You've got the love....

 

May 31, 2012

Miami, Florida

<3= 1 month and 4 days

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is headed at the moment.

 So far everything is calm and great and I am enjoying the slow pace that it is going. I thought I would want it to go faster but it only means that my son will be getting older and having to deal with the new things a boy brings in your life.

 I have searched for so long for this love that I have not found yet in a partner. What bothers me in my own mind is that I have had this amazing love right underneath my nose for the past seven years of my life. It has been a relationship that has been with an unconditional love and it will continue to be that way for the rest of my life. This person has loved me no matter what, no matter how I looked, or how I treated them and vice versa. He can make me laugh, and smile, and as well make me angry and sad. I love him and would do anything for him. My relationship with my son has never been of the normal mother and son relationship. Call it what you want, understand me or not I don’t care. I just know we all go through our things as parents and we will never agree on what other parents will do with their children.

 They say the connection with your child starts at birth. I am not saying I never had a connection with him, I do and always have, and it is just different. When I saw a documentary on child birth, I had seen a part where they speak of holding your baby after giving birth to them. That the hormone that you both have at that moment creates this bond between mother and child. Whether it is true or not I can see some truth to that. After Jon was born I was a proud mother of this little baby wanting to hold him all the time, I wanted him to be as close to me as possible. As he grew older and he started changing as every child does I tried to adapt to this change. We had both moved in with his father when he was 1 and he got closer and connected more to his father, and I felt more and sadder that he didn’t love me the same, he didn’t want me. (That is what I thought) he grew closer and closer to his father. I started getting depressed now my depression was not just because of him; it was many factors that were going on in my life at the time. It was my relationship with my son’s father it was the relationship with me as well. I didn’t know what I wanted in life I had lost myself completely and wanted more than just being a house wife. I didn’t know who I was any more. I needed to find that.

 See I got pregnant at 23 and I have always felt that in your twenties you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. I didn’t get that, I was raising a child and my world revolved around him and his father. Now don’t think I resent Jon for this because I do not, I wouldn’t change my life at all. Because I wouldn’t have this amazing gift in my life. 

The depression kept getting worse and worse to the point that I would not get off the couch I would not want to do anything I would eat my life away. This part is hard to admit but I wouldn’t want to take showers or get dressed, brush my teeth, nothing. I would just pull my hair back put the first comfortable thing I can find and leave the house if I had to do anything. I was not fully emotionally there for Jon. Till this day I feel a lot of pain and sadness to admit that and to see some of the tiny little things that I have done to him. Children are like sponges and I like to say as well like parrots, I feel like some of my traits at the time have been seen by him and it shows by his emotional behavior. I do believe that it has to do with me and his father arguing all the time in his presence. Now don’t think that the relationship between his father and I was in any form abusive or extremely bad. It was just loud and upsetting he had a short fuse and he would get upset and then it just would make me react and I would get loud as well. He would witness those things, especially me crying all the time. It is not healthy for a child to see that. I realized more for both of us that the relationship between his father and I was not working at all.

 Love does not fix things. 

We both loved one another, but it was not enough to make the relationship work. I had to go and break free from something that I felt that had held me down. It was not healthy for any of us. 

It has taken me a while to realize a lot of things in my life about me, I have learned who I am and the kind of woman I want to be, the kind of mother I want to be for Jon and the kind of relationship that I want us to have. I have learned at the end of the day that he will have this special relationship with his father, and especially with my mother, but I know that he will always love me. I will always have mother’s guilt just like many other mothers have. All I want is for him to be happy in life to grow up with his heart filled with love and always know that I love him with all my heart and soul and that I would do anything for him.

For those of you that don’t know Jon, let me describe him just a bit to you. He is tall for his age, extremely funny and quirky; he is a bit too sociable sometimes it scares me that he talks to just about anyone. He is to innocent and naïve for his age I believe. He looks like his father but has his mother’s personality, he is loud and crazy, loves to sing and swim he is so caring of others and very sensitive especially sensitive to others feelings. He loves animals but not real animals; he has a crazy ass imagination. And can memorize things very easily. 

He is my heart and soul. One reason why I gave him the name I did was because of the meaning behind it which meant gift from God…. He truly is that.

Parenting is not the easiest job in life but it is the most rewarding. There is no handbook on raising children you just have to try your hardest in trying to do the right things for them.

Sincerely, C

Slow......

May 30, 2012

Miami, Florida

<3= 1 month and 3 days

 

In my life when it has come down to relationships, I had a tendency of going too fast. Except for my first boyfriend.  I wanted to go slow, because I didn’t know what to expect. After my first relationship and giving him my all to my first love, I had lost my virginity to him and that was serious especially at the time. 

When I was younger I had different views and values then I do now. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl I was once before, because in some way I was much stronger than I am now. Maybe because I know how things are now. After my first heart ache of my life, I still continued to search for Love, call me a hopeless romantic. But every time I have met someone knew I wanted their attention there approval of me. I had always been an insecure person. Again I think everyone is insecure in some form. 

I can analyze myself and tell you why I was insecure, and why I have been searching for this fairy tale Love. Which now at the age of thirty I honestly don’t believe in the fairy tale. But I do believe in love. Is it because I grew up in such a large family and I seek out attention from others. It has not been the easiest thing to grow up in such a large family of 7 siblings where you are the second to last and your father has gotten to the point that he is much older that he is getting a little tired to do what he did with the others.

Don’t think I am blaming anyone for me being the way that I am now. I am just telling you my opinion on how I became the woman that I am today, which is a very sensitive, intuitive, smart, funny, kind and caring woman. I wouldn’t change my child hood at all. Neither would I change my family. Because they are the people that have molded me into whom I am today. But we do have to look at the reality of things and see where this all began.

My father is and has always been an amazing man to me; I see it now as an adult because now I understand him much more than ever. We all have had those moments in our lives that we just could not understand our parents and we were so angry we would say mean things to them because we didn’t get the things that we wanted. I think in some form I grew up feeling the way I did is because my father was not very emotional not one to express feelings or hug, and for a person that is just an extremist hugger and affectionate person I guess I craved it from my father and it can mean many reasons why I search for that male attention in almost any man. I think when we lack things in our lives we tend to go seek from other places, hence me searching for a man. I think that is why people cheat too. Because whatever they lack at home they go out and get it from the first person they get attention from. I am not saying I agree on it I’m just saying that is how I see it.

 I now have realized these things on this journey of mine and just writing this blog alone.

I don’t want just any man; I want a man that has qualities like my father, which would be sociable, hardworking, peace maker, funny, smart, and charming. 

Now getting to know the Mexican, I have realized that I rush into many things in my life, especially when it comes to men. With him it is different, he is a very busy person because he has his own business, but he still tries to keep in contact with me as much as he can, at first I thought it was lack of interest, but I have realized that is not it at all. I think slowly is better for me. And not expecting too much from a person because when you do you tend to get disappointed by the person because you had all these thoughts in your head of what you thought they would do. 

If it doesn’t work out between the Mexican and me then it’s not meant to be. The only thing that I can do is just be myself and have him accept me for who I am. I am just going to enjoy the time that I spend with him and be myself and have fun!!!

So I think slowly is good for me. 

Sincerely, C

FEAR......

May 27, 2012

Miami, Fl

<3=1 month

Listening to: Kings of Leon

 

According to dictionary.com

Fear  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

  We all have a fear in our lives, whether it may be a fear of heights, or spiders, or for like my older sister a fear of butterflies. When it comes to relationships we all suffer from some form of fear, a fear of commitment, abandonment issues, and rejection. We all have our walls built up, and we slowly bring them down for that person who is there and who is trying to win our heart. I realized recently that I have a fear that scares me so much. I think in some way I was traumatized in my last relationship that it has affected me now when I try to date. I realized that just this weekend. I recently started talking to someone that I had met online; I will call him the Mexican. We had spoken for a week, and finally set a day to meet. We had met on Friday at a restaurant, when we first met it was all smiles and laughter a nervous laughter because we were both attracted to one another. We had great conversation and a yummy dinner, after that we went to go play pool. I had realized out of the many years of my life of dating I had never been treated the way he had treated me. He was so kind and respectful, he would open the car door for me he was just a true man a real man to me, I can’t explain exactly everything that he did different that I had before all I can say is that he was amazing and sweet. The best part after he planted a cute kiss right smack on my lips he then after asked me out on another date for the following day, which I had accepted. The next date was much more comfortable and relaxed less nervous, it was filled with more excitement, laughter, and conversation. 

Today I had woken up with this small weird feeling in my stomach and a bit of sadness, I could not pin point exactly what it was but that feeling kept growing and growing to a big ball of anxiety throughout the day. I would check my phone at every chance I could get to see if there was a call or a message from the Mexican. Nothing!!!!!!!! I slowly started getting a sad feeling over me, I could not pin point it, but later in the day I will have realized why I was feeling that way. Around 11am I had broken down and text him, he responded I had sent some messages asking him if we were still on for today, because we had made plans to go to the movies. He took a while to respond to me; finally he told me he was not sure because he was extremely busy at work. I just responded by saying ok. But deep down inside I was hurt, that anxiety was now officially having all its control over me. Now what I don’t get is how you go from texting a lot and going on two consecutive dates to now barely even speaking to me and now blowing me off. That is how I looked at it.

By the time I got home I couldn’t take it anymore I had to talk to someone and let it out, I know it was all me, and I was blowing a lot out of proportion but I didn’t know what to do. I spoke to my sister in law just expressing the way I had felt and as I was speaking the tears were streaming down my face. It clicked in my head, as I was saying it out loud why I was feeling this way. I was scared!!!!!

I was scared that he lost interest and I would have blamed it on myself thinking I had done something wrong. Or he found someone else that is better. I know that if it is true it just means that it was not meant to be. But that is the thing I’m afraid of being replaced again. That is how I felt in my last relationship when my ex went on to have a relationship with my best friend at the time while she was still married. That broke me and still has left some big scars, which I always seem to feel that they have heeled but truly I don’t think they ever will until someone shows me otherwise. It is the worse feeling to be in love with someone and then finding out they don’t love you anymore and want to try something with your friend. What that does to your heart, soul, mind, and ego. It makes you feel that you will never be good enough and that you are so replaceable like you are just a piece of garbage. I want this feeling to go away, which I am great full for my friends. I was able to express my true feelings without feeling embarrassed or sad, and I was able as well to distract myself. It is true though what they told me, if nothing comes from it, it  was not meant to be but do not blame yourself for this. Which as well they told me not to text or call him anymore, and if he is really interested in wanting to talk or see me again than he can reach out to me.  It is great to having an outlet to express your fears and having people remind you what your worth is. Which I am worth a lot, sometimes you just need a little reassurance.

I know what my worth is!!!!

What are your fears when it comes to relationships? 

Sincerely, C

The Keys...

The Keys….

Miami, Florida

<3=3  Weeks

May 20, 2012

I spent a whole weekend with my niece and a group of her friends, It was honestly something so relaxing and refreshing especially to see the young couples that are married or in a relationship. I was there with about 5 couples I of course was the only single one there, normally some people would be bothered by that situation, but truthfully I was not. I was happy because I got to witness some really cool things.

My niece is engaged to be married to an amazing man who to be honest has a heart of gold, he makes you feel so comfortable and cares very much for what you are feeling. Then you have my nieces friends there are a few that are married and there are two couples that are not married. Let me tell you the different types of relationships that I witnessed this weekend were pretty cool. It makes me still believe in Love, that there are those few people out there that are so in love with one another and care so much. I had one couple that I had shared a room with and let me just say the love that filled that room, had brought me to tears by the end of the trip. Maybe call it some form of envy. But all I know is that I felt that love and saw it with my own two eyes like it was some rare form of species walking in front of me, the things that they do for one another the things that they would say. 

One thing that I took with me at the end of this trip was to not lose hope, and to just let go. When you are not looking for it, is when it happens for you, that is what everyone had told me that night. I do believe it to, I think not just with love but a lot of good things that happen to us in our lives, is when we least expect it that is when the good stuff comes to us.

Do you remember when you first encountered that amazing person? Were you looking for it? How did it happen? Tell me your story.

Bye...Bye...Bye...To the past

Bye…Bye…Bye….. To the past………

Miami, Fl

May 16, 2012

<3=2weeks

Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie

We go through things in our past to teach us a lesson in life, sometimes we question why these horrible situations happen to us.  I know I have. 

Its funny what the smallest things can inspire me to write, I think it is fate. I turned on my computer so I can start writing about what I have been going through and the first thing that comes on my I tunes which is on shuffle is nsync bye bye bye.

 Why is it that I cannot get him out of my head there is always something that reminds me of him.  Instead of being something good for me he has just been a cancer to me that is slowly eating away at the inside of my heart.  We all have that one person that we fall in love with that destroys us to the core that can make us bitter and angry in life or just not nice people. For example a young man that I work with, he is a smart, tall, funny, good looking (I should not have said that because now he is going to be even more cocky than what he is :)) young man who seems to have been brought up by a good family. We will call him “JUST J”.  He is young he just started living life and already at the age of 22 is damaged by a woman. He was in a relationship with a girl who he gave his all too. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I know it does for me. We all have had that relationship that sometimes it gets to the point of codependency to that obsession. That we think that we wouldn’t be able to live without them if they were not in our lives.  He gave everything to her. That was his first love. What did she do? she took the love that he gave her and basically balled it up like it was just a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Why do we do that as humans? He loved her like no other and gave everything that he could ever give her and if she wanted more he probably would run across a mountain to get it for her.  She cheated on him and made him the man that he is today.

Do you know why most men and woman become the assholes or bitches they are today, it’s because of love and what we do to one another. We become bitter, jaded, and untrusting to the next person that comes in to our life. I know because of this girl this is why he is the way he is, most men that come off as a cocky mother fucker and think they are better than others is only them hiding the major insecurities that they have within. I have come in contact with many people that have had that one cancer in their life that they keep going back to them for more, are we all just masochist? Why is it that we put up with that behavior of someone treating us like we are not good enough for them? We do not deserve to be treated that way. No matter how much we may love that person it does not mean we should be disrespected in that manner.

Now going in to this new life I have to leave the past in the past and not let it come back to haunt me. I won’t let it. As well my friend “JUST J”, don’t let her take you for granted because at the end of the day it will be her loss. She took for granted your love, but don’t let your love just sit there and spoil like old rotten milk. You need to remove this cancer that is eating away at you. Because if not you are going to be old and angry old man. It takes a lot of work to let go and to not be angry. It is ok to feel this way right now. Be guarded but don’t be too guarded there will be someone else that will come into your life that will give you the respect and all the love in return that you truly deserve. One day you will look back at your first love and you will think this is something so small compared to what you have been through in life. As you read this, leave the past behind you, don’t contact her anymore, because all you will be doing is recontaminating yourself with this cancer. We all deserve to be loved, but to what extent?

I know I want it but I don’t want it that bad if it means to me that someone will not accept me for me, if it means degrading myself, or settling for someone that I am not in love with. I want to find a relationship that my siblings have, or like my parents. I have so many role models when it comes to relationships that have lasted either a long time or just started, but you can feel the love when they are with one another.

I know he is out there, and I know he will love me for me, for being the emotional, crazy, goofy, drag queen who likes to wear makeup, and bright colors, who has a child, who is dramatic, and who cries at the drop of a hat, and wears her heart on her sleeve, who is not the skinniest person, who has tattoos, and analyzes everything, and asks a lot of questions, who loves chocolate and music, who loves to dance and have fun and tries to be kind to others and tries not to judge people, but who has been damaged by her past, who is insecure but not to the point that it will impede with her life, who can be financially unstable at times, who loves to sing and make people laugh and will do crazy funny things to make children laugh especially her very serious niece that will only laugh if you dance like a lunatic, There is so much more that can sum me up but that would take too long. This is me and he will accept me for me and love me as I will for him. That is love, love should not be trying to change the other person, and it is accepting them for who they are. Learn from your family we love our family no matter what, right? It is an unconditional love that we have for them and we didn’t even choose them. So imagine the person that we do find.

Can you name or admit the things about yourself like I just did that you want your other person to love no matter what?

Sincerely, C

The day is coming... the day is near...

 

Giving up something….

May 11, 2012

Miami, Fl

Listening to: My Morning Jacket

In life we sometimes have to give up certain things. Some give up eating sweets because it may be bad for their health, some give up soda, others have to give up something they love like a sport or hobbies just because they may have injured themselves.

After basically writing my feelings in this blog, and saying things that I have wanted to say. As well hearing others people’s perspectives on the topics. I have come to the conclusion I want to give up something. Now this is something that I don’t think I can give up for the rest of my life. After reading the post that several of you put up with the sex blog, it made me think about a lot of things.

I feel that I have been set free in some form, and one thing that I feel will make me feel even better about myself and make me happy will be giving up sex…

(Silence)………………..

I am being 100% honest right now. I want to be able to share a special moment with the man that I love, now I am not saying that I am going to wait for marriage but I am saying that I am going to wait for a man that I am in love with and he as well as me.

This is going to be a bit weird because I think some of my family reads this but who cares. I will not hold back. Now everyone in life, ok maybe not everyone but a lot of people these days have that one person they can count on to help them in that department, I had that… (Booty call). But to be honest I wasn’t happy about that. The end result someone gets hurt or something just goes bad. We all know that women will get attached to the man. Now it doesn’t happen to every woman, with every man. But when that woman finds the man attractive and see’s him often she will get attached. Don’t say you don’t…. we all know you do Ladies. Some just hide it better than others. I just want to stop searching that is all. I have been doing this for the past 2 years now. To be honest I have not found much and what I have found has just ended up disappointing me in so many ways. I have been lied to, time and time again. I have been disrespected. I can honestly say I can count on 1 hand of all the guys that I met and was a complete gentleman to me.

I need to think of me, I have been too worried so much of finding this person that might not even exist or is just not here yet. Like a good friend says to me her knight and shining in armor is not on a white horse he is on a turtle on his way to see her. Mine took a quick detour to get my chocolates and flowers. I am really just plain old tired. I want to go do things and not care about anything. I want to enjoy my life and not stress over these minimal things in life.

So I am declaring tonight as day one of this new spiritual cleansing and finding my inner beauty. So I will say it has been a week of not having sex. So from now on when I put up my blog I will put up this (<3= 1) so you know how long it has been.

What would you want to give up?

Sincerely, C

Goals in life....what goal do you want to achieve in 2012

Goals…..

 

May 10, 2012

Miami, Florida

Listening to: Arcade Fire            

We all have goals in our lives. If we didn’t than I feel like we would have no meaning no purpose. 

In my early 20’s I didn’t have many goals in my life I was partying way too much, doing drugs, drinking, just hanging out with the wrong crowd.  I didn’t have much care in the world. I worked a nine to five job, thinking  I would not amount to much because I was a high school dropout and didn’t really know what I wanted to do in my life, what was the point I never liked school so why go.

I had started a new job in the summer of 2001. There I will have met someone who will have changed my life forever in many ways.

 I started talking to him and we embarked on a 5 year relationship where he had made an impact on my life that will forever have change me as a woman.

I was 23 at the time when I found out the scariest and happiest news. Scary for me because it was a responsibility that was so large that I didn’t think that I can handle but I will embrace and try my hardest to be the best I could be. What am I speaking of?  

I was pregnant.

 A human was growing inside of me. I never thought in my mind to have an abortion. Not for religious beliefs. I have always believed that it is a woman’s right to choose. But for me I have never thought that was an option because I had always believed that if I did have that abortion and later on in life I wanted to have a baby and I couldn’t I would hate myself forever. You never know what can go wrong in an abortion; some foreign object is going up inside of you and removing a baby. I know people will not agree that it is a baby at that time but I believe that it is the moment of conception, call it what you want but that is my opinion. I try not to judge people on that because I have not walked in their shoes. I just don’t believe in the fact that people use that as a form of their birth control.

So once I had my son, things changed in so many ways for me as a person. It was not till after the fact living with my son’s father and having reality set in of taking care of a child and living pay check to check, we saw one another’s true colors, we would argue a lot. I am not going to put blame solely on him. The end of the relationship was because of us both. We just did not work out, I did end the relationship because I was not happy and was very depressed and I wanted an out. I needed to set myself free. I was not happy with in myself I needed to change so many things. One thing I can say we have a decent relationship and I am a very lucky woman to have him in my life and have him as my sons father because I hear all these sad stories of kids not having their fathers in their life. I honestly don’t know what I would do without his support and his love. I know he loves me as do I but at least for me it is not in that way anymore.

After the break up I had decided to go to school for medical assisting I did so well in school got the best grades graduated with honors. I found my true passion which was helping and taking care of people. I worked for about nine months at a doctor’s office but I got fired for making too many mistakes. This was at time in my life where I was going through some hard times and was not focusing. Which in the medical field you cannot make mistakes because it can affect many people especially that is the doctor’s reputation that you can affect as well. I understood when they let me go. I was very saddened by the situation, but I had understood. I respect the doctors and staff in that office too much. It ended, I think well because now she is my doctor. So things do happen for a reason.

I found another job, it is not medical but it is still impacting people lives’ in many different ways. I love what I do, and love the people that I work with. For me it is like a second home.

I still have goals I sometimes wonder if it is too many goals. I want to do so many things. First goal on the list which I am doing as we speak, is this, I never thought I’m going to write a blog, but I have always wanted to write and have people read it. Whether it is a book, a screen play, or something. I think to myself if I write my story and people read it, it will touch there life or make them think. My goal is to make an impact on someone or many people’s lives. Which I hope I have done or will do as I continue to write this blog.

The next goal on my list is to lose more weight. I have lost about 90 pounds so far and would like to lose some more. How much? I am not sure. This is not to be super skinny and or to attract men, this is for me. This will make me happy. So I will start on this new journey with all of you following along of losing weight and changing things in my life. I just want to find my happiness. I am happy but I feel like there can be more changes in my life to get me to that point of being content within myself. Because I feel as a person you have to find that happiness within you to be able to have those amazing things come into your life. I feel as a parent especially if you are not happy with in yourself than your child can emulate that, they will absorb all the negativity like a sponge. I think I am a good mom but I want to be a better mother. I have a lot of “mother’s guilt” in so many ways. I want my relationship with my son to be different. That is why I want to change many things with me. So I can be happier. The saying goes when you are married a happy wife a happy life. Well I am going to change that a happy mommy a happy child. That is one of my goals to have my son grow up to be happy the way I did.

What are your goals?

Pick one thing that you would like to do before the year 2012 ends; it can be a small goal or a large goal.

I would love to hear from you and see what goals you may have and see how you will achieve them.

Sincerely, C

 

Carolina, 28

Teacher and Business owner

“My goal is to be a good fiancé (soon to be wife), daughter and friend. And to make sure everyone in my life knows just how important they are to me. Also to be HAPPY at all times no matter what! Don’t know if that is a goal or a promise to me….lol”

Caroline

Lawyer

“Pay off my debt …credit card debt that is”

Kristin, 26 

Professional 2012 goal:  get a promotion to senior manager and improve my channel marketing acumen

Personal 2012 goal: Lose weight to attain target weight if 150. I have lost 22 pounds I’m almost 3 months and 6 pounds shy of reaching my goal!!!!

 

Andres, 22

Student 

“That is a toughie. I like the track that I am on right now. Great girlfriend, finishing up with school and the company I started up with my friends won a prize”