Bye...Bye...Bye...To the past

Bye…Bye…Bye….. To the past………

Miami, Fl

May 16, 2012

<3=2weeks

Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie

We go through things in our past to teach us a lesson in life, sometimes we question why these horrible situations happen to us.  I know I have. 

Its funny what the smallest things can inspire me to write, I think it is fate. I turned on my computer so I can start writing about what I have been going through and the first thing that comes on my I tunes which is on shuffle is nsync bye bye bye.

 Why is it that I cannot get him out of my head there is always something that reminds me of him.  Instead of being something good for me he has just been a cancer to me that is slowly eating away at the inside of my heart.  We all have that one person that we fall in love with that destroys us to the core that can make us bitter and angry in life or just not nice people. For example a young man that I work with, he is a smart, tall, funny, good looking (I should not have said that because now he is going to be even more cocky than what he is :)) young man who seems to have been brought up by a good family. We will call him “JUST J”.  He is young he just started living life and already at the age of 22 is damaged by a woman. He was in a relationship with a girl who he gave his all too. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I know it does for me. We all have had that relationship that sometimes it gets to the point of codependency to that obsession. That we think that we wouldn’t be able to live without them if they were not in our lives.  He gave everything to her. That was his first love. What did she do? she took the love that he gave her and basically balled it up like it was just a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Why do we do that as humans? He loved her like no other and gave everything that he could ever give her and if she wanted more he probably would run across a mountain to get it for her.  She cheated on him and made him the man that he is today.

Do you know why most men and woman become the assholes or bitches they are today, it’s because of love and what we do to one another. We become bitter, jaded, and untrusting to the next person that comes in to our life. I know because of this girl this is why he is the way he is, most men that come off as a cocky mother fucker and think they are better than others is only them hiding the major insecurities that they have within. I have come in contact with many people that have had that one cancer in their life that they keep going back to them for more, are we all just masochist? Why is it that we put up with that behavior of someone treating us like we are not good enough for them? We do not deserve to be treated that way. No matter how much we may love that person it does not mean we should be disrespected in that manner.

Now going in to this new life I have to leave the past in the past and not let it come back to haunt me. I won’t let it. As well my friend “JUST J”, don’t let her take you for granted because at the end of the day it will be her loss. She took for granted your love, but don’t let your love just sit there and spoil like old rotten milk. You need to remove this cancer that is eating away at you. Because if not you are going to be old and angry old man. It takes a lot of work to let go and to not be angry. It is ok to feel this way right now. Be guarded but don’t be too guarded there will be someone else that will come into your life that will give you the respect and all the love in return that you truly deserve. One day you will look back at your first love and you will think this is something so small compared to what you have been through in life. As you read this, leave the past behind you, don’t contact her anymore, because all you will be doing is recontaminating yourself with this cancer. We all deserve to be loved, but to what extent?

I know I want it but I don’t want it that bad if it means to me that someone will not accept me for me, if it means degrading myself, or settling for someone that I am not in love with. I want to find a relationship that my siblings have, or like my parents. I have so many role models when it comes to relationships that have lasted either a long time or just started, but you can feel the love when they are with one another.

I know he is out there, and I know he will love me for me, for being the emotional, crazy, goofy, drag queen who likes to wear makeup, and bright colors, who has a child, who is dramatic, and who cries at the drop of a hat, and wears her heart on her sleeve, who is not the skinniest person, who has tattoos, and analyzes everything, and asks a lot of questions, who loves chocolate and music, who loves to dance and have fun and tries to be kind to others and tries not to judge people, but who has been damaged by her past, who is insecure but not to the point that it will impede with her life, who can be financially unstable at times, who loves to sing and make people laugh and will do crazy funny things to make children laugh especially her very serious niece that will only laugh if you dance like a lunatic, There is so much more that can sum me up but that would take too long. This is me and he will accept me for me and love me as I will for him. That is love, love should not be trying to change the other person, and it is accepting them for who they are. Learn from your family we love our family no matter what, right? It is an unconditional love that we have for them and we didn’t even choose them. So imagine the person that we do find.

Can you name or admit the things about yourself like I just did that you want your other person to love no matter what?

Sincerely, C