My last gift from the universe is Ron. I deleted my online
account while I was talking to Robert, reactivated when I had several conversations
with two female friends of mine, they both have met their boyfriends through
online dating, and they both told me to not give up. S o I didn’t, probably a
few days of me chatting briefly with different people. I receive a message, it
was Ron and he had a very simple message, but you can tell he thought about
what he wanted to say, normally you get “HI”,”HEY SEXY”, “YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
SMILE”. I wrote him back, and we messaged back and forth until we decided to
text, later that evening we spoke for 4 hours. We met the following day after
that. What I can say about Ron is that he was respectful, sincere, funny, nerdy,
and just so down to earth, honest as well. We spoke for about four hours that
night and got to know one another even better. The great part about Ron is that
we both have that connection, we both communicate well with one another, we
seem to have similar views on a lot of things, and of course the best part he
is attracted to me and I to him.
My dilemma was that I had started realizing, I was already
starting the self sabotage mode, I do this a lot, and I start to overt think
and think all the negative things that he could possibly do as a man. We had
that discussion about that this evening, I need to relax and just be patient,
relax and realize that he is not only telling me what he feels but he is
showing me as well. Now I really am getting everything that I have asked the
universe when it comes to a partner. I know this is so new and I could be just
jumping the gun with my thoughts, but again then I would be thinking
negatively. All I could do now, is enjoy my time with this beautiful gift that I
was given for whatever amount of time that I have with him, and I need to
always remember that there is always a lesson around the corner, and I feel
that he is that one person to finally make me see that there are those truly
good men out there. They are out there, I know because I have them as my
friends. So we will see what happens
between him and me, but regardless, I will enjoy every moment of it. I want to
embrace life and embrace those that want me in their lives and that accept me
for being me.
The past few months I have been through what will now be an
eye opening experience. I have finally discovered of why everything has
happened to me when it comes to dating. So to make you understand I have to
start from the beginning of about a month ago. I had signed up for online
dating once again. I really felt like I was ready, I was stronger than I have
ever been, and a lot more understanding of what I wanted and needed in a
partner. I embarked on my online dating journey and started the right foot,
well that is what it felt like. Come to find out, I needed to learn a final
lesson before I could continue my journey in life, in finding myself and
happiness, and as well finding a partner. I have frequently reminded you
readers that I have been single for the past 5 years. I would write about my
experiences, especially when it went wrong. The first guy that I met was Tony
and I had a good connection from the instant that I sent him the message. The
first night we spoke for 6 hours on the phone, with several bathrooms breaks
(weak bladder), I instantly started to like Tony, and he was mentally
stimulating, and made me laugh. On top of that I found him attractive. So eventually
Tony and I had met after I believe to be a week of speaking to one another,
brief texts and very brief phone call. It
was a casual encounter, meaning it wasn’t like a date; it was more like a
friend visiting. Tony and I for two days hung out with one another, and it
turned out to be a very fun time, it was at the end when I felt like things had
changed and then he was strange with me. So I quickly started to panic. You
probably are wondering why I would panic?
Now the five years I have had very brief dates meaning they didn’t
last very long. Maybe the guy didn’t like me, or maybe something about him made
me not like him. Or you can have the problem, is that you can meet someone and
like them, and then find out they don’t feel the same. Of course those are the
hard ones to deal with, the ones that you like but find out they don’t and you
get crushed. One little itsy bitsy relationship (it lasted about a month, for
me that wasn’t a relationship) happened last year, and let me just say that was
a bad one. How people can change on you flip the switch per say, they show you
all this amazing side of them, and want to be with you all the time, and then
for whatever reason get bored of you, and move on to someone else, while they
slowly start to distant themselves from you. So when you have had bad
experience and bad experience after the other, then you will be traumatized. You
will now have all this data basically on men, especially when you keep meeting
the same kind of man. It seems to be that a lot of men are afraid of women like
me; I am a woman that will challenge you, a woman that will question a lot, a
woman that is extremely multi facetted, but someone that is so in tune with her
emotions that she will tell you everything she feels. I understand not everyone
can communicate what they feel like I do, not everyone can empathize and relate
to your emotions, and not everyone is as intuitive as I am. That stuff scares a
lot of men, and Tony was one of those men that just couldn’t hack it. He runs
away from anything, and will give up quickly just to not to deal with anything
that might have a little difficulty. But that just shows you the type of person
that he is. Would you want to be in battle with that kind of person? Nope.
After Tony I met my soul mate, now I know what you are thinking. A lot of
people confuse soul mate for that one person in your life that you marry. But
with the research I have done, I found out that a soul mate is not a person
that you fall in love with and he is perfect for you. A soul mate can be anyone;
it can be your mother, father, sister or brother, a friend, a guy or a girl. You
can have more than one soul mate. You can have 10, I’ve realized that this year
I have several soul mates in my life, those friends that you just know that are
always there for you and you can count on for anything. Well I have those. But I
am going to only speak of the soul mates that have come into my life the past
few years, and why they are in my life. My male soul mates. I have 3, my first
soul mate is the first male friend that I have ever had, I can go to him at any
time and ask for advice, and he will give me the straight answer, in his own
rough way that I can only understand because I get him. His name is Joe, and Joe
has been my friend since I have been 18, and one thing about Joe, I don’t have
to see him all the time, but when we do get
together, it always feels like it was just the other day I saw him. Then
after Joe, a few years ago, the universe introduced me to Albert, Albert has
opened my eyes to so much, in life. We spend a lot of time together when he is
here visiting, and I have recently told him that I feel like he is my own
personal guru. He always makes me see such a different side of the situation
whenever I’m seeing it another way. Now last but not least my sensitive soul
brother, that gets me and accepts all of me and like I say to him, you get all
my crazy. Cesar has been in my life for about a year now, and Cesar was one of
those men that I had liked and got super disappointed when he didn’t like me,
after constant discussions, and back and forth, and trying to understand me and
I him. We have finally truly both grown and become much stronger people, that
our friendship is so much stronger than ever. I love these 3 men so much, the
thing that they all have in common would be me and understanding me and
accepting me for me. They have been showing me this whole time that there are
men out there, who are not assholes, who are genuinely honest and down to earth
and appreciate everything that I offer as a friend.
The One good thing that Tony gave me was the little tip, was
to watch the secret. I’ve never seen it before, when I finally saw it a week
after Tony disappeared, I had an aha moment (like Oprah calls it). I discovered
a different way of thinking, which it made me feel positive about things, now I’m
not going to say that I have been 100% positive. But I did feel like after
that, the universe sent me a gift, to show me that I am not done learning my
lesson. The universe sent me Robert; I met him online as well. Now with Robert,
he was much more attentive, so positive and sweet, and I liked him. When we met
it was like we were old friends, I was starting to feel a little pattern going
on, and how comfortable I had felt with Tony and then the comfort level was
much stronger with Robert. Robert and I had finally met and I started liking
him quick, he was giving me everything that I had asked for in a man. He was
kind, respectful, caring, and attentive. But there was a problem, Robert didn’t
feel the same attraction towards me, I was hurt, hurt and saddened because I really
thought maybe this was going to be something more. But I discovered it was just
that, it was something more! he was that last piece of my lesson. Robert from
the beginning was very receptive to my openness and my impulsive behavior. When
I was upset and sad by the fact he didn’t feel the same, I would let him know
how upset or just express emotions that I was feeling. I would tell him things
thinking he would respond to me, like all the other guys would. “OH YOU ARE
FUCKING CRAZY! OR I CANT HANDLE THIS, YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE”, or whatever they
say. I expected him to be an asshole. Each time I reacted or had diarrhea of
the mouth and just say whatever I felt at that moment, he would always respond
with a kind and positive response.
You see my problem is, I’m so blinded by the past that I have
encountered with men, that I can’t see those good guys, I can’t give them the
benefit of the doubt , I automatically go to negative mode.
As my 34th birthday slowly approaches, I begin to
reflect on my past and what my accomplishments are, and what I still need to
work on. I have been through a lot this past year; most people would say that
2015 was not good to me. I actually think it has, I lost my job that I was
miserable in and wanted to get out of the negativity hole. Then of course lost
a friend who I thought was a friend, but turned out she wasn’t that. A friend
is someone that is supposed to be there for you and not judge you and support
you whatever you do. I came to find out that wasn’t at all what I had. This
person would speak of me in such a negative way and would say that I have not
amounted to anything. Maybe in society’s standards I may not be wealthy or have
all the amazing things that a lot of people strive for these days. I don’t want
that, I want happiness, and to succeed in my goals that I have created within myself.
I want health and I want to do what I love and passionate about. After all of
that happened shortly after I had lost my place that I was living in, moved
back into my family home, and then eventually my car basically gave up on me as
well.
I can look at all of those things and be depressed over
that, but what I ended up doing was embracing all the changes that were
happening in my life. I questioned often why these things were happening to me,
constantly. I now realize that if I didn’t lose my job, I wouldn’t have hustled
and come up with such amazing ideas when it came to my art. Losing that friend
was the universe removing this toxic person to bring a new people and to make
me realize that I need peace in my life. Losing my car had made me walk more,
and be healthier. So did I lose anything? No I didn’t, I actually replaced
those things for something better. Again losing my job=finding my passion,
losing my home= being at home with family that support me in what I do with my
life, losing my car=walk more=health, losing a friend= gain new positive friends.
So yes we can always look at things for what you think they
are, but you truly have to look at the bigger picture. The signs are all there
but a lot of people are too busy and going way too fast to look at the signs
and see why these things are happening in your life. I have realized that I have
so much support in my life especially with what I love to do, when it comes to
painting. I’ve never had so much positive words being told to me from people I don’t
even know, which that is always amazing to hear.
Dating
I’ve recently had gone back on to online dating, I thought
that I was ready in some way to find a companion. A lot of the time when people
go online is due to boredom and loneliness. It has been hard sometime throughout
my 5 years of being single, wanting to have that companionship and to be able
to grow with that other person and be supportive. This time it was short lived,
I went on again and I would say I had two eye opening experiences. I’ve learned
even more about myself every time I meet a new person. The first person that I met
was pretty cool, what I thought was cool, but then had realized I had met
someone that wasn’t being their authentic self, they were at a crossroads in
their life, the few days that I knew him, I saw a fun side, then I realized he
is battling a few things deep down inside within himself that I was not able to
help. The moment you confront a person like this, and say to them what you feel
or think, they automatically get defensive and tear you apart. That is someone
that is not honest with them; the universe brought him into my life for a
reason, to teach me something about me, and to make me see the good and the
things that I still need to work on. As soon as the universe brought him to me,
the universe quickly took him away. It
was a very confusing moment for me, I like to believe peoples word and what
they say, but again not everyone is going to be honest with you and they will
tell you what you want to hear.
Shortly after that encounter, the universe
threw me a curve ball, a very attractive curve ball, again to teach me many
lessons with this one.
Have you ever met someone for the first time, and felt so comfortable with them, like you have known them forever, they even look a bit familiar too, like you have met them before, and like you can say or do whatever and wouldn't be judged? Well that is how it was with the next person that came into my life, I will call him blue eyes. Blue eyes came into my life in
such a strange way never expecting for it to turn out this way. From the moment
I saw his pictures and read his profile I was initially drawn to him. He gave
me a good feeling that he looked to be a good guy, honest, and caring. When we
first started messaging each other the conversation flowed so easily, like
speaking to an old friend. Then eventually moved to text and then to phone call,
when we spoke it was so odd that we had so much in common with one another, we
had been through a lot of similar things in life, very similar personalities
and morals and beliefs. It was great to have this positive experience after the
last person. The day that we met was such a great night, I truly don’t think I’ve
opened up to a stranger the way I did with him. We had a connection that was
undeniable, there was chemistry as well, and I was truly hopeful of the
situation.
So what went wrong? I had questioned that a lot, I think it
had to do with many different reasons, first myself was one of the problems, I am
so use to the negative outcome that I always look for those signs and then I never
enjoy my time with the person. I over think and analyze down to the bone and
ask questions like I’m a five year old with so much curiosity about a subject, I
overwhelmed myself with all the over thinking, I feel that it was sensed by old
blue eyes. That of course is not my most attractive trait. Old blue eyes was
open from the very beginning with me, and still this day is, he sees me as a
friend, and agrees we have a connection with one another, a connection that he hasn’t
had before. What I appreciate the most about him, he has been 100% honest with
me, and has listened to me when I had questions. He has been very patient with
me and has not pushed me away like a lot of people have done. I am a very rare
kind of breed, and sometimes it is hard to understand me, and for some they
just get me and accept me, and that is what he did, he has accepted me for me,
he has not once criticized me or pointed out things like the last person did,
he has been absolutely kind to me. Again we can look at the negative outcome
and say woe is me, but I didn’t lose anything, I gained another honest and true
friend in my life. I know old blue eyes and I will be long time friends.
Thankful
I am extremely thankful
for all of you who are in my life and who support me in what I do, for my old
and new friends that are in my life and who listen to me when I’m stressing
over dumb shit….. Thank you.
For the friends that push me to be better because I want to
change, but sometimes have those negative thoughts that block my way…..thank
you.
For my family for supporting me in this process of growth
and still becoming this amazing woman that I am becoming….. Thank you.
And for all my supporters and lover of my art…. I want to
thank you as well.
