Failure

Miami, Florida 

Listening to: Paramore

Song: Last Hope 

Have you ever felt like you are a failure?

I think this is only human nature to feel like that in life. It’s what you do with that feeling, do you sulk in it? Do you let it stay there in your mind and start believing your own inner dialogue with yourself? Most of the negative inner dialogue that you have with yourself, the words, and the things that you feel is to be true about your self is actually not. Most of those thoughts are from your past or from what people have told you on and on again, because at the end of the day that is there perception of you.

Even our own families, the people who know you the most, will be the number one group of people that will put you down. Why? Well for many reasons, but again every family is different. Let’s just say big or small the family that you have, there are many different personalities that may not agree with you or like things that you do. Yes they love you, and only want the best for you. Always remember that this is your journey, not there’s so whatever it is that you want to do in life whether it is to go to school, or not go to school, don’t let the negative reactions from others affect your life and plan, because what happens when all is said and done. Your family is gone, friends have moved on. What do you have left? Yourself, this is your life, your journey, don’t let others opinion on your life dictates what you should or should not do.

I can honestly say that yes I have failed at many things that I have tried to accomplish, because it was too hard, or I didn’t like it anymore.  I sulked at all the failures that I have racked up in my life, but now as an adult I can easily talk about my experiences of the many failures and have learned from it, now having had that happen, the choices that I have made and letting others around me influence my ability on thinking I’m not good enough, that maybe this isn’t for me because people are telling me that maybe I should do something that might take less time, or easier.

Why is it that when you have something that you really feel passionate about and you think you would be great at it, and then when you announce out loud, and say hey guess what I’m going to study psychology or be a nurse or whatever the case may be, most of the time the response in return is a negative comment, like are you sure that is what you want to do? Maybe you should think about that a little bit more, because that is many years of school. Instead of what you want to hear, or expect a common response to be is Oh My Goodness that is amazing, congratulations, you get negative. Of course when you finally get the congratulations it doesn’t really feel great because now your mind is just brewing with all the negative comments that people have told you and you are now second guessing yourself.

You have to have a strong sense of self; it’s not easy when all you have heard in your life is purely negative. You feel like you can never be good enough for anyone, you can never be the right kind of person that they want you to be.  You need to find that support in your life, people that will push you and validate you and make you see that you are going to finish what you have started out, and they will congratulate you when all is done, these are the same people that will not judge you if you choose not to continue whatever path you have chosen for yourself, that is a true support system. I can honestly tell you that I have that in life, some family and some friends. One friend in particular whom I say I’ve watched grow literally since I was a child. She had set her mind to becoming a doctor from probably the age of 15, she is now 32, and is doing her residency. She has overcome so much, all the negativity that people have probably told her, having to leave her family for months on end to travel for school. Now one thing I can say is that yes I admire someone that says they will do something and they actually finish it. I admire her a little bit extra because she had a child at a young age, worked and went to school. Why was she able to do this, well because she had her support system, she would confide with me that she felt depressed at times; felt alone that this was her life. she would tell me that she had no life, she was studying and going to school, she didn’t have her family around her, she had to sacrifice so much, when she would feel low she would dig deep down inside and push herself to keep on going, it is so easy to give up and not finish, but it is so much sweeter once you have accomplished what you set yourself out to do. Eventually you will be able to say, yes I am a Doctor, or yes I am a nurse, or whatever it is that you want in life. You just have to dig very deep inside your heart to find that again, erase those negative thoughts, move on from your past, don’t hold on to what people think you are, that is just them holding on to the past as well and not being able to see the you that you are now. If you want them to change their mind about you, then you got to show them that there is change.  So don’t let the fear of failure even creep into your mind, keep looking forward, to the prize at the end. Don’t look back anymore.

Love always

Catalina

Following your INTUITION......

Miami, Florida

Listening to: AMY WINEHOUSE

Have you ever met someone and just had a weird feeling about them but you just couldn’t pin point at the time what it was? Or have you ever done something but new deep down inside something is telling you it was so wrong? That is your intuition that gut instinct where you just feel something in the pit of your stomach that this is no good for you, or something bad might happen, or maybe even that this person is nice, kind, and caring, you can trust them.

I don’t know if it is with age that you end up discovering your intuition, or is it just being more aware of your body and what it is telling you at the time.

I have always been very different, an emotional person, very in tune with the way that I feel, especially very expressive. I believe in my last relationship is when I really truly discovered my intuition.

For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, read the definition that Google has provided me with.

in·tu·i·tionˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

noun

1.    the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

"we shall allow our intuition to guide us"

synonyms:

instinct, intuitiveness; More

o    a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

plural noun: intuitions

"your insights and intuitions as a native speaker are positively sought"

synonyms:

hunch, feeling (in one's bones), inkling, (sneaking) suspicion, idea,sense, notion; More

I have been in recent situations lately in my life, where I have not followed my intuition, because maybe something else is blinding you and you may ignore that feeling. About two months ago I had met a man that I felt at first was just someone I was getting to know, and basically see where that would go. We had finally met in person, and when we met, I felt nothing but positive feelings; nothing was telling me this person is bad, like all the other times that I have met people.

I believe I might have mentioned him in one of my recent blogs in the past, he was the one that was not interested in me in that way, we did become friends; our friendship later on grew into a bit more. The problem was I eventually started having more feelings towards him; I was honest with him and expressed the way that I had felt towards him. He did not reciprocate the same feeling. It hurt, of course, and like most people who sometimes find themselves to be lonely they tend to stick to something that is not what they truly want, but they settle for what they are getting at that moment. That is what I did, I settled, I thought I can control this, I can control my feelings for him, I’ll talk to other people, I distracted myself, it worked for the most part, but then when I felt rejected by him which I felt that it was often when I would get rejected, I would unravel, this is when the crazy comes out.

I questioned him often, because even though his mouth was saying one thing, his actions were saying something different at least that is how I interpreted it. Once I had mentioned to him, that he is the one that contacts me and it was almost every day, and that I wondered that if he was beginning to feel things for me. He just gave me his excuse of why he was texting me. Once I said that he had started texting less. I felt like the reason why he wasn’t interested in me didn’t make sense, yes I know you guys probably think I can’t take rejection well, but I don’t think that is what it was, for me I felt like it wasn’t real. He gave me many reasons why he wouldn’t date someone like me.  He has done it in the past, dated a heavy girl and he lost his attraction towards her. I could tell him my reason why he lost interest in her. I have my belief my instinct of the more emotional reason why it ended. Then I had brought up a more logical situation for him, what if you find that girl and she gets pregnant gains all this weight, than what? Will you dump her because she is fat?

To me I believe all of this issue is more, it is a deep rooted issue, let’s just say he has not really discovered yet. Maybe he never will, but I do believe in my hearts of hearts the whole issue is more about insecurities about him. Look I can relate in so many ways when it comes to insecurities, I have dealt with it my whole life, it is like that saying goes you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.  I personally believe if you have some attraction towards a person, and you have gotten to know more of them, and liked them for who they are inside then you would probably be more attracted to them later on as well. I am not an ugly woman, I am beautiful, smart, funny, extremely caring, and supportive, the problem for many men is my weight, granted yes men are very visual human beings, but I’m sorry if you can be intimate with a person that you say that you have no attraction towards them then how can you even perform? Why do you keep going back for 2 months of a “friendship” I truly think and feel in my gut that there was more to it, but he didn’t want that, not with me, because he probably felt that people would probably judge him for being with someone like me!

I believe men have an idea of what kind of woman they would want in their life, I know not all of them expect the girl to be 100% perfect, but that is bad to have that, that is having crazy ass expectations for something that might not even exist. I know this very well because I had to deal with this same situation with my ex boyfriend, who has agreed that I am extremely intuitive.

He as well very insecure man, same thing he had this idea of what kind of woman he wanted in his life, I of course didn’t fit in that picture, the problem of never being satisfied in something, says a lot about a person, says a lot about them as well. 

I finally had to end something with someone that I truly cared for; people always asked me, what is it that you liked about him, what is it that he brought to the table? Honestly! The communication that we had with one another was amazing, we never argued we would have more discussions, we could talk about anything, and we had a lot of things in common, we were always there for one another when one or the other was in distress, the fact that we could make each other laugh, that is what made me find that beauty in him, I knew he wasn’t perfect he was far from perfect, there were many things that I didn’t like about him, I disliked the fact that he would think too far in the future, especially with something that you can’t really plan. I get it if it is something like school, and future goals that you want to accomplish, but when it comes to the matters of the heart you can’t truly plan things like that, because really, you don’t know who you will eventually fall in love with, it could be a person you never expected to be with in your life. In a way it is almost creating a fantasy world in your mind. Yes you can have a list of characteristic of what you look for in a person, someone that is funny, smart, independent, and respectful; those are things that are more of a realistic nature to have in your mind.

Let’s just say I have learned a lot from this situation, my intuition even though I may feel this and maybe I will never know if I was right about it, I stick with it. Never settle for something that is not fulfilling all of you. That just speaks volumes about how you feel about yourself. 

Thank you for reading.

Catalina

Sisters....

Miami, Florida

Listening to: Pharrell

I normally write blogs about guys and dating, and the struggles that I go through. I want to change it up to something that is close to my heart.

I have realized with some time alone and not going out so much. I have realized that I miss spending time with my sisters.  One lives here in Miami and the other one lives in Michigan. I haven’t always been close to them; I do have one that I can relate to a little more than the other.

They are both older than me. One is 20 years older than me, and the other one is about 8 years older than me.

I feel like as you get older you appreciate so much more time with family, more than anything else. My oldest sister the one that lives here and that is 20 years older than me, I feel like we may see eye to eye with more things, i.e. beliefs, religion, politics and in life. The other one who is in Michigan we probably don’t agree with so much of those things, her beliefs are very different than mine. One thing I have realized with age is that it doesn’t matter what she believes in, we won’t agree with everything in life and especially not with everyone, as long as there is love, communication and support and as well acceptance that is all that matters

.

My Michigan sister probably doesn’t even know how much I admire her, I always talk about her to everyone I meet. She is very inspiring with all her accomplishments that she has done in her life, and now she expecting her second child and to be able to witness this special moment with her is so amazing.

 You don’t have to always agree with your family and sometimes you may not even like them, you may argue, and fight until you are blue in the face, but you have to look at their life and see what they have accomplished and be proud of the things that they have done.

My Michigan sister and I are complete opposites in so many ways, I am more emotional she is not, I am dramatic, she is not so much, I am more outspoken and communicate and express my feelings, she doesn’t, but she shows you that she loves you in so many other ways. My Michigan sister is smart, creative and beautiful, and makes the cutest babies too. Hahaha. She is an amazing writer, singer, artist, and extremely motivated and inspiring for others, she is dedicated to her faith in God. She is an incredible mother, wife, daughter and sister. I am so proud to say I have such an amazingly beautiful and kind sister, who yes can be a pain in the butt to me sometimes, but so can I to her. We love each other in so many ways.

My Miami sister, even though we are so far apart in age, she has a young soul, we click in such a different way. We can talk for hours about so many things.  She is the oldest sibling in the family, but to be honest just the way she carries herself, you would never think she was the oldest. She is extremely wise and smart as well, such an amazing mother, wife, daughter and sister. I also look up to her; she always tries to see the positive and the beauty in others. I believe that pretty much most of my family is like that, I feel like that is the way we were all raised to be kind and caring.

 Miami sister has been married I think around 34 years and let me tell you, I look up to that relationship, they have seen it all, being broke, having some money, moving, raising their children, loss, love, but they have worked through everything that has come their way. My sister is funny, creative, beautiful, and smart, loves babies, and has a heart of gold. I admire her strength and courage with everything that she has done in her life, she as well has made some cute kids, which now they are adults, who are so kind and smart she raised them right.  

The older I am the more I see who my family is and how much I love them. I can hold on to all the old mean things they said and did to me, I keep carrying that with me, for what though? What is the point?

This is my only family that God has blessed me with and I am so truly honored and feel like the luckiest girl to have been given this amazingly beautiful family.

I love my sisters so much, and I am going to start making more of an effort to spend time with them. That is not just with the sisters that are with my whole family.  

Spend time with your loved one’s even if you may not relate to them in some ways or in many, they are your only family, and take something that you admire of them and be proud of the family you came from, no matter what.

Thanks for reading

Love

Catalina 

Charlie Cerrano

Miami, Florida

Listening: Mariah Carey 

People come into your life for a reason, I know I have said that many times before in past blogs, but it is so true. I recently read a quote that stuck with me and made me really think.

“You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are”.

Someone recently came into my life; about a month ago I met a man. His name is Charlie, (not his real name). The similarities of our lives were rather weird. It was like he was the male version of me, just a bit older, and with these crystal blue eyes. Charlie was very funny, smart, caring, and a great listener.

There was a difference in Charlie; he has not been like all the other men that I have met in my life.

Charlie became someone that I cared for, confided with and he cared for me.

 I had decided this evening that I will not be speaking to Charlie for a while. He had unintentionally brought out a side of me that I personally did not like, he was never cruel to me if that is what you are thinking; on the contrary he was always there when I needed to talk. Problem was I had started to have feelings for him, that is where the complications started happening, Charlie didn’t see me that way, he didn’t like me in the romantic way, and that hurt me. I as a stubborn woman that I am, does not take no for an answer.

I had come to the realization that I was doing this again, the same thing that I did with the footballer that I had met last year. Difference was the footballer was cruel but he was intentionally cruel, Charlie on the other hand would listen and talk to me and try to make me feel better and would not get off the phone until I felt better.

Charlie was extremely open and honest with me he would share such personal stories with me, things that he hasn’t told anyone. I as well would share with him.

My relationship with Charlie got complicated and we were both responsible for causing that.

I would vent to lots of friends about this situation, that I had found myself in again. What I am learning so far, is to not speak of my issues with everyone, because all it does it fucks you up mentally and emotionally. I say this because of the fact that everyone has their own opinion, and really at the end of it they don’t know Charlie the way that I do. I would find myself to be defending this person to my friends, only because most of their views are negative of all men.  I have realized that from now on I will not be going to certain people with my problems. Especially when most of the times I just need to vent, friends are not suppose to hurt you, and tell you to prove things to them. Friends are not supposed to take light of something that I have obviously been struggling with for a while now, and they all know what my issues are. People think that tough love works on me, it doesn’t it only pushes me further away. I love when they tell me that they are just being honest, and they say the truth hurts but that is what friends are for to tell you the truth. One thing that I have to say about that, I know what my flaws are, I don’t need to have someone lecture or  tell me that I have these problems when I already know what my problems are.

I am well aware what I do with my life, the pain that I can cause myself  by putting myself in certain situations, but at the end of the day my friends should be there to support me in whatever decision I make in life. I am the one that will learn the ultimate lesson.  I have learned something, I learned that Charlie will be a forever friend, I only have one other forever friend, so Charlie if you are reading this, you better feel fucking special. (I know you are smiling right about now). 

I want to change the thoughts that I have of myself in my head, I have been dealing with these thought for a very long time.  The only way to fix them is to continue working on me. I can honestly say that I have changed so much , I have lost a tremendous amount of weight all by myself, I have moved out of my parents house and now have my own place with my son, I have a great job, I have my health and a happy little boy. I have grown leaps and bounds, and you know what I don’t need anyone to be proud of me, because guess what, I am proud of myself that I did this and I am continuing to do this. It does not take a night to overcome all your issues, as long as you continue working on them, realize them as well and just keep on moving.

So to my dear Charlie, my birdie, my frog bird, my dear sweet friend, we have a bond and a connection that no one can break, and even though we have only known each other just a short amount of time I feel like I’ve known you for much longer. I know this might sound repetitive to you, because I already told you this through text. Know that I am here no matter what. Even though we are taking this moment to ourselves, we will be back to being friends very soon. I don’t give up that easy, and I truly want to be the one to witness you become a Dr. I want to be there, so I can call you Dr. CerranoJ. Don’t let the negative bring you down. I know it is hard sometimes, but you have done so much with your life and you should truly be so proud of yourself for all your accomplishments.  

Thanks again.

Love Catalina (cookie) 

My Relationship with FOOD!!!!!

Miami, Florida

Listening to: Radiohead

I have had a very tumultuous relationship when it came to food.

Food has always been there, it has never neglected me, has never answered back or told me I’m wrong, it has never left me alone.

 My relationship with food started off when I was quite young, I as a child was made fun of in elementary school and was constantly told that I was fat. The teasing continued throughout my life, I always grew up thinking if you are called FAT, then you are ugly you are not worth anything, so you can only imagine how my self esteem became, I would run to food when things went bad, when I was happy food was there. I didn’t know how to deal with things in life like a “normal human being” I found myself having an addiction. I remember when I was older and I was already making money and had my own car, I was able to do what I wanted, go eat where ever I wanted, there were times I would go to Mc Donald’s to get a #1 let’s say, then maybe go to burger king and get something from there, and then run to Walgreens or somewhere to go buy a pint of ice cream.

What I was doing was avoiding things, I was trying to numb the pain that was going on in my life, whether it be about a guy, or family issues, I would cope by bingeing. Instead of feeling angry towards someone and crying because they made fun of me, I would drown myself in food, I would go into a food coma, where you can’t breathe and you wear the loosest pants you can find, and you feel like you are about to explode because you ate so much. That is what I would do. Food has come and gone when it comes to that tumultuous relationship, I have chosen to take control over this relationship that I have with it, I eat to live, and I do not live to eat anymore.

How did I get to this point, well just like any other addiction you may fall off the wagon. In 2009 I had made a choice in my life, I didn’t want to be that 315 pound woman who everyone looked at and stared and couldn’t get on rollercoaster rides, or sit in a regular size booth. I wanted to feel normal, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be able to run around and dance, without things hurting me like my knees. The main thing that I had truly wanted was to feel, I wanted to feel things see things in a different way. As I had started the process I had used the anger that I had chosen not to feel, and used it for my workouts. I chose to stop eating unhealthy, I chose to be active, and I wanted to be happy!!!

So I had dropped about I believe almost 80 to 90 pounds, and I see myself now and see that I have fluctuated in weight, but I had gained back some weight. I had fallen off the wagon. It’s ok too, it will happen, as long as you are well aware that it happened, and do not sulk that you fucked up and you are worthless. Trust me the self pity shit will quickly kick in, especially when maybe you are confronted with a recent bad picture of yourself, or maybe someone makes a comment about your weight.

I have realized recently after having a string of very bad dates, and a few interesting encounters with people, where there words hurt me to such an extreme, that I started that self pity bullshit all over again, then the anger came in. Let me give you an example of what recently happened to me.

So for those of you who all read my blog, know that I do the online dating thing, sometimes I’m on it, and then there are times I get so tired and frustrated I take myself off of it. I started chatting with a guy; we will call him the Turkish guy, because he was from turkey. He had seen my pictures we chatted and then moved on to phone conversations, we set to meet on a Saturday in coconut grove. That day when we met, we had gone to go eat tacos, as we sit there, I don’t know why I normally go into these dates like I’m meeting an old friend, but I had a question that I had wanted to ask him. I had asked him if I looked like my pictures. Yes I know a lot of people say, Oh no you shouldn’t say those things, he is going to think you are insecure, no you shouldn’t care. Well I tend to do things differently than most people when dating; I do not follow these so called “dating rules that everyone seems to follow” I do what I feel, and I say what I feel, I’m honest and I am ME!!!.

I never really expected the answer that I got, he had responded by saying that I am much larger than my pictures. Then he went on to say, that I have such a beautiful face, that if I lost weight than I would be way out of his league, that I would be able to get a boyfriend and I would be super hot. I was honestly flabbergasted by his response. You always say to yourself that you will tell people off when they say something mean to you, but truthfully when you are in that situation and you hear these things, you are actually so stunned that you don’t know what to say. I’ve been in many of those situations in my life, sometimes I say things and sometimes I do not. Let’s just say I left there having his words fester my mind like some really shitty disease that no medication could get rid of.

I met another guy as well, he never really said anything cruel like that, but did say that if I had lost weight, things would be easier for me. Really!!!!! How so? So when you are skinnier everything is much better. Let’s get this straight I don’t want to lose weight to be skinny, I want to lose weight to be healthy, I want to lose weight the right way, and I want to fix the dysfunctional state of mind that I think of myself.

Then I met the last guy, about a month ago I had met this sweet, kind guy, so different from what I met before, but like for real. Very in tune with his emotions, kind and caring and is there for you when you need him. We talked for about a week before we met, the crazy part was that we had so much but I mean so much in common. We finally meet up for a cup of coffee, he talked and talked about his job, I sat there listening. As I was listening to his hilarious stories, I started wondering does he like me? Does he think I’m cute? I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he will kiss me? I would totally kiss him.

Finally at the end of the date he walks me to my car, gives me a hug and says it was nice meeting me and that we will do this again.  I get home still wondering what he thought of me, but didn’t know how to figure that part out, he text me as he got home and told me once again he had a great time, and that I am a cool person and really funny, I couldn’t hold it in, I had to find out. I sent him a text back saying, I had a great time that he was a nice guy and thanks again…… then I sent him the next text,

Hey listen I know this is forward of me, but I can’t get a vibe off of you, and I was wondering if you had found me attractive, he respond by saying wow straight to the point, then continues by saying I don’t want you to think I’m a dick or anything, because I do like you as a person but no I don t find you physically attractive. I got upset but not towards him, I was just upset, I thought again why me, the self pity started rolling in like a fucking tidal wave in my head and it made me so sad, I had cried myself to sleep that night, before I had gone to bed he had profusely apologized for hurting my feelings and I had told him that there was no need to apologize, I had asked for the truth and I got it. Of course it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. You can’t get everything you want. We had continued talking, from time to time, finally I had invited him over to my place to chat, he was having a bad day at work and I said that he was more than welcome to come and vent and just hang out. We had such a long conversation that lasted several hours we talked about everything. Finally the thought came crashing in my head again, why doesn’t he like me?

So I asked him, what is it exactly that you don’t like about me?  I of course already had an idea of what it was, he told me he didn’t know what specifically it was per say. So I went into more detail of a question. I said do you think that if I had lost weight you would find me attractive, he said I don’t know maybe if it were like 60 to 80 pounds. That was a stab in the heart, the Turkish guys comments came rushing in again, saying to me “if you lose weight then you can get a boyfriend”.  My self esteem had a new low, it was not easy to deal, but in some way, I needed all of these situations to happen, because I look at every single time this stuff happened I never once ran to food. I could of but I didn’t, I decided to feel the pain instead, let it sit there for the while that it was there, let myself cry and deal with the rejection in a “normal and healthy way”.  

I still have so much more to learn about myself, I have so much more to grow, and I realize that everything happens for a reason.

Go with this piece of advice if you don’t take anything out of this. Feel things that are happening, don’t be afraid to show emotion, don’t be afraid to cry. You need to release those tears, it is not good to keep It all built up inside, because if you do all you will have is this tremendous amount of self pity and a belly full of food that you will regret the next day.

Thank you for reading

Love

Catalina 

Silver Lining

Listening to: Sia 

Song: Chandelier

FYI: I am obsessed with this song, love the video too. 

I have not been inspired in a while, it’s crazy when everything is going good or what we call “normal” I’m not inspired to write, but when I start getting this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, some would call it anxiety, I would like to call it that time of the month when a woman becomes, over analytical and emotional and just thinks way to much about everything.

 I have been in many situations where I as a woman going through this hormonal roller coaster have been called, crazy, insecure, and emotional. I feel a difference when this time comes, I feel like something is wrong with me.

Is there something wrong with me?

I notice when I am alone I go through the motions when it is the time of the month, just like any other day.  I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings, or having to apologize for being annoying or just angry. When there is someone new in my life especially the male species, I get extra emotional, insecure, and “crazy”.

I try to hide it as best that I can, because I don’t like to have to explain why I am acting all weird. I try to hibernate. Live my life as normal as possible.

I met this guy recently, this is just a friendship, and I liked him when we first met, but he felt differently towards me. He was so nice and such a change from everyone that I have met, that we stayed friends. He is honest and open about his feelings, knows how to communicate. I liked that, finally someone that I can have deep conversations with, and be myself and goofy and just not care.

I met him when my hormones were normal. We have hung out and seen each other several times, had long conversations, so he knows the real me!!! The silly, quirky, and adorable me.

Recently since I’m going through those womanly, monthly situations i.e. (period). I have been so stupid and feel so nuts around him. I have been very open to him about my emotions, which of course every woman says that is a big NO, NO. Like I've said before he is not someone I've met before. I think the difference is that he is getting his doctorate in psychology. That does make a huge difference.  He understands the mind, and the reactions to things that happen to you in your life, and the control of hormones and other things.

He is so smart and funny; he is a kind person. When you are feeling down and out he will always try to relate to you in some way. Yes of course that is his profession to help make you feel better but he doesn't have to tell you his secrets or insecurities, but he does. This is what I have been looking for when it comes to a male friend, I only truly found that with one other person but he went away to live in panama, and I haven’t really ever spoken to him again. He was the only other guy that I was able to just talk to for hours and laugh and be myself 100%.

I have always been an outspoken kind of gal, open and honest and never been afraid of expressing myself, now as I get older, I actually don’t even care about what people think about me. I know what I want in a person when it comes to involving them into my precious life. This life should only be surrounded by people who love and care for you. Who will try to push you to be a better person and want you to be happy in life!

 I know God brings people in our lives for a reason, sometimes we don’t know why or what will come out if it, but there is always the silver lining at the end of it. I most definitely believe in that. There is always good that comes out of things and yes even especially the negative things, you just have to be open and aware of what they are.

So to my new friend, whom I've known for a brief moment, but I feel I've known you for a very long time. I don’t know how much time we have in each other’s life but I do want to say thank you for being so real, honest, and different. You have made me see that other than the men in my family, there are real men out there. I always knew there were, but it was starting to become a myth in my mind like the loch ness monster or big foot.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. “

Thanks for reading. 

Catalina 

Single mother and dating .........(Madre soltera and dating)

Miami, Florida 

Listening to: Will Smith 

Dating…. Dating is hard enough in real life, especially if you live in Miami, add a kid into the mix and it becomes just a little bit more difficult.

Well I haven’t had so many issues so far when it comes to dating and letting the guy know that I have a kid. I have had the famous question that always gets asked, “Do you have baby daddy drama”? Of course I tell them the truth, which truthfully I don’t.

The relationship that I have with my son’s father is one that we both work at every day. We have to work together, communicate; we both do this for our son.

I have come into contact with men, when they find out that you have a child, they usually run for the hills. Mainly because they think that if you have a child already then they believe that you are immediately ready to get married and settle down. Or the best one they automatically assume that you are looking for a father for your child. I have gotten that one a lot. Which Immediately I respond with, “my son has a father he doesn't need another one, thanks”. I have had men that want to meet your kid quickly, which to be honest, for me I tend to find that strange, call it being over protective but I don’t like to involve my child with anyone that I am dating until I know that I am 100% serious with them.

I think my son has met one boyfriend I ever dated after breaking up with his dad. I was with the guy for a year and he literally met him 3 times. I personally believe that I need to get to know the person well enough before my son comes in contact with any man that I have feelings for.

I remember one time I was talking to a guy, and I had revealed to him that I had a son. He was actually very nice about it and told me that honestly he doesn't want to date anyone with kids because of the fact that he did it once, and it was the worse feeling in the world when he had to break up with the girl. First he loved the little girl like it was his daughter, and the mother would throw that in his face when they had broken up, she would make him feel guilty for breaking her heart. He said Catalina when you break up with a woman without a kid it is hard, but when you break up with a woman that has a kid, not only you are hurting the woman, but you are hurting the child as well, and it hurts you ten times more than a regular break up. When he told me that, it made me see the other side. Sometimes we get offended when a guy, just blatantly says to you, nope sorry I don’t date chicks with kids. You feel rather offended, and that has happened to me as well. But you do have to realize that there is a reason behind it, just some guys say it in such a douche way that it makes you mad, and then there are the ones that will explain to you why.

I had one guy tell me, that he likes me and all but he really didn't want to date me because I had a kid. I got mad, and I threw in his face and said you are fucking 40 years old. Unless you start dating a 12 year old it will be very difficult to find a woman that doesn't have a kid. I laugh now, for what I said to him. Because that is my anger that came out, I felt rejected, I was mad because I was thinking my kid is fucking amazing and you don’t want to date me because you don’t want to date anyone with a kid. Whatever dude!!!

We kept talking and he had explained to me, about the main reason why he didn't want to date anyone with a kid. His reason was because he wanted to share that, that moment of having a child, the bond that you have when creating this precious soul. He wanted the woman to not have experienced that.

I felt like such an asshole afterwards, who am I to judge what he wants. We all want something when we look for a partner, and we shouldn't settle for anything less, and you know what I respect him for not backing down on what he believed in. You have to look at it, and say it wasn't meant to be.

So to end this, if you are a single mother, the few tips that I have to share with you, would be:

*Don’t introduce your kid to the guy that you are talking to or even dating, not until you know you are 100% serious.

*If a guy tells you that he doesn't date woman with kids, don’t get offended, no matter how he says it, just move on to the next one, understand they have their reasoning.

*I like to let the guy know that I have a child and what I am looking for.  

*Do not disclose a lot of information about your kid, like what school he goes too, or what he does after school, like extracurricular activities. (you never know who he is)

*If the relationship doesn't work out, don't throw it in the guys face on how much they are hurting the child. That is just your anger coming out.

Thanks for reading

 Catalina 

A letter to my son….

 Miami, Florida

March 19, 2014

Listening to: Nelly Furtado, Childhood Dreams

I am writing this letter to you today, because I have seen and experienced things in life and especially recently. Sometimes life deals us with some big lessons with decision's that we are unsure to make, or afraid to make. The decision of having you was the number 1 best decision of my life. Jonathan you bring so much joy and love into my life and all I want is the best for you like any parent would want for their child. Please read what I wrote to you, and carry these few things in your mind an in your heart.

Jonathan the amount of love that I have for you is indescribable, I honestly can’t even imagine where or how my life would be if I didn't have you. The past 9 years with you, have been the most amazing 9 years of my life.

I want to share some knowledge, words of wisdom with you, things that I will forever carry with me, and hopefully you will in your life.

Love yourself:  That is so important for you to take with you, in life there will be people who bring you down, even family, only because most of the time, they either are insecure about themselves or they just don’t get you. If they don’t get you then they are not meant to be in your life, don’t try to make them understand who Jonathan is.  Don’t believe what other people say to you, or think of you. What matters most is that you believe in yourself and realize what a great soul you are.

Be Kind: I want you to grow up to be a kind and a respectful man, now I don’t want you to be a pushover, because people will just take advantage of your good heart.

Do what you love: When it comes to life, do something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and go to work. Don’t let others discourage you, and tell you all these excuses I will list below.

You won’t make enough money.

No one is doing that anymore.

You will take too long to get a degree.

You’re not good at math maybe you can do this instead.

Did I tell you it won’t make enough money!

There are probably so many other reasons why people will try to convince you to do otherwise. Don’t listen, listen to your heart think it through and outweigh the pros and cons of everything before you make a Decision, but again at the end of the day it is your life and you have to do what makes you happy.

Keep imagining and day dreaming:  The most creative and successful people usually started out there ideas by day dreaming and imagining their inventions, not only that it keeps in touch with a different world where sometimes we like to be.

Have high expectations for only you: do not expect things from others because when you have high expectations of people they will end up disappointing you.

Learn from your mistakes: as humans we will all make mistakes in life, take everything that happens to you not as something negative but embrace it as a lesson. Learn from it and grow from that, sometimes you won’t learn the first, second or even third time, but once you have realized that whatever it is you are doing that is not good for you, stop doing it and try a different approach.

Be respectful to women and all people: we can be a difficult creature to understand sometimes, but really we are not that complicated, just always know that a woman wants to be shown love, affection, and they want to be heard even if you don’t agree with what they are saying, be a gentleman, open doors for all women, let them go in first, hold the elevator and let everyone get out first, if you see someone that needs help, then help them.

Do not judge people: Try your hardest to not judge people, even if you do not agree with what they have done, will do or are thinking of doing. You can’t judge because you don’t live there life and you can’t understand what they are going through. Never say that you will never do that, because you might one day end up eating those words.

Speak your mind: don’t be afraid to voice your opinion on something, stand up for yourself. If you feel like someone is taking advantage of you or if they are judging you then speak up. No one will ever know how you feel or where you stand if you don’t use your voice.

I will always be here for you: Jonathan always know that I will always be here for you no matter what, know that you shouldn't be afraid to come and talk to me about anything. Know that I am so proud of you and the man that you will become one day, you have been such an amazing gift in my life and you have changed my life in so many ways. I am so happy and proud to be your mother and I want you to always know that.

Love always with all my heart

Mom  

Friendship...

Miami, Fl 

March 16, 2014

So recently I have been through some changes in my life.

I have realized one big thing when you are going through some heavy shit in your life; you see who your true friends are. I have known my co workers for literally 6 months. Let’s just say when I was in a bind they were there to catch me when I fell, literally. I will be forever indebted to both of them, especially my co worker, she did something that I don’t know how I could ever repay her.

This blog is dedicated to you Doll face, which is what we call her. She has always supported me since the moment I have met her, we are like kindred spirits. She has been the shoulder to cry on, the warm embrace, and she always tried to give me the best advice even though I may not have always listened too. I will not disclose the personal issue that I recently have gone through in my life because it is rather painful to speak of.

This blog is dedicated not only to doll face, but dedicated to the friendships that I have built among the many years that I have been on this earth, I dedicate this to friendships.

We expect our friends to do what we would do, we choose our friends because we see something that we may relate to or we want to be like.

For instance my friend that I have known for almost 23 years, we will call her Dr. B.

Dr. B. has never judged me, has always stuck by my side even though her life has been a roller coaster of its own. Not in a bad way, roller coaster of studying, roller coaster of raising a family and being strong through it all. She has always been my role model of how to be successful in life. We have grown and seen each other mature and raise our children, dealing with the tough shit that life throws at us, but one thing she has always taught me is to stay positive, there is the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then we have the banker, the diva banker we will call her. She is another long friendship that I have had about 14 years, we have had our moments in our friendship that we have not seen eye to eye. We have lost touch and then got back together; we have a connection of sorts. Sometimes you have to remind her to be there for you, with her you have to speak up, because sometimes she is oblivious to what your needs are, I sometimes think she is like a man trapped in a woman’s body. But once you let her know she is there, sometimes it gets me upset that I have to remind her to be there, but that’s because she spreads herself pretty thin when it comes to her social circle. When we are together we can do anything and still have a good time, and talk for hours about life and men and all the crap that we are going through.

Then we have Gordy, She is a tough cookie in some way, but then she is a softy at heart. We can hang out and do nothing and talk about anything and the time flies, she is like an older sister for me, not that much older.  Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t understand me, but really deep down she does. She always is trying to protect and wants nothing but the best for me. I hate it when she is mad at me, I don’t like to feel that I have disappointed her in any way. We have only known each other for such a short amount of time, but we have connected very quickly. She had me at the statement when she said “we are all crazy” yes we all are.

Then there is my little sushi, sushi is much younger than me, but let me tell you this young little baby sushi has taught me so much, she is wise for her years. We are very much connected, we have a bond that I don’t think anyone can take away and I adore her dearly, I hope for sushi is to grow and be strong, well I mean to be much stronger than what she is, she is such an amazing woman, so smart and caring, beautiful inside and out, and as well crazy. I love and adore this woman and so happy to have her in my life.

You must be thinking these are crazy ass nick names that I have for my friends. They are and I really do call them these names.

Last but not least we have doll face, doll face is like another sister to me, protects me, and only wants me to be happy in my life and is my number one supporter, I know I must drive her bananas with my stories of the same thing about the same guy, but she sits there and listens to me no matter how repetitive I can be with my stories, she is very patient with me. I loved a statement she had made to me once. “Cata, I wish I could put you in a bubble so nothing can hurt you”.

I have more friends that are there in my life and sometimes we don’t see each other as often as we would like, but all I can say is that all my friends that are there for me, have a very special place in my heart.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

Thanks again to the ones that were there for me in this moment in my life, when I needed strength and support. I will always be grateful for your kindness and advice, and all your positive thoughts.

I love you.

Thanks for reading

Catalina

JB Hair and Beauty ......

There is this salon that I like to go to; it is in the London square shopping center, right next to party city. It is a salon and beauty supply store called JB Hair and Beauty.

I've been going there for years now. I love going there because everything that I need is right there.

Now every time I walk in there it doesn't feel like "oh great I'm going to do my hair".

It's more excitement, I feel like I'm home there, they are extremely welcoming, I always leave there 100% satisfied.

I've known my stylist for quite some time. To me finding the right stylist is like finding the perfect pair of shoes.

I found Cynthia I believe in late 2008, I was down in the dumps about my looks and hair and wanted a change, she was starting off, I believe at the salon that I randomly walked into one day. I was a walk in and they sent me to her.

Let's just say I fell in love with her and the way she left my hair. I was hooked, ever since then I never went to anyone else.

She is so good that even my mother started going to her. She is one woman that is not easy to please. Even I tried doing my mother’s hair when I went to beauty school; she wasn't satisfied either with me. But with Cynthia she is happy as a clam.

I followed Cynthia around where ever she would go. When she finally landed at JB Hair and Beauty, I was so happy for her.

I have sent lots of people over to her, lots of friends that again were a lot like my mother very picky, they come out extremely happy.

What I love about going there other than feeling welcomed and at home, I love the fact that the makeup line that I use which is NYX, they have it there and always have everything in stock, if they don't have what you are looking for they will order it for you. They truly have pretty much any product you are looking for, from shampoos to conditioners, to blow dryers and flat irons, hair color to hair straighteners, they have it all. They even have hair extensions there as well.

I haven't gotten all the services there, but I have gotten my hair colored, cut, styled, updos, you can get your nails done there and waxing. They also do extensions.

What I like about the salon and of course my stylist, they will always be up for a challenge. My hair is something that I care for so much and it is something that I take care of. So I know when I go to Cynthia she not only will give me the best look ever but she will teach me on what I should and shouldn't do to my hair. Not only she is my stylist, friend, therapist, and my Bonnie to my Clyde, she knows what she is doing and always makes me feel like a million bucks every time I walk out of there.

If you want to find what I think is great work and I think at good prices, than you should go to JB Hair and Beauty.

I will leave all the info down below so you can check out their website or even just stop by and take a look around.

JB Hair and Beauty

   (305) 278-9080

https://www.jbhairandbeauty.com

Thanks again for reading

 Catalina

BLACKBIRD ORDINARY....

Do you know what I like to do when I am extremely frustrated and feel like nothing is going right. I love to dance!!!!

What a relief, something about dancing for me, is so freeing, especially when the DJ is playing good music. Or better yet, GREAT music.

The one place that I can’t get sick of going to is this tiny little hole in the wall bar/club that is in Brickell. It is called BALCKBIRD ORDINARY. I was a bit late in discovering this place. I’ve heard about it a lot, it is where a different crowd goes. You have a mixture of everyone there; I have met so many kinds of people from different places all around the world.

Now I have never been the type to go bar to bar, or club hopping. I am a creature of habit and when I like something I stick with it until I’m so sick of it.

There is something about the atmosphere the vibe that you get; kind of like people don’t care so much, I like that! There is no dress code; all you have to do is wear clothes. It is very different from south beach. Which, I never really was a fan of south beach. As a kid yes (kid I mean at 16 years old when you were never ID as a girl) I would go to south beach a lot.

Something about Blackbird, walking into the dark room, where the first thing you see is the bar, and to your right of the entrance is some tables, where people can sit and socialize with their friends, or play a board game and drink the night away. To your left of the entrance the first thing you see is the DJ booth and you see a cluster of blackbirds on the wall. If you walk past the bar and head like you are going outside, (to me I like to call it the back yard). There is a pool table to your left. Now once you head outside you are greeted by another bar, and picnic style tables, and a wall of herbs. There is a stage all the way to the back of the backyard.

That is where I have seen so far two bands perform, exceptional performers I might add.

That’s what I like about this bar, they have had many performers, and they support the local bands and talent from Miami and other places.

I have seen the likes of Ketchy Shuby my favorite Miami band, and then as well I have seen "THE" Lee Fields, who both are so amazingly talented and great performers.

This place is something where I can let go, and forget all the stresses of life that go on.

I especially enjoy going on a Saturday night, because usually you will find one of the DJ’s that I like a lot playing there.

 DJ Sharpsound is bad ass!!!

The music that he fuses together is crazy, you would never think of mixing the songs together.  One second he can be playing Guns and Roses welcome to the jungle, then he mixes in come on Eileen by the Dexys Midnight Runners, he is that good.

 I've been to bars or clubs where I hated being there because the music just sucked ass. 

When I go to BLACKBIRD I have to mentally prepare myself that I will be coming out of there drenched of sweat, and know that the next day I will be sore and in a lot of pain on parts of my body that I never thought I could be sore. That is only due to the fact that once I start dancing I don’t stop.

I recommend anyone that likes different styles of music to dance to, to go there, the drinks are really good and i think affordable then most places. 

 Go by just to check it out, they always have something going on. They play movies on certain nights, games, all different sorts of activities that really you can’t get bored being there. You don’t have to pay to get in. What else can you ask for, check out their website and see what kind of activities or performers will be there. I promise you won’t regret it.

I will leave the link and address below so you can check out their website.

Thanks for reading, 

Catalina 

BLACKBIRD ORDINARY
729 SW 1st Ave, Miami, FL 33130
(305) 671-3307

www.blackbirdordinary.com/