Reflection...Dating.... Blue eyes

Reflection

As my 34^th birthday slowly approaches, I begin to reflect on my past and what my accomplishments are, and what I still need to work on. I have been through a lot this past year; most people would say that 2015 was not good to me. I actually think it has, I lost my job that I was miserable in and wanted to get out of the negativity hole. Then of course lost a friend who I thought was a friend, but turned out she wasn’t that. A friend is someone that is supposed to be there for you and not judge you and support you whatever you do. I came to find out that wasn’t at all what I had. This person would speak of me in such a negative way and would say that I have not amounted to anything. Maybe in society’s standards I may not be wealthy or have all the amazing things that a lot of people strive for these days. I don’t want that, I want happiness, and to succeed in my goals that I have created within myself. I want health and I want to do what I love and passionate about. After all of that happened shortly after I had lost my place that I was living in, moved back into my family home, and then eventually my car basically gave up on me as well.

I can look at all of those things and be depressed over that, but what I ended up doing was embracing all the changes that were happening in my life. I questioned often why these things were happening to me, constantly. I now realize that if I didn’t lose my job, I wouldn’t have hustled and come up with such amazing ideas when it came to my art. Losing that friend was the universe removing this toxic person to bring a new people and to make me realize that I need peace in my life. Losing my car had made me walk more, and be healthier. So did I lose anything? No I didn’t, I actually replaced those things for something better. Again losing my job=finding my passion, losing my home= being at home with family that support me in what I do with my life, losing my car=walk more=health, losing a friend= gain new positive friends.

So yes we can always look at things for what you think they are, but you truly have to look at the bigger picture. The signs are all there but a lot of people are too busy and going way too fast to look at the signs and see why these things are happening in your life. I have realized that I have so much support in my life especially with what I love to do, when it comes to painting. I’ve never had so much positive words being told to me from people I don’t even know, which that is always amazing to hear.

Dating

I’ve recently had gone back on to online dating, I thought that I was ready in some way to find a companion. A lot of the time when people go online is due to boredom and loneliness. It has been hard sometime throughout my 5 years of being single, wanting to have that companionship and to be able to grow with that other person and be supportive. This time it was short lived, I went on again and I would say I had two eye opening experiences. I’ve learned even more about myself every time I meet a new person. The first person that I met was pretty cool, what I thought was cool, but then had realized I had met someone that wasn’t being their authentic self, they were at a crossroads in their life, the few days that I knew him, I saw a fun side, then I realized he is battling a few things deep down inside within himself that I was not able to help. The moment you confront a person like this, and say to them what you feel or think, they automatically get defensive and tear you apart. That is someone that is not honest with them; the universe brought him into my life for a reason, to teach me something about me, and to make me see the good and the things that I still need to work on. As soon as the universe brought him to me, the universe quickly took him away.  It was a very confusing moment for me, I like to believe peoples word and what they say, but again not everyone is going to be honest with you and they will tell you what you want to hear. 

Shortly after that encounter, the universe threw me a curve ball, a very attractive curve ball, again to teach me many lessons with this one.

Have you ever met someone for the first time, and felt so comfortable with them, like you have known them forever, they even look a bit familiar too, like you have met them before, and  like you can say or do whatever and wouldn't be judged? Well that is how it was with the next person that came into my life, I will call him blue eyes. Blue eyes came into my life in such a strange way never expecting for it to turn out this way. From the moment I saw his pictures and read his profile I was initially drawn to him. He gave me a good feeling that he looked to be a good guy, honest, and caring. When we first started messaging each other the conversation flowed so easily, like speaking to an old friend. Then eventually moved to text and then to phone call, when we spoke it was so odd that we had so much in common with one another, we had been through a lot of similar things in life, very similar personalities and morals and beliefs. It was great to have this positive experience after the last person. The day that we met was such a great night, I truly don’t think I’ve opened up to a stranger the way I did with him. We had a connection that was undeniable, there was chemistry as well, and I was truly hopeful of the situation.  

So what went wrong? I had questioned that a lot, I think it had to do with many different reasons, first myself was one of the problems, I am so use to the negative outcome that I always look for those signs and then I never enjoy my time with the person. I over think and analyze down to the bone and ask questions like I’m a five year old with so much curiosity about a subject, I overwhelmed myself with all the over thinking, I feel that it was sensed by old blue eyes. That of course is not my most attractive trait. Old blue eyes was open from the very beginning with me, and still this day is, he sees me as a friend, and agrees we have a connection with one another, a connection that he hasn’t had before. What I appreciate the most about him, he has been 100% honest with me, and has listened to me when I had questions. He has been very patient with me and has not pushed me away like a lot of people have done. I am a very rare kind of breed, and sometimes it is hard to understand me, and for some they just get me and accept me, and that is what he did, he has accepted me for me, he has not once criticized me or pointed out things like the last person did, he has been absolutely kind to me. Again we can look at the negative outcome and say woe is me, but I didn’t lose anything, I gained another honest and true friend in my life. I know old blue eyes and I will be long time friends.

Thankful

 I am extremely thankful for all of you who are in my life and who support me in what I do, for my old and new friends that are in my life and who listen to me when I’m stressing over dumb shit….. Thank you.

For the friends that push me to be better because I want to change, but sometimes have those negative thoughts that block my way…..thank you.

For my family for supporting me in this process of growth and still becoming this amazing woman that I am becoming….. Thank you.

And for all my supporters and lover of my art…. I want to thank you as well.

Thanks again for reading this.

Peace, love and happiness

Catalina