Miami, Florida
Listening to: Radiohead
I have had a very tumultuous relationship when it came to
food.
Food has always been there, it has never neglected me, has
never answered back or told me I’m wrong, it has never left me alone.
My relationship with
food started off when I was quite young, I as a child was made fun of in
elementary school and was constantly told that I was fat. The teasing continued
throughout my life, I always grew up thinking if you are called FAT, then you
are ugly you are not worth anything, so you can only imagine how my self esteem
became, I would run to food when things went bad, when I was happy food was
there. I didn’t know how to deal with things in life like a “normal human being”
I found myself having an addiction. I remember when I was older and I was
already making money and had my own car, I was able to do what I wanted, go eat
where ever I wanted, there were times I would go to Mc Donald’s to get a #1 let’s
say, then maybe go to burger king and get something from there, and then run to
Walgreens or somewhere to go buy a pint of ice cream.
What I was doing was avoiding things, I was trying to numb
the pain that was going on in my life, whether it be about a guy, or family
issues, I would cope by bingeing. Instead of feeling angry towards someone and
crying because they made fun of me, I would drown myself in food, I would go
into a food coma, where you can’t breathe and you wear the loosest pants you
can find, and you feel like you are about to explode because you ate so much. That
is what I would do. Food has come and gone when it comes to that tumultuous relationship,
I have chosen to take control over this relationship that I have with it, I eat
to live, and I do not live to eat anymore.
How did I get to this point, well just like any other
addiction you may fall off the wagon. In 2009 I had made a choice in my life, I
didn’t want to be that 315 pound woman who everyone looked at and stared and couldn’t
get on rollercoaster rides, or sit in a regular size booth. I wanted to feel
normal, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be able to run around and dance,
without things hurting me like my knees. The main thing that I had truly wanted
was to feel, I wanted to feel things see things in a different way. As I had
started the process I had used the anger that I had chosen not to feel, and
used it for my workouts. I chose to stop eating unhealthy, I chose to be
active, and I wanted to be happy!!!
So I had dropped about I believe almost 80 to 90 pounds, and
I see myself now and see that I have fluctuated in weight, but I had gained
back some weight. I had fallen off the wagon. It’s ok too, it will happen, as
long as you are well aware that it happened, and do not sulk that you fucked up
and you are worthless. Trust me the self pity shit will quickly kick in,
especially when maybe you are confronted with a recent bad picture of yourself,
or maybe someone makes a comment about your weight.
I have realized recently after having a string of very bad
dates, and a few interesting encounters with people, where there words hurt me
to such an extreme, that I started that self pity bullshit all over again, then
the anger came in. Let me give you an example of what recently happened to me.
So for those of you who all read my blog, know that I do the
online dating thing, sometimes I’m on it, and then there are times I get so
tired and frustrated I take myself off of it. I started chatting with a guy; we
will call him the Turkish guy, because he was from turkey. He had seen my
pictures we chatted and then moved on to phone conversations, we set to meet on
a Saturday in coconut grove. That day when we met, we had gone to go eat tacos,
as we sit there, I don’t know why I normally go into these dates like I’m
meeting an old friend, but I had a question that I had wanted to ask him. I had
asked him if I looked like my pictures. Yes I know a lot of people say, Oh no
you shouldn’t say those things, he is going to think you are insecure, no you shouldn’t
care. Well I tend to do things differently than most people when dating; I do not
follow these so called “dating rules that everyone seems to follow” I do what I
feel, and I say what I feel, I’m honest and I am ME!!!.
I never really expected the answer that I got, he had
responded by saying that I am much larger than my pictures. Then he went on to
say, that I have such a beautiful face, that if I lost weight than I would be
way out of his league, that I would be able to get a boyfriend and I would be super
hot. I was honestly flabbergasted by his response. You always say to yourself
that you will tell people off when they say something mean to you, but
truthfully when you are in that situation and you hear these things, you are
actually so stunned that you don’t know what to say. I’ve been in many of those
situations in my life, sometimes I say things and sometimes I do not. Let’s just
say I left there having his words fester my mind like some really shitty
disease that no medication could get rid of.
I met another guy as well, he never really said anything
cruel like that, but did say that if I had lost weight, things would be easier for
me. Really!!!!! How so? So when you are skinnier everything is much better. Let’s
get this straight I don’t want to lose weight to be skinny, I want to lose
weight to be healthy, I want to lose weight the right way, and I want to fix
the dysfunctional state of mind that I think of myself.
Then I met the last guy, about a month ago I had met this
sweet, kind guy, so different from what I met before, but like for real. Very in
tune with his emotions, kind and caring and is there for you when you need him.
We talked for about a week before we met, the crazy part was that we had so
much but I mean so much in common. We finally meet up for a cup of coffee, he
talked and talked about his job, I sat there listening. As I was listening to
his hilarious stories, I started wondering does he like me? Does he think I’m
cute? I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he will kiss me? I would totally
kiss him.
Finally at the end of the date he walks me to my car, gives
me a hug and says it was nice meeting me and that we will do this again. I get home still wondering what he thought of
me, but didn’t know how to figure that part out, he text me as he got home and
told me once again he had a great time, and that I am a cool person and really
funny, I couldn’t hold it in, I had to find out. I sent him a text back saying,
I had a great time that he was a nice guy and thanks again…… then I sent him
the next text,
Hey listen I know this is forward of me, but I can’t get a
vibe off of you, and I was wondering if you had found me attractive, he respond
by saying wow straight to the point, then continues by saying I don’t want you
to think I’m a dick or anything, because I do like you as a person but no I don
t find you physically attractive. I got upset but not towards him, I was just
upset, I thought again why me, the self pity started rolling in like a fucking
tidal wave in my head and it made me so sad, I had cried myself to sleep that
night, before I had gone to bed he had profusely apologized for hurting my
feelings and I had told him that there was no need to apologize, I had asked
for the truth and I got it. Of course it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. You
can’t get everything you want. We had continued talking, from time to time,
finally I had invited him over to my place to chat, he was having a bad day at
work and I said that he was more than welcome to come and vent and just hang
out. We had such a long conversation that lasted several hours we talked about
everything. Finally the thought came crashing in my head again, why doesn’t he
like me?
So I asked him, what is it exactly that you don’t like about
me? I of course already had an idea of
what it was, he told me he didn’t know what specifically it was per say. So I went
into more detail of a question. I said do you think that if I had lost weight
you would find me attractive, he said I don’t know maybe if it were like 60 to
80 pounds. That was a stab in the heart, the Turkish guys comments came rushing
in again, saying to me “if you lose weight then you can get a boyfriend”. My self esteem had a new low, it was not easy
to deal, but in some way, I needed all of these situations to happen, because I
look at every single time this stuff happened I never once ran to food. I could
of but I didn’t, I decided to feel the pain instead, let it sit there for the
while that it was there, let myself cry and deal with the rejection in a “normal
and healthy way”.
I still have so much more to learn about myself, I have so
much more to grow, and I realize that everything happens for a reason.
Go with this piece of advice if you don’t take anything out
of this. Feel things that are happening, don’t be afraid to show emotion, don’t
be afraid to cry. You need to release those tears, it is not good to keep It
all built up inside, because if you do all you will have is this tremendous
amount of self pity and a belly full of food that you will regret the next day.
Thank you for reading
Love
Catalina
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