May 31, 2012
Miami, Florida
<3= 1 month and 4 days
I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it
is headed at the moment.
So far everything is
calm and great and I am enjoying the slow pace that it is going. I thought I would
want it to go faster but it only means that my son will be getting older and
having to deal with the new things a boy brings in your life.
I have searched for
so long for this love that I have not found yet in a partner. What bothers me
in my own mind is that I have had this amazing love right underneath my nose
for the past seven years of my life. It has been a relationship that has been
with an unconditional love and it will continue to be that way for the rest of
my life. This person has loved me no matter what, no matter how I looked, or
how I treated them and vice versa. He can make me laugh, and smile, and as well
make me angry and sad. I love him and would do anything for him. My
relationship with my son has never been of the normal mother and son relationship.
Call it what you want, understand me or not I don’t care. I just know we all go
through our things as parents and we will never agree on what other parents
will do with their children.
They say the
connection with your child starts at birth. I am not saying I never had a
connection with him, I do and always have, and it is just different. When I saw
a documentary on child birth, I had seen a part where they speak of holding
your baby after giving birth to them. That the hormone that you both have at
that moment creates this bond between mother and child. Whether it is true or
not I can see some truth to that. After Jon was born I was a proud mother of
this little baby wanting to hold him all the time, I wanted him to be as close
to me as possible. As he grew older and he started changing as every child does
I tried to adapt to this change. We had both moved in with his father when he
was 1 and he got closer and connected more to his father, and I felt more and sadder
that he didn’t love me the same, he didn’t want me. (That is what I thought) he
grew closer and closer to his father. I started getting depressed now my
depression was not just because of him; it was many factors that were going on
in my life at the time. It was my relationship with my son’s father it was the
relationship with me as well. I didn’t know what I wanted in life I had lost myself
completely and wanted more than just being a house wife. I didn’t know who I was
any more. I needed to find that.
See I got pregnant at
23 and I have always felt that in your twenties you are trying to figure out
who you are and what you want to do with your life. I didn’t get that, I was
raising a child and my world revolved around him and his father. Now don’t think
I resent Jon for this because I do not, I wouldn’t change my life at all. Because
I wouldn’t have this amazing gift in my life.
The depression kept getting worse and worse to the point
that I would not get off the couch I would not want to do anything I would eat
my life away. This part is hard to admit but I wouldn’t want to take showers or
get dressed, brush my teeth, nothing. I would just pull my hair back put the
first comfortable thing I can find and leave the house if I had to do anything.
I was not fully emotionally there for Jon. Till this day I feel a lot of pain
and sadness to admit that and to see some of the tiny little things that I have
done to him. Children are like sponges and I like to say as well like parrots, I
feel like some of my traits at the time have been seen by him and it shows by
his emotional behavior. I do believe that it has to do with me and his father
arguing all the time in his presence. Now don’t think that the relationship
between his father and I was in any form abusive or extremely bad. It was just
loud and upsetting he had a short fuse and he would get upset and then it just
would make me react and I would get loud as well. He would witness those
things, especially me crying all the time. It is not healthy for a child to see
that. I realized more for both of us that the relationship between his father
and I was not working at all.
Love does not fix
things.
We both loved one another, but it was not enough to make the
relationship work. I had to go and break free from something that I felt that
had held me down. It was not healthy for any of us.
It has taken me a while to realize a lot of things in my
life about me, I have learned who I am and the kind of woman I want to be, the
kind of mother I want to be for Jon and the kind of relationship that I want us
to have. I have learned at the end of the day that he will have this special
relationship with his father, and especially with my mother, but I know that he
will always love me. I will always have mother’s guilt just like many other
mothers have. All I want is for him to be happy in life to grow up with his
heart filled with love and always know that I love him with all my heart and
soul and that I would do anything for him.
For those of you that don’t know Jon, let me describe him
just a bit to you. He is tall for his age, extremely funny and quirky; he is a
bit too sociable sometimes it scares me that he talks to just about anyone. He is
to innocent and naïve for his age I believe. He looks like his father but has
his mother’s personality, he is loud and crazy, loves to sing and swim he is so
caring of others and very sensitive especially sensitive to others feelings. He
loves animals but not real animals; he has a crazy ass imagination. And can
memorize things very easily.
He is my heart and soul. One reason why I gave him the name I
did was because of the meaning behind it which meant gift from God…. He truly
is that.
Parenting is not the easiest job in life but it is the most
rewarding. There is no handbook on raising children you just have to try your
hardest in trying to do the right things for them.
Sincerely, C
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