FEAR......

May 27, 2012

Miami, Fl

<3=1 month

Listening to: Kings of Leon

 

According to dictionary.com

Fear  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

  We all have a fear in our lives, whether it may be a fear of heights, or spiders, or for like my older sister a fear of butterflies. When it comes to relationships we all suffer from some form of fear, a fear of commitment, abandonment issues, and rejection. We all have our walls built up, and we slowly bring them down for that person who is there and who is trying to win our heart. I realized recently that I have a fear that scares me so much. I think in some way I was traumatized in my last relationship that it has affected me now when I try to date. I realized that just this weekend. I recently started talking to someone that I had met online; I will call him the Mexican. We had spoken for a week, and finally set a day to meet. We had met on Friday at a restaurant, when we first met it was all smiles and laughter a nervous laughter because we were both attracted to one another. We had great conversation and a yummy dinner, after that we went to go play pool. I had realized out of the many years of my life of dating I had never been treated the way he had treated me. He was so kind and respectful, he would open the car door for me he was just a true man a real man to me, I can’t explain exactly everything that he did different that I had before all I can say is that he was amazing and sweet. The best part after he planted a cute kiss right smack on my lips he then after asked me out on another date for the following day, which I had accepted. The next date was much more comfortable and relaxed less nervous, it was filled with more excitement, laughter, and conversation. 

Today I had woken up with this small weird feeling in my stomach and a bit of sadness, I could not pin point exactly what it was but that feeling kept growing and growing to a big ball of anxiety throughout the day. I would check my phone at every chance I could get to see if there was a call or a message from the Mexican. Nothing!!!!!!!! I slowly started getting a sad feeling over me, I could not pin point it, but later in the day I will have realized why I was feeling that way. Around 11am I had broken down and text him, he responded I had sent some messages asking him if we were still on for today, because we had made plans to go to the movies. He took a while to respond to me; finally he told me he was not sure because he was extremely busy at work. I just responded by saying ok. But deep down inside I was hurt, that anxiety was now officially having all its control over me. Now what I don’t get is how you go from texting a lot and going on two consecutive dates to now barely even speaking to me and now blowing me off. That is how I looked at it.

By the time I got home I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to someone and let it out, I know it was all me, and I was blowing a lot out of proportion but I didn’t know what to do. I spoke to my sister in law just expressing the way I had felt and as I was speaking the tears were streaming down my face. It clicked in my head, as I was saying it out loud why I was feeling this way. I was scared!!!!!

I was scared that he lost interest and I would have blamed it on myself thinking I had done something wrong. Or he found someone else that is better. I know that if it is true it just means that it was not meant to be. But that is the thing I’m afraid of being replaced again. That is how I felt in my last relationship when my ex went on to have a relationship with my best friend at the time while she was still married. That broke me and still has left some big scars, which I always seem to feel that they have heeled but truly I don’t think they ever will until someone shows me otherwise. It is the worse feeling to be in love with someone and then finding out they don’t love you anymore and want to try something with your friend. What that does to your heart, soul, mind, and ego. It makes you feel that you will never be good enough and that you are so replaceable like you are just a piece of garbage. I want this feeling to go away, which I am great full for my friends. I was able to express my true feelings without feeling embarrassed or sad, and I was able as well to distract myself. It is true though what they told me, if nothing comes from it, it  was not meant to be but do not blame yourself for this. Which as well they told me not to text or call him anymore, and if he is really interested in wanting to talk or see me again than he can reach out to me.  It is great to having an outlet to express your fears and having people remind you what your worth is. Which I am worth a lot, sometimes you just need a little reassurance.

I know what my worth is!!!!

What are your fears when it comes to relationships? 

Sincerely, C