Slow......

May 30, 2012

Miami, Florida

<3= 1 month and 3 days

 

In my life when it has come down to relationships, I had a tendency of going too fast. Except for my first boyfriend.  I wanted to go slow, because I didn’t know what to expect. After my first relationship and giving him my all to my first love, I had lost my virginity to him and that was serious especially at the time. 

When I was younger I had different views and values then I do now. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl I was once before, because in some way I was much stronger than I am now. Maybe because I know how things are now. After my first heart ache of my life, I still continued to search for Love, call me a hopeless romantic. But every time I have met someone knew I wanted their attention there approval of me. I had always been an insecure person. Again I think everyone is insecure in some form. 

I can analyze myself and tell you why I was insecure, and why I have been searching for this fairy tale Love. Which now at the age of thirty I honestly don’t believe in the fairy tale. But I do believe in love. Is it because I grew up in such a large family and I seek out attention from others. It has not been the easiest thing to grow up in such a large family of 7 siblings where you are the second to last and your father has gotten to the point that he is much older that he is getting a little tired to do what he did with the others.

Don’t think I am blaming anyone for me being the way that I am now. I am just telling you my opinion on how I became the woman that I am today, which is a very sensitive, intuitive, smart, funny, kind and caring woman. I wouldn’t change my child hood at all. Neither would I change my family. Because they are the people that have molded me into whom I am today. But we do have to look at the reality of things and see where this all began.

My father is and has always been an amazing man to me; I see it now as an adult because now I understand him much more than ever. We all have had those moments in our lives that we just could not understand our parents and we were so angry we would say mean things to them because we didn’t get the things that we wanted. I think in some form I grew up feeling the way I did is because my father was not very emotional not one to express feelings or hug, and for a person that is just an extremist hugger and affectionate person I guess I craved it from my father and it can mean many reasons why I search for that male attention in almost any man. I think when we lack things in our lives we tend to go seek from other places, hence me searching for a man. I think that is why people cheat too. Because whatever they lack at home they go out and get it from the first person they get attention from. I am not saying I agree on it I’m just saying that is how I see it.

 I now have realized these things on this journey of mine and just writing this blog alone.

I don’t want just any man; I want a man that has qualities like my father, which would be sociable, hardworking, peace maker, funny, smart, and charming. 

Now getting to know the Mexican, I have realized that I rush into many things in my life, especially when it comes to men. With him it is different, he is a very busy person because he has his own business, but he still tries to keep in contact with me as much as he can, at first I thought it was lack of interest, but I have realized that is not it at all. I think slowly is better for me. And not expecting too much from a person because when you do you tend to get disappointed by the person because you had all these thoughts in your head of what you thought they would do. 

If it doesn’t work out between the Mexican and me then it’s not meant to be. The only thing that I can do is just be myself and have him accept me for who I am. I am just going to enjoy the time that I spend with him and be myself and have fun!!!

So I think slowly is good for me. 

Sincerely, C