him is to be able to
find his happiness and hopefully one day he will return to my life and we can
be friends. As for everyone else around me, who is suffering or struggling with
something at this moment in their lives, it will get better. I know the pain is
tremendous right now, and you can’t see anything else but what is happening
to you at this very moment. I promise you it will get better.
I am so proud of me, all the growth that I have had this past
year, I am maturing little by little and I am so aware of everything around me.
I realized that I am an extremely special person, and I have a gift within me,
that I can use in my life, the gift of empathy, the gift of having the
intuition, the gift to care for people.
I’ve been going to therapy for almost 3
months now and it has been the best experience so far, she connects everything
together for me. All my running thoughts that tend to overwhelm me and confuse me
and all my insecurities she putting everything into its place.
We are always changing ourselves and what I want for this New
Year is to keep learning, continue my search for my happiness, connecting more
and more with my son and having our relationship grow.
I want to do a few things this next year and I hope I will be
able to do. I would like to plan a trip. Where? Not sure, I have a few places I
can choose from, maybe go to panama, to visit a friend that literally left on
the plane today to live there. I want to go to and take a class for writing, I
want to play an instrument, I want to do some acting classes, continue working
out and getting healthy, continue writing in my blog, and not let anyone
discourage me anymore with the things that I am doing, start believing in myself
even more. Buy new car, move out of my house. Those are a few things that I
would like to do, my list can change throughout the year. It could get longer
and or shorter. I may do them all, or may not, but I need to at least to do one
thing off this list.
So to end this, take a moment to reflect on this year, take the
moment on the things that you want to do next year. forgive the ones who did
you wrong throughout the year, do not carry that anger that you have within, it
only makes you bitter, and takes too much energy to hate someone.
Of course I started this whole blog as therapy for me. Therapy, to get over my ex boyfriend, that helped me. But now just dating in Miami has been not so easy and not exactly fun. I’m tired; I’m tired of all the drama and stress. Shouldn’t it be easy, right?
Let me explain something to you. I am the type of person who gets attached easily to people. Whether it is male or female. I never try to judge a person for what they have been through in their lives, what I look for in any human is a connection. I seek a connection, a common bond with people. I always try to find the good in people. I know we all have it in us, we just sometimes can't see it ourselves to recognize it. Sometimes we were bashed so much in our lives that we think we are not good enough, or we won't make anyone happy. I suffer from that and so many others do too. Lets face it we all have our issues, but there are times when we have to recognize them and move forward. Hence that is why I feel like we have our lessons in life, so we can see things that we haven't seen in ourselves. Sometimes people point out our issues in the worse possible way and it hurts us, because deep down we know that's one of our 10,000 problems that we have. A lot of the time those issues may cause us to be jaded in life.
You have experienced lots of betrayal and loss as a human and what ends up happening are that you now have this ginormous wall up around your heart and you will not let anyone in. It's funny I think I'm one of few people that has been betrayed several times and the way it was done was the worse possible way at least for me. But I will still have my heart open. I will let you in, I'm there live, raw, naked however but you will see every wound every scar everything in me. A lot of people say to me that is bad, do I agree with them, sometimes. I realized if I weren’t like that, than whom would I be. I don't hate anyone in my life; I don't have anger for those who hurt me. Maybe at that very moment when the shit hit the fan I did feel horrible. But now with time and a lot of healing in many ways I have become someone that loves more. It's strange because people will tell me their issues and sometimes I think, "Ok, there is an easy solution for that" but they think it’s the end of the world. I know because I do that. I am great full for the friends that I have in my life because they are all understanding of me, and know the type of woman that I am, and they are patient with me. I seek for someone to understand me, to listen, to pay attention to my moves, point out my bullshit, but at the end of all of it still love me for me!
So I recently met this guy, I had signed back up on match, we met in person and he was very attractive, I of course was nervous, you don’t like to ever feel rejected at all. So I was kind of waiting to see what he thought of me. I of course don’t ever want to be that girl and say, “hey so what do you think about me?”
I didn’t have to ask that question at all, he immediately told me that he thought I was attractive, and just started complimenting me on my eyes and smile, and other stuff. Let’s say our whole encounter with one another was not a traditional date, we told each other maybe way too much than what any other person would of said on the first meeting. The one thing that I couldn’t deny was the chemistry the connection, it kind of felt like this electricity all around us, it scared me and overwhelmed me so much.
What I have realized recently, especially after this whole encounter. We all have our problems in life, all of us do, and no one and I mean no one is perfect. But don’t let other people’s problems become yours, you cannot fix them no matter how much you try, because all you will be left with is a broken heart and the pieces to have to pick up after, when they leave you there high and dry.
We had been talking for about 3 weeks with one another, and like I said everything was pretty fast from the first date, so you can only imagine all the other things that were said and done. It started quickly and ended quickly. I don’t want to say this man was horrible, he was mean, and I hate him. No because he wasn’t, he was sweet and nice to me, we had good moments and we had great moments, and then we had the not so good ones. The situation was this; this is my side of the story, because if he were given the chance to write his side it would probably be very different. I believe we do not see things the same because we are at different points of happiness in our lives. One thing that would aggravate me is that he thought we were not compatible, how would you know that if you don’t even know me! You barely know me; you may know some deeper darker secrets than some other people would know. That doesn’t make you the expert on me.
I think that we may not see eye to eye at the moment because of the fact that we have both had such different experiences in life, and the communication factor is just not flowing. we have experienced maybe similar types of things, we have both been betrayed and both have lost loves, but the way you deal with it makes a huge difference. I just feel like he is still mending a broken heart. He has to go through this process. I cared about him quick, and all I wanted was for him to be happy and I thought that I could be the one to show him that. But instead all we would do is argue.
I felt that the reason why we would argue was because I wanted to have him open up, be fully there and he was just on the fence with everything.
When someone gives you half of the time affection and attention and then the other half treats you like a friend and if you think of getting near him, you get looked at like you are crazy. That confuses a person, a lot! I stuck there.... other people would of left a long time ago. I stayed because I always think things are worth fixing. I can't do all the work. A lot of people would think NO!! You stayed because you can't get anyone else. Fuck that, that's not true, I stayed because I saw something there, and what was it? I have no clue. There is this small ounce of hope still in my heart. I don’t give up on people so quickly.
I am not here claiming that I am rainbows and sunshine, not at all, I have my issues and I can be a pain in the ass. But one thing that I have is hope, there are a lot of people that have lost that, as the older they get. I still believe!!!!
So lets say it ended bad between us, it wasn’t really nice, I was still trying to fix it, but he was tired he didn’t want to deal anymore, because of the fact that I have been this emotional mess with him. I understand, for someone to be tired of that, I was tired of feeling that way. I just felt the way it ended was extremely hurtful, coming from his side. Things were said on his part that are just not worth repeating, but lets just say they were not nice things.
What I wonder is there really such cruel human beings out there to do that? I never thought that could happen, he opened up and would tell me some amazing things, I know words are words but wow! I just couldn’t believe it. Deep down inside of me I believe what he said (that he didn't mean anything he said), because you kind of have to in a way at certain moments, I find that to be a crock of shit. To be honest, I think he pushed me away because he saw how attached I was and he thought that maybe for me to leave quicker was to say something cruel like that. I know wishful thinking right? Like I said I am hopeful, I still wont lose hope in my life. I just have to move on, all I know is that I think that I will go back on my break of not dating for a long while. I need to continue working on myself, and I can’t have any distractions. All I hope for him to be happy. I don’t wish anything bad upon him no matter the hurt that I feel right now. There is nothing more that I can do; now only time will tell where my life will take me. I hope one day I would be able to see him again and see how happy he is in his life. That is all I hope for.
I have struggled for a very long time, to find the confidence within
me. I know that I am an attractive woman. Like I’ve said in my past
blogs. I have struggled with my weight my whole life; I have fluctuated weight
ever since I can remember. I as a woman just like many women in this world have
body issues.
Why? Because what we see on TV, magazines, billboards,
everywhere you look there is something that is saying you can be more beautiful
if you did this!
So basically the media and everything else around me is saying
you are not good enough. This is just to say that we are all beautiful. We all
bring something into this world. I have always strived to try not to judge
people in life. Why? Well because I don’t like to be judged myself. I use to be
315lbs so I know that when I walked into a room it wasn’t because of my
beautiful sparkling personality, it was because I was heavy.
This blog for me has been a healing process, discovery of some
sorts, in finding out my worth, finding that I’m not alone in this journey. We
all struggle with some body issues or maybe not body issues, but maybe some
insecurity. My last relationship that I was in was not one that was beneficial
on the self esteem. I had worked very hard to drop all the weight that I did,
and when I got with him, it just made me feel worthless. I know you should
never let people effect you, but we are human and words do hurt us especially
when it’s close to home. He basically said to me at the end of it all. That I
was not what he pictured who he would be with, he pictured himself to be with
some other type of person, now he never mentioned in this conversation my
personality was that he had a problem with, he was talking about my physical
appearance. Well the four years that I have been single and figuring myself
out, I have come to see something with in me. What is it?
Well first of all I have stretch marks, the stretch marks that I
have, those are memories on my skin, those stretch marks are a part of me, I
could either embrace them or just keep making myself feel bad about them.
Some of those stretch marks are due to the fact of my battle with in
myself, I can look at them and they remind me of where I have been before, and
they keep reminding me that I don't want to ever get back there. The other part
of my stretch marks are the more deeper ones that I have, those were brought by
a beautiful creation that I had a part to help making, I was able to create
this beautiful child inside of me, and carry him , That is an amazing gift, so
no I cant look at those stretch marks as a negative thing. I created life with
my body how amazing is that? That's fucking awesome.
Second I have extra skin, I have the dreaded pooch that a lot of
women have. Why again that is due to my weight gain and loss and having a baby,
see above for positive reason of why I shouldn't think negatively.
I can now look at myself in the mirror and say hey this woman is
beautiful. It's taken me a long time, and yes I have my days like any other
human where you feel not so cute, that's normal. It's ok to feel that way
sometime, but pick yourself up somehow. You know how I do it; I tend to listen
to music to make myself feel better dance music, or just fun music. Or talk to
my friends or family; distract yourself in reading something funny or watching
something funny, that moment of ugliness will pass. Or what I like to do is
maybe put on makeup and a cute outfit and just go get a cup of coffee, whatever
makes you feel better just do it!
Another recommendation, to be happy is to get rid of all the
negative people, all the negative people that make you feel bad at about your
self should leave your world. Yes this is your world, your life. So why ruin it
with someone that will make fun of you or put you down in some way. You know
they are only doing that because they are not happy in their life and it makes
them feel better if they pick on you. I cannot understand the bully aspect
because I am not like that, I can’t pick on people, and will I defend myself
when someone says something cruel, yes! But will I just go and pick on someone
just out of the blue for no reason, a friend, family member, stranger, or a
child. NO!!!
I’ve been picked on about so many different things in my life so
I don’t want to have someone feel the way that I have felt. I know people may
think that I may be too sensitive, or I can’t take a joke, those are usually
the reasons that they tell you. Or I love when you start sticking up for yourself
and they start getting defensive because you are pointing out things to them
that hit close to home. They don’t admit it, but they go off and start calling
you crazy. Realize when people are usually cruel; it is not so much about you. Have
you ever wondered to yourself why is it that they are my friend, if I can never
do anything right by them? Then the better question would be for yourself is
why am I still friends with this person if they make me feel so bad all the
time.
Reason why I even talk about this right now is because I am
going through this as we speak. It is very weird because I know I am smarter
than this, I know that I am not this emotional all the time, I haven’t felt
this much anxiety in my life well at least not in a very long time. The problem
in this situation is that he is not really a friend, he says we are but I kind
of laugh at it because really this is not a friendship. My feelings grew for
this person, and I just figured that ok, he is broken but I can help him. I can
help him see there are good people out there. I tend to call that my mother Teresa
complex. I am a people pleaser at heart; I wear my heart on my sleeve. When it
comes to men I have realized that I think I can be that one person to make them
feel better, help them from their past. I can show them all the love in the
world, but really deep down inside the reason why I do that is because if I give
my all it will be reciprocated back to me. I am giving my love to the wrong
people, because it is not being returned to me. What happens in this vicious
circle or the web that we get tangled up in so much that it so hard to get out
of. The best way I can describe it is like an abusive relationship, they beat you
down and beat you down and then they apologize and give you flowers and you
forgive them. That is how it starts then you try not to think of all the bad
times, you try to be more of the positive one thinking he will change and I will
make him happy. Realize this one thing he will not change and you will not make
him happy. Why!!! Because he doesn’t want to change and the only person that
can make him happy is himself!!!
I’m going to leave you with this one last thought I read this on
someone’s face book page,
“Free yourself from negative people. Spend time with nice people
who are smart, driven and like minded. Relationship should help you not hurt
you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose
friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect
you-people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is
too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you
free yourself to be YOU- and being YOU is the only way to truly live”
So I woke up this morning a little down, things will get
better I know. The pain that I feel inside is just a pain of rejection, which
we never would like that feeling ever as humans. I know that I have many people
that love me. They have supported me through the rough times in life.
Sometimes you just still feel all alone no matter how many
people are around you in life. I have this strange emptiness inside me that I
need to fulfill and I am and have been trying to figure it out for a long time.
What am I missing? I usually go straight to guys thinking that it is that. But
I know that it is with in me! But what is it? I recently started going to a
therapist, I have always believed that it is good for you, especially for
people like me that need to have someone help them with the thoughts they have.
The way I can describe seeing a therapist is this way. When I get overwhelmed
and confused with a lot of things and all the thoughts come rushing all at once
and I have no way of controlling them, the therapist listens to what I have to
say and puts everything into perspective for me. Like I am her puzzle and she
is putting me together.
When I leave her, I feel better I feel like whatever there
is that I need to fix it can be done, to not lose hope on it. I’ve been seeing
her for a month now, and we are trying to get to the root of what is my
problem. Which a lot of the time it stems from your family, your childhood. I
am not here to blame anyone for my issues, I’ve done that a long time ago and
all it does it makes you angry. What I am trying to do is fill that emptiness
that I am missing. People cant fill it for me, things cant fill it for me, not
even drugs or alcohol. I’ve done it all to fill it. Nothing has worked. Now I’m
not saying that once we figure this out I’m officially cured. NO!!! It takes
work, its 32 years of feeling a certain way and then once you find what your
problem is it doesn’t change automatically. You have to work at it; you have to
let it all fall into place.
I would say that all my addictions that I have and still
currently have are due to me and needing to fill something. Not a lot of people
know that I in my early 20’s started using drugs. It took me about I believe a
year and a half to realize what I was doing, the effects of the drugs were
getting to me as well, short term memory loss, weight loss, depression, I wasn’t
feeling good about my self at all. I would just cry and be sad all the time.
Everything around me in my life was falling apart little by little.
Until I met someone, I had started a new job thanks to the
help of my mother’s friend; I was working with kids at the boys and girls club.
There is where I met this beautiful soul, broken but beautiful soul. I was
broken as well but in a different way.
I thought he was cute, I just didn’t know what to do. I
thought just like I always think that he wasn’t interested. I always think that
because I have never been the girl to have the guys come up to her. Well he
never did. I would talk about him so much to my co-workers that I guess they
got fed up with me and just told me to go up to him and give him my number. It
took me a minute to get the courage, but I did it, I went up to this guy and
talked to him, then said if he would like to go out sometime and then got his
number. I was so shocked that it worked. Now I don’t remember if it was that same
night, because my memory is not the best, but what I do remember was going out
with him, going to Barnes and nobles and then Wal-Mart and playing in the kid’s
section. I had a great time.
Who would of thought that we would have been together for
five years.
I owe him a lot, I feel like if I didn’t get that job and
never would have met him then I would have never stopped using drugs. He
changed my life in many ways; he was my first for a lot of things. He gave me
my first born, he was my first engagement, I moved into an apartment with him
for the first time.
Even though we are not together romantically in one another’s
lives, we are and will always be in each other life because we share a first
with one another, our first born, our child that is a little bit of him and a
little bit of me all rolled into one. Of course our son is the best parts of
us. He is this amazing little boy with such a heart, a heart of gold. Which
scares me so much, because if his father and I get hurt easily than I don’t
want to see my baby boy with heartache. I know it is part of life to have heart
ache. As a parent you don’t want your child to feel pain, especially if someone
is doing it to them.
The other day he saw me crying, and asked me what was wrong,
I told him that a boy hurt my feelings. He asked me the name of the boy and
asked where was he at the moment, so he can go bite his arm. I laughed and told
him not to worry, that you shouldn’t fix it with violence. I told him that there
are people in this world that will do mean things or say mean things, sometimes
they don’t realize that they are even doing it because they are sad inside them
selves.
To end this blog on a good note, I know that everything in
life happens for a reason, they are test in your life, test to see if you
learned from the last test. Because if not than the same test will keep coming
up to you over and over again until you figure your shit out. But until then if
you continue with the same routine the same pattern then you will never know.
I’m going to start trying a different approach from now on. I’m tired of being
walked all over and not given what I truly deserve which is everything. J
So it seems to me that I am not very good with my word, I’m
a few days late when it comes to writing another blog. Sorry!!
So pretty much what has been going on with me and all my
promises or the changes that I said I was going to make has not really yet
happened, at least a few things, first and foremost the celibacy is the one
thing that I have stuck too. Now when it comes to eating healthy and not
smoking that still continues. I have been a bit stressed out lately because I found
out some new information that just has held me back from the goals I wanted to achieve
from the time being. The last blog I had written basically stated that I was
going to continue working in the hotel business thinking that is my career
path. Well I had more time to think and realized that I wanted to go to school
for makeup. So I took the initiative and went to find out info.
I had arrived to the school that I was interested in, and
spoke to an advisor. We got to talking, one question he had asked me if I was a
high school graduate. Now for me for some reason that always has been a tough
question to answer.
Reason being, I had gone to high school, but hated it, I struggled
so much was a very insecure girl didn’t like a lot about high school. The only
thing that I enjoyed was skipping school. I live right across from the school,
so that was what I would do, I would leave because I felt tired or didn’t want
to be in the class and would just walk home.That affected me in a lot of ways, because instead of being able to
graduate with my class of 1999 I had to stay another year because I was failing
my classes. So I stuck out for the other year, but around February of 2001 I had
realized I’m 18 years old, I’m considered an adult now, I can sign myself out
of high school. Basically drop out.
I had attempted to take the GED but truly never really
studied for it. So one of my good friends had mentioned to me, that she found
this place that you pay $400.00 and they send you this test that you can take
in the comfort of your own home, send it in the mail and receive a diploma. Well
I did that, but I never took the test I had given to my friend and she did it
for me.
Cut to 13 years later, and I’m trying to go apply for school
and they are telling me that is an invalid form of high school diploma, which
mind you I have gone to other technical schools before and they all accepted
it. But they had changed the law in 2010.
Pretty much now I have to take the GED, let’s just talk
about karma a bit, it came back in a way and bit me right in the ass.
I have to try to look at the bright side of the situation,
what is it do you ask? Well I can finally complete this step that I need to
complete in my life. I can use this story to my son when he is older and show
him what I had been through in my life when it came to my bad decision after
bad decision I have made in my life.
It is funny because
today I went to his 2nd grade graduation and just hoped that he
continues on this path of doing well. It will be hard because he does struggle,
but he has more reason too, I personally was just such a lazy ass!!
The moral of this story is when it comes to education, you
got to complete it especially high school, it is extremely important. Maybe you
don’t want to go to college right away after high school, that is ok, you might
not know exactly what you want to do, take your time to figure that part out,
but you need, need , need your high school diploma.
