My last gift from the universe is Ron. I deleted my online
account while I was talking to Robert, reactivated when I had several conversations
with two female friends of mine, they both have met their boyfriends through
online dating, and they both told me to not give up. S o I didn’t, probably a
few days of me chatting briefly with different people. I receive a message, it
was Ron and he had a very simple message, but you can tell he thought about
what he wanted to say, normally you get “HI”,”HEY SEXY”, “YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
SMILE”. I wrote him back, and we messaged back and forth until we decided to
text, later that evening we spoke for 4 hours. We met the following day after
that. What I can say about Ron is that he was respectful, sincere, funny, nerdy,
and just so down to earth, honest as well. We spoke for about four hours that
night and got to know one another even better. The great part about Ron is that
we both have that connection, we both communicate well with one another, we
seem to have similar views on a lot of things, and of course the best part he
is attracted to me and I to him.
My dilemma was that I had started realizing, I was already
starting the self sabotage mode, I do this a lot, and I start to overt think
and think all the negative things that he could possibly do as a man. We had
that discussion about that this evening, I need to relax and just be patient,
relax and realize that he is not only telling me what he feels but he is
showing me as well. Now I really am getting everything that I have asked the
universe when it comes to a partner. I know this is so new and I could be just
jumping the gun with my thoughts, but again then I would be thinking
negatively. All I could do now, is enjoy my time with this beautiful gift that I
was given for whatever amount of time that I have with him, and I need to
always remember that there is always a lesson around the corner, and I feel
that he is that one person to finally make me see that there are those truly
good men out there. They are out there, I know because I have them as my
friends. So we will see what happens
between him and me, but regardless, I will enjoy every moment of it. I want to
embrace life and embrace those that want me in their lives and that accept me
for being me.
The past few months I have been through what will now be an
eye opening experience. I have finally discovered of why everything has
happened to me when it comes to dating. So to make you understand I have to
start from the beginning of about a month ago. I had signed up for online
dating once again. I really felt like I was ready, I was stronger than I have
ever been, and a lot more understanding of what I wanted and needed in a
partner. I embarked on my online dating journey and started the right foot,
well that is what it felt like. Come to find out, I needed to learn a final
lesson before I could continue my journey in life, in finding myself and
happiness, and as well finding a partner. I have frequently reminded you
readers that I have been single for the past 5 years. I would write about my
experiences, especially when it went wrong. The first guy that I met was Tony
and I had a good connection from the instant that I sent him the message. The
first night we spoke for 6 hours on the phone, with several bathrooms breaks
(weak bladder), I instantly started to like Tony, and he was mentally
stimulating, and made me laugh. On top of that I found him attractive. So eventually
Tony and I had met after I believe to be a week of speaking to one another,
brief texts and very brief phone call. It
was a casual encounter, meaning it wasn’t like a date; it was more like a
friend visiting. Tony and I for two days hung out with one another, and it
turned out to be a very fun time, it was at the end when I felt like things had
changed and then he was strange with me. So I quickly started to panic. You
probably are wondering why I would panic?
Now the five years I have had very brief dates meaning they didn’t
last very long. Maybe the guy didn’t like me, or maybe something about him made
me not like him. Or you can have the problem, is that you can meet someone and
like them, and then find out they don’t feel the same. Of course those are the
hard ones to deal with, the ones that you like but find out they don’t and you
get crushed. One little itsy bitsy relationship (it lasted about a month, for
me that wasn’t a relationship) happened last year, and let me just say that was
a bad one. How people can change on you flip the switch per say, they show you
all this amazing side of them, and want to be with you all the time, and then
for whatever reason get bored of you, and move on to someone else, while they
slowly start to distant themselves from you. So when you have had bad
experience and bad experience after the other, then you will be traumatized. You
will now have all this data basically on men, especially when you keep meeting
the same kind of man. It seems to be that a lot of men are afraid of women like
me; I am a woman that will challenge you, a woman that will question a lot, a
woman that is extremely multi facetted, but someone that is so in tune with her
emotions that she will tell you everything she feels. I understand not everyone
can communicate what they feel like I do, not everyone can empathize and relate
to your emotions, and not everyone is as intuitive as I am. That stuff scares a
lot of men, and Tony was one of those men that just couldn’t hack it. He runs
away from anything, and will give up quickly just to not to deal with anything
that might have a little difficulty. But that just shows you the type of person
that he is. Would you want to be in battle with that kind of person? Nope.
After Tony I met my soul mate, now I know what you are thinking. A lot of
people confuse soul mate for that one person in your life that you marry. But
with the research I have done, I found out that a soul mate is not a person
that you fall in love with and he is perfect for you. A soul mate can be anyone;
it can be your mother, father, sister or brother, a friend, a guy or a girl. You
can have more than one soul mate. You can have 10, I’ve realized that this year
I have several soul mates in my life, those friends that you just know that are
always there for you and you can count on for anything. Well I have those. But I
am going to only speak of the soul mates that have come into my life the past
few years, and why they are in my life. My male soul mates. I have 3, my first
soul mate is the first male friend that I have ever had, I can go to him at any
time and ask for advice, and he will give me the straight answer, in his own
rough way that I can only understand because I get him. His name is Joe, and Joe
has been my friend since I have been 18, and one thing about Joe, I don’t have
to see him all the time, but when we do get
together, it always feels like it was just the other day I saw him. Then
after Joe, a few years ago, the universe introduced me to Albert, Albert has
opened my eyes to so much, in life. We spend a lot of time together when he is
here visiting, and I have recently told him that I feel like he is my own
personal guru. He always makes me see such a different side of the situation
whenever I’m seeing it another way. Now last but not least my sensitive soul
brother, that gets me and accepts all of me and like I say to him, you get all
my crazy. Cesar has been in my life for about a year now, and Cesar was one of
those men that I had liked and got super disappointed when he didn’t like me,
after constant discussions, and back and forth, and trying to understand me and
I him. We have finally truly both grown and become much stronger people, that
our friendship is so much stronger than ever. I love these 3 men so much, the
thing that they all have in common would be me and understanding me and
accepting me for me. They have been showing me this whole time that there are
men out there, who are not assholes, who are genuinely honest and down to earth
and appreciate everything that I offer as a friend.
The One good thing that Tony gave me was the little tip, was
to watch the secret. I’ve never seen it before, when I finally saw it a week
after Tony disappeared, I had an aha moment (like Oprah calls it). I discovered
a different way of thinking, which it made me feel positive about things, now I’m
not going to say that I have been 100% positive. But I did feel like after
that, the universe sent me a gift, to show me that I am not done learning my
lesson. The universe sent me Robert; I met him online as well. Now with Robert,
he was much more attentive, so positive and sweet, and I liked him. When we met
it was like we were old friends, I was starting to feel a little pattern going
on, and how comfortable I had felt with Tony and then the comfort level was
much stronger with Robert. Robert and I had finally met and I started liking
him quick, he was giving me everything that I had asked for in a man. He was
kind, respectful, caring, and attentive. But there was a problem, Robert didn’t
feel the same attraction towards me, I was hurt, hurt and saddened because I really
thought maybe this was going to be something more. But I discovered it was just
that, it was something more! he was that last piece of my lesson. Robert from
the beginning was very receptive to my openness and my impulsive behavior. When
I was upset and sad by the fact he didn’t feel the same, I would let him know
how upset or just express emotions that I was feeling. I would tell him things
thinking he would respond to me, like all the other guys would. “OH YOU ARE
FUCKING CRAZY! OR I CANT HANDLE THIS, YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE”, or whatever they
say. I expected him to be an asshole. Each time I reacted or had diarrhea of
the mouth and just say whatever I felt at that moment, he would always respond
with a kind and positive response.
You see my problem is, I’m so blinded by the past that I have
encountered with men, that I can’t see those good guys, I can’t give them the
benefit of the doubt , I automatically go to negative mode.
As my 34th birthday slowly approaches, I begin to
reflect on my past and what my accomplishments are, and what I still need to
work on. I have been through a lot this past year; most people would say that
2015 was not good to me. I actually think it has, I lost my job that I was
miserable in and wanted to get out of the negativity hole. Then of course lost
a friend who I thought was a friend, but turned out she wasn’t that. A friend
is someone that is supposed to be there for you and not judge you and support
you whatever you do. I came to find out that wasn’t at all what I had. This
person would speak of me in such a negative way and would say that I have not
amounted to anything. Maybe in society’s standards I may not be wealthy or have
all the amazing things that a lot of people strive for these days. I don’t want
that, I want happiness, and to succeed in my goals that I have created within myself.
I want health and I want to do what I love and passionate about. After all of
that happened shortly after I had lost my place that I was living in, moved
back into my family home, and then eventually my car basically gave up on me as
well.
I can look at all of those things and be depressed over
that, but what I ended up doing was embracing all the changes that were
happening in my life. I questioned often why these things were happening to me,
constantly. I now realize that if I didn’t lose my job, I wouldn’t have hustled
and come up with such amazing ideas when it came to my art. Losing that friend
was the universe removing this toxic person to bring a new people and to make
me realize that I need peace in my life. Losing my car had made me walk more,
and be healthier. So did I lose anything? No I didn’t, I actually replaced
those things for something better. Again losing my job=finding my passion,
losing my home= being at home with family that support me in what I do with my
life, losing my car=walk more=health, losing a friend= gain new positive friends.
So yes we can always look at things for what you think they
are, but you truly have to look at the bigger picture. The signs are all there
but a lot of people are too busy and going way too fast to look at the signs
and see why these things are happening in your life. I have realized that I have
so much support in my life especially with what I love to do, when it comes to
painting. I’ve never had so much positive words being told to me from people I don’t
even know, which that is always amazing to hear.
Dating
I’ve recently had gone back on to online dating, I thought
that I was ready in some way to find a companion. A lot of the time when people
go online is due to boredom and loneliness. It has been hard sometime throughout
my 5 years of being single, wanting to have that companionship and to be able
to grow with that other person and be supportive. This time it was short lived,
I went on again and I would say I had two eye opening experiences. I’ve learned
even more about myself every time I meet a new person. The first person that I met
was pretty cool, what I thought was cool, but then had realized I had met
someone that wasn’t being their authentic self, they were at a crossroads in
their life, the few days that I knew him, I saw a fun side, then I realized he
is battling a few things deep down inside within himself that I was not able to
help. The moment you confront a person like this, and say to them what you feel
or think, they automatically get defensive and tear you apart. That is someone
that is not honest with them; the universe brought him into my life for a
reason, to teach me something about me, and to make me see the good and the
things that I still need to work on. As soon as the universe brought him to me,
the universe quickly took him away. It
was a very confusing moment for me, I like to believe peoples word and what
they say, but again not everyone is going to be honest with you and they will
tell you what you want to hear.
Shortly after that encounter, the universe
threw me a curve ball, a very attractive curve ball, again to teach me many
lessons with this one.
Have you ever met someone for the first time, and felt so comfortable with them, like you have known them forever, they even look a bit familiar too, like you have met them before, and like you can say or do whatever and wouldn't be judged? Well that is how it was with the next person that came into my life, I will call him blue eyes. Blue eyes came into my life in
such a strange way never expecting for it to turn out this way. From the moment
I saw his pictures and read his profile I was initially drawn to him. He gave
me a good feeling that he looked to be a good guy, honest, and caring. When we
first started messaging each other the conversation flowed so easily, like
speaking to an old friend. Then eventually moved to text and then to phone call,
when we spoke it was so odd that we had so much in common with one another, we
had been through a lot of similar things in life, very similar personalities
and morals and beliefs. It was great to have this positive experience after the
last person. The day that we met was such a great night, I truly don’t think I’ve
opened up to a stranger the way I did with him. We had a connection that was
undeniable, there was chemistry as well, and I was truly hopeful of the
situation.
So what went wrong? I had questioned that a lot, I think it
had to do with many different reasons, first myself was one of the problems, I am
so use to the negative outcome that I always look for those signs and then I never
enjoy my time with the person. I over think and analyze down to the bone and
ask questions like I’m a five year old with so much curiosity about a subject, I
overwhelmed myself with all the over thinking, I feel that it was sensed by old
blue eyes. That of course is not my most attractive trait. Old blue eyes was
open from the very beginning with me, and still this day is, he sees me as a
friend, and agrees we have a connection with one another, a connection that he hasn’t
had before. What I appreciate the most about him, he has been 100% honest with
me, and has listened to me when I had questions. He has been very patient with
me and has not pushed me away like a lot of people have done. I am a very rare
kind of breed, and sometimes it is hard to understand me, and for some they
just get me and accept me, and that is what he did, he has accepted me for me,
he has not once criticized me or pointed out things like the last person did,
he has been absolutely kind to me. Again we can look at the negative outcome
and say woe is me, but I didn’t lose anything, I gained another honest and true
friend in my life. I know old blue eyes and I will be long time friends.
Thankful
I am extremely thankful
for all of you who are in my life and who support me in what I do, for my old
and new friends that are in my life and who listen to me when I’m stressing
over dumb shit….. Thank you.
For the friends that push me to be better because I want to
change, but sometimes have those negative thoughts that block my way…..thank
you.
For my family for supporting me in this process of growth
and still becoming this amazing woman that I am becoming….. Thank you.
And for all my supporters and lover of my art…. I want to
thank you as well.
It has been quite some time since I have written anything; let’s
say I have new material to write about.
I believe I have
spoken before about what my passion is. I had discovered painting about a few
years back. I’ve gotten good feedback from a lot of people, as well I had
recently branched out to doing other styles of art work, so I don’t just do
abstract art. About 3 months ago I felt my world kind of slowly started falling
apart around me.
I was working at a job, where I was miserable in. Now I wasn’t
miserable doing the work, I was just miserable with the way that I was being
treated on a daily basis. I felt that I was verbally and emotionally abused in
many ways. Let’s just say kids are not the only ones that are getting bullied
these days, adults are as well. Things that were said to me were truly very
inappropriate to say or ask, the tension in that office was always on high. You
basically had to walk on egg shells around certain people; it was a very bi
polar environment to be in. I was miserable always trying to prove myself of
how hard I was working, but I just kept getting told that I had no heart in my
job. When someone keeps bashing you constantly over and over again, of course
you are not going to want to put your effort into it anymore. They never saw up
even until the last day that I had worked there I would arrive an hour early
before anyone else was there and leave 2 or even possible 3 hours after work,
probably mentioning a few times I stayed late, but when I kept getting
reprimanded for that I just stopped mentioning it and stayed late anyway
without asking for more money, but remember I have no heart. I had found
another position at another job and informed them of my new employment. I was
happy but yes I was emotional as well, I have always been the type of person to
care and I will always care 10 times more then the next person. One day I woke
up not wanting to go back into work, I had informed that I would be late. I had
called the new job to see if could start earlier, they said yes and agreed with
me that I could start that following week. I was so happy, but terrified for
what I was about to do. I’ve never left a job so abruptly the way I did with
this one. It sucked the life out of me, I was always crying and unhappy and
tired, feeling bad about me getting beat down a lot, it’s not a great feeling
to have. I texted them, they were not the most ethical company I have worked
for or even professional for that matter. Plus I didn’t have the balls to call,
so I sent a text saying that I wasn’t coming back and that was it. Feeling relieved
of this big stress that was lifted, I pretty much just stayed home for a while
then got ready to go out, feeling happy for what I did, never thinking that my
world started slowing crumbling right after that. Hours later driving to my
nieces house, I had checked my email what I saw there just shocked me and couldn’t
believe this had just happened. The new job that I had gotten hired for- which I
had signed all the papers did the drug test did everything that I was asked to
do. They had sent me an email stating that the job that I was hired for the
position was frozen.
Monday came a long and I had called that company to find out
more information on why this was done and maybe I would just start later or
something. Nope I would not be working there at all.
It totally crossed my mind that the old job had something to
do with this, but then I thought, ok yeah that’s fucked up if they did it but
what am I going to do with knowing that information, that will not pay my
bills. I just needed to figure out how I was going to be paying my rent and
everything else. I had applied to everything you can imagine.
I Started painting up a storm that was all I would do paint,
look for jobs online, sleep, eat and repeat. I barely was going out. I was
trying to find ways of making money to be able to save my place; I was selling
purses and paintings. I was hustling my shit like it was crack.
The realization of many things with all of this that
happened to me was it made me conquer some fears I have had for a while, it
made me sign up for my 1st art show, and it made me start painting
and discovering so many other things to paint. It made me realize who my true
friends are. It made me forgive a lot of people, it made to never forget. This has
made me stronger; secure about whom I love this person that I am becoming. I am
much happier in life doing what I love to do. Will it put food on the table, no….
not yet… but it will.
One thing that I am still working on is, learning to let go
of the anger that is why I have my painting to release that. I just want to say
to those that have come into my life and were there because it was beneficial
to you in some way to find out information about others but not even care at
all about what I am going through….. fuck you, for those friendships that ended
for the most dumbest reason on this planet and never having the balls to
discuss with me on how you felt, but you can discuss it with everyone else and
their mother, and having people uninvited me to a party because you couldn’t bear
to see my face….Fuck you, for those who will not speak to me because of that
friendship or randomly talk to me whenever you are bored…..Fuck you, for those
guys who have lied and cheated and called me because they wanted something from
me but pretend they don’t and then call me crazy only when I call them out on
their shit, or men that have told me in my face they would fuck me but not date
me because I’m too FAT!!…..Fuck you, and last but not least for that person or
persons that insulted me profusely and treated me like garbage and loved being
fake and phony about anything and everything, the difference between you and
me, is that I know how to love and I know how to change my ways, but you don’t and
you never will……… Thanks for showing me that shitty side of this world has to
offer……fuck yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu.
I have a right to be angry.
I have found me, and
will continue to find me, I have found these two incredible friends who are so
supportive and don’t gossip like they are channel 7 news. I still have a way to go when it comes to my
struggles, but little by little the good will come out of this all and it will
show in my art.
Thank you for Reading
All the paintings you see in this blog are for sale just email me at artbycata@gmail.com
Check me out on instagram and on facebook just type in Artbycata.
So yes when I hear or see things like that, of course I will
defend my side, even though I am not that big anymore, I will always defend, especially
if you have never been overweight. I can only speak for myself when it comes to
my weight. For me it started when young, it was an emotional eating behavior
that I had started to do as a child more so as a coping mechanism and gradually
got worse as I got older. Now in my thirties, I feel like I have gotten more of
a control over my eating habits. Especially after going to therapy and even
reading a book that my therapist had recommended to me. The book is called when
food is love, very good book and I highly recommend it, the author made sure to
not make it like a self help book, but more so about her life and the stories
that she had been through.
So back to the vegetarian, when I read her post I at first
thought twice to even say anything. Then I realized that it doesn't have to be
an argument (my thoughts in my mind: “just write something respectful and get
your point across, who knows she might actually understand or want to listen,
just do it what is the worse that could happen”) so I did, I wrote to her and
basically said that she shouldn’t assume that just because people are overweight
doesn’t mean that they are fat slobs that are lazy and don’t care. No!!!!! Some
people are overweight due to medical issues, and others are because of
psychological, stress, depression, eating disorder, and maybe they choose to
just be overweight because they love food too much. You can’t judge a book by its
cover, you can’t assume so quick. Of course it is only natural as a human being
to do so, to assume. She had responded back, a very long message going off on tangent
saying that she is helping these people by telling them to put down the bacon,
then she goes off on being a vegetarian and why she is a vegetarian and how the
animals are brutally murdered and how they lay in a cage with all their shit
and piss, and then we ingest all of that. She goes off even more talking about
how she knows about depression and that she takes anti depressants and so she
knows what people go through, and that those people should just go get help.
It is easier said than done, the best way to describe the
want or the need to lose weight or to stop a very bad habit, it is almost like
a click in your head, an epiphany, or like Oprah says an aha moment. That is
when you have it in your mind to change. I had responded back to her basically
saying that she pretty much went off topic, I was never speaking badly about
vegetarians, I have friends who are vegetarians, that is their choice, if that
is what you want to do then great I applaud you for doing that. What I care about is when someone like this
vegetarian criticizes and demoralizes those who have probably heard it day in
and day out that they are fat. Just
because you are someone who is of average size, who is accepted by the overall population as “beautiful”,
“normal” or “skinny”, Doesn't mean that you are now the dietitian for all
fucking fat people in this world. You can’t even begin to understand and
truthfully hopefully you will never understand what it is to be and or even
feel that way. Speak of what you know, not of what you think you know.
So to the vegetarian, I truly hope that your ignorance will
change into knowledge and awareness, you don’t motivate people by being hurtful
or mean, you motivate by praising them, Again
only to the ones who ask for your motivation. You have no right to go to a
random person and tell them they are fat and they will be healthier if they
stopped eating all the shit they eat. We are aware of the consequences; the
problem is we have to realize when to start making conscious choices in our
lives. As to a response to your last reply, just
because you are a vegetarian for what 3.5 seconds doesn't make you all high and
mighty of nutrition my dear. Go on continue with your little trendy thing to
do, because I don’t really believe you are a true vegetarian, but that is
neither here or there. Yes I will be having a beautiful fat fucking 2015, happy
new year.
So for all of you whom have read this blog I truly hope you
realize that being cruel and insulting to
anyone who is different and whom don’t live up to society standards doesn't mean that they are horrible disgusting
people.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine as we walked in
the park today. We do what all friends do; catch up when we haven’t seen each other
in a while. Telling her about my latest dates and the things that are going on.
When I get with this one particular friend we don’t really gossip per say, we
talk more about life, our goals and what we want and expect out of life. We
have meaningful conversations and deep ones too. She had mentioned that she
read my latest blog post. Which is funny because I always feel like no one
reads it. She inspired me with her words, just like she said that I have
inspired her. She had mentioned that I speak my mind and that is the best part,
is that I don’t hold back and I say what people think, but most people are
afraid to say what they think.
I have always gotten in life that I am too open, that I need
to not say or reveal too much. I ask myself why? If I am not ashamed or worried
about being judged than why should I hold back with my thoughts or experiences.
I truly don’t care if what I say makes people uncomfortable, I say what I say
which I feel has true meaning behind it all.
If I tell you a story about a date that I have been on, or
my weight issue, or even about family. Maybe just maybe it might have an effect
on someone’s life; it could possibly make a difference in someone’s life. You
might be able to relate because you are most possibly going through the same
thing. Plus I reveal what I want to reveal, I know that people can use it
against me, which has been done before, or I could possibly be judged for the
things that I say. I will not apologize or with hold any information. Judge me
all you want, criticize me, look down upon me, think what you want to think
about me, but just so you know I truly don’t give a fuck.
I was put on this earth to touch people’s lives somehow. I feel
that I need to make a difference.
Recently I had gotten in a very heated discussion through
social media with a girl that I have met once. We will call her the “vegetarian”.
Let me describe this girl to you, gorgeous girl, beautiful face, amazing body,
you would think by looking at her that she has got it all. Let me tell you
slight back story, I had met her at a mutual friends party for the fourth of July
this past year, when I met her I thought she seemed nice, but when she started
speaking, that’s when I realized that there was so much more inside. You can
say I psychoanalyzed her quick. Let’s just say from one woman who has had her
fair share of moments of insecurities you tend to easily spot the ones that are
like you.
Now the reason why I got into an argument with her was over
a post that she had put up on instagram. She had taken a picture of a plate of
food, which on the plate was some veggies and I believe what appeared to be
quinoa. Underneath her picture she had commented saying something along the
lines of it is great being a vegetarian, then goes off to talk about all the overweight
people around her and basically implying that they are disgusting and can’t
even walk carrying their plate of food because there is so much food on their
plate. Let me say one thing, I usually am not the one to comment on many things
when it comes to social media, but when I do it is because it is something that
I feel like I need to stand up and say no! You are wrong, how about looking at
it this way. Plus like I’ve said before in other blogs, I have gone through the
trials and tribulation of being overweight and losing weight. I have had those
moments when people are staring at you when you are so big, or not being able
to fit in an airplane seat, or roller coaster ride.
When it came to the umpteenth time of online dating, I felt
like I was a master or some type of pro to tell when someone is bullshitting
me. The problem to catch a bullshitter it can be somewhat easy of sorts. But
when the bullshitter believes their own bullshit then that is when it’s much
harder to tell. Even though the four dates I had been on was just that four
dates with four different guys, I honestly took something out of each of them.
They all were kind in their own way, respectful in some sorts, some more than
others. At the end of it all, the 3 out of the 4 were brutally honest with me.
I greatly appreciated it. Even though getting rejected time and time again was
a blow to the ego. You realize it is not because you see a future with them, you are sad because you wanted someone to
like you for once, someone to pursue you, someone to show you that you are
amazing. That is the problem these days; we seek validation from so many in our
lives which is total human nature to do so. You have to learn to be able to
validate yourself. I felt like I got
duped mainly by the one that we shall call the vampire. I call him the vampire
because his line of work deals with blood that will be enough said. I had a
really good time with him, we hit it off, everything felt like it was going
great and then you get that dreaded text, oh yes text!! Not a phone call. It’s
not you, it’s me text. I am not ready for a relationship type of answer. I laugh
at it, because not 24 hours earlier, you were singing a different tune. Fine, great thanks for being honest, I guess.
The one thing that I hate the most is from anyone, not just a man, but any
human being is the fact that you kind of give these false promises, you say you
will continue being friends. HAHAHA all of a sudden you are FUCKING President
Obama, your schedule is so jammed packed with work and conferences and all this
bull shit lies. Come on stop lying, to me and stop lying to yourself. I respect
that so much more when you tell me the truth.
Vampire out….
Then there was the florist, the florist reminded me way too
much of my last boyfriend, the one who cheated on me with my friend. I was
attracted to him, which I felt from his vibe that he wasn’t really attracted to
me, or he found parts of me attractive. We had good flowing conversation and
enjoyed each other’s company, but you can tell he was tired and wanted to go
home. I would have kept walking around.
He reminded me way to much of my ex, especially when it came to anything
that had to do with PDA. That had to be in private, I felt like I was with my
ex all over again, who was ashamed of kissing me in public. We did kiss in his
car, and it was nice, but I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere else. A few
days later, I got the dreaded text; hey I’m not fully attracted to you. Again
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH TEXT? Why can’t you grow some balls and tell me over
the phone at least. Whatever, people
will just say he didn’t have to say anything he could of just disappeared.
Florist out….
Then last but not least was the fisherman, very attractive,
very respectful, sweet, and to top it off, we made each other feel very
comfortable and laugh like crazy. He was one of the ones that I truly enjoyed
getting to know. What I really liked the most about him is how empathetic he
tried to be. He always tried to relate to some tough struggle you might have
gone through. It is truly fascinating how you can have this amazing connection
over the phone, but everything can change so quickly once you meet in person.
When I saw him on our date, I was happy; he was attractive in person, a little
quiet at first, Again still sweet. I knew immediately when he saw me, he was
not interested. I’ve seen faces light up when a pretty girl walks into a room,
his did not light up. One thing that I always do on my dates, is to always have
a good time, and take advantage to truly get to know this person and have fun
make them laugh and who knows. Worst
case scenario is either you will never see him again or you become friends.
Long story short I had a great time, I laughed so much and it truly felt like I
was with an old friend. Next day I had to ask. So I did, he responded to my
question and basically told me that he saw me like a friend. I wasn’t mad, I
understood. I feel like with the fisherman, when he was honest with me, I
really did believe him, I believed he was genuine. As it goes for a friendship,
I don’t feel like we will be BFFS, I do feel like he will keep in contact with
me.
Fisherman out….
So as it goes, I dipped my toes back into to the dating
pool, it didn’t last as long this time around, only because I’ve discovered my
true priorities and what is important in my life. It all goes back to ME!!! I
know that none of these men worked out because it was not my time, I’m growing
more and more each day to understand and to accept these things. Again this is
not me forgetting about men in general or thinking that I will never date
again, No! This is me just saying that it will happen. When? I don’t know, and
that is ok. I have all the time in the world and I know that when that time
comes, that person will be the one to accept all of me and my crazy bullshit.
As I sit in the bath tub, I feel like a scene in the movie.
Like this part of being in the bath tub is a moment of clarity and cleansing. I
lay there reflecting on my life and how I have gotten to this point and I ask
myself would I change anything at all?
The answer is no, not at all.
This year it will be ten years, a ten year anniversary of
being a mother and five years of being single. Both anniversaries have had its
ups and downs. Both are paths of discovery, discovery of the kind of woman you
can become, or want to become. I know that my happiness is important. It is
important for me but as well for my son.
For those who have read my blog, you should know it first
started a way of therapy after having a very bad break up. Then the blog would
discuss all my dating adventures in the tiny little bubble that we live in
called Miami. I have always tried to inspire, or make people laugh with my
blogs.
If I could describe myself in a few words, I would say
unique, different, rebel, crazy. My favorite word would be crazy; I have been
called that many times by many, especially men. Guess what? I have turned that
negative word to something positive for me in my life. A lot of people tell me
that I am a person that reveals too much of myself, people are shocked and
baffled by the things that I write, but have you ever questioned yourself? If
there weren’t people like me then there wouldn’t be self help books, novelist,
and artist and so much more, people who choose to share their life experiences with
the world. I have always said to myself that if I can touch one person, or make
them feel like they are not the only ones out there going through a difficult
time in life then I have done my job, then I had made a slight difference in
the world.
My journey for love has not been the easiest; I have
struggled with insecurities, what the men thought of me, and seeker of
validation. Throughout this whole process I have discovered myself and have
come to realize who I truly am. I briefly went back online doing the whole online
dating again that was short lived. I went on about four dates and decided to
give up. Not give up on love; it was more of an eye opening experience for me,
it was a realization of sorts. I realized that I need to fall in love with me; and
keep discovering me, I am accepting more and more each day that if I don’t find
that person I will be ok!
Do you know that every date that I have been on, every
single guy that I have met I knew instantly that it will not go any
further? Call it a gut instinct or call
it what you want, but every single man that I have met; I look at and think ok
this guy belongs with this kind of girl. I don’t have a type of man that I
expect to be with. I just know that guy and I, we are not supposed to be with
one another. It’s almost kind of matching an outfit together, but knowing that
my cute sequence top will not go with that plaid skirt. Again I am not saying
that you have to, match perfectly, opposites do attract. I just have a sixth
sense for these types of things. There are many people that I meet and when I
look at them, I see a match that is perfect, sometimes we choose the wrong
outfit and we keep wearing it over and over thinking it is complimenting our
ass our bust line but then we realize it is just bringing out the negative
qualities out or making us look like a skank . We want to find some outfit that
will accentuate our good features. The only way we can find the right outfit is
by really figuring out first what you want to wear because if you choose the
wrong shoe the whole outfit will be all wrong.
I know that it’s a silly analogy comparing your partner to a
pair of shoes or a skirt but in some way you can kind of relate. Of course it doesn’t
always apply.
I have always been the type of girl to give every guy a chance,(ok,
well not every guy, there does have to be a connection of sorts) you truly
never know who you will meet and if they are the one for you. Just because he
may not fit your perfect little list of standards or looks doesn’t mean he is a
bad guy. I had gone out with a guy a few months back, he wasn’t I guess someone
that I would initially be all over. Something about him the way he was the way
he treated me, made me see the beauty in him. The problem why that never worked
out was due to immaturity, insecurities and let’s face it, if people are not
truly honest with themselves and he wasn’t. He was most definitely not honest
with himself, so that right there is a recipe for disaster, what makes you
think he will remotely be honest with you. That ended up not on a good note, he
continued to lie to me and I truly was tired from it all. I had given him too
many opportunities to just be honest, but he continued to do the same. So after
random text, here and there, on both parties, and he had called me crazy
several times, I eventually blocked his number and just told him to leave me
alone.
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