The Next Chapter of "MY STORY"

  November has been pretty tough month. I had stopped doing a lot of things that I was doing to make myself happier and better. I decided in my mind that I was ready to start dating again. I go through my phases that I want to be by myself and then I feel lonely. So I went back on line to find a man. I found some people that lasted a bit longer than just one date. 

There was one he was an electrician, I enjoyed his company he was nice and good looking. There were a few things that bothered me about him. I started thinking wow I’m shallow to even consider these things, this little small courtship or whatever you want to call it, Ended by him calling me crazy. I laughed at that one because he was the one that brought up the fact that he didn’t feel like he loved me. I told him that I thought it would be too soon to tell if he was in love with me, I was still questioning if I wanted even to have anything with him. 

I had to question my true feelings, because subconsciously I had felt that I was using him in some way, I think now and wonder if I was using him for his company. Because I didn’t have that feeling for him, that oh my goodness feeling, that excitement that I was going to see him, the butterflies even when we kissed. . (Nothing!!!! I felt nothing) I felt like I was forcing something when that connection wasn’t even there.

See the problem about online dating its very drive thru service style… you look and see what you want you make your order and when you receive it and you don’t like it you take it back and this is all in a two day process. Where is the time of truly getting to know them? Yes you like them cause of the packaging and yes sometimes you get false advertising but sometimes life happens and they are not always going to look or be like there profile. It is funny how most women are more understanding about things… like oh you have two kids that’s ok I love kids…. Oh you are in between jobs… that’s ok I understand you will find something new…

I’ve been that way a little too often feeling like if I decline the date I am missing out on something. I have been the yes woman, saying yes to almost any date possibility that I have encountered. When the electrician left I was a bit sad because someone was giving me the attention that I wanted. That I had been craving for. I had stopped going to the gym because I had focused my time on my job and my life and free time was with the electrician. I didn’t like the way I felt sometimes with him I had felt I was being judged. I didn’t judge him for living with his parents at the age of 35 or question why he was not married. Everyone goes through their journey in life and takes them to where they are at the moment it doesn’t mean that it will not change. Like my son J says it is in my story mommy. This is our story, our journey and it is not finished being written, we can take ourselves out of this chapter and move on to another one that is only if we choose to. I choose to move on to the next chapter, I am going to have many chapters in my life. What I am tired of is this chapter right now; I want my next chapter to be a happy one. Which so far it has started off great. my mind is clearer and I know what I have to do to prove to myself, I have realized that all the struggles and strife that I have gone through this past month has only been the reason of solely one person, that person is ME! I am my own worst enemy, we all our to ourselves. I have been stressed and angry for things that I do have control over, and I am here to change them.  

After the electrician I had met Boston, he was ten years older but he was a breath of fresh air, his humor, his personality. He had a child just like me same age and all. When I had spoken to him it was comfortable he would tell me stories of his childhood and I would love to hear the stories, and vice versa. I was still going through my shit so my mindset was all over the place I enjoyed the little feelings that someone seemed genuinely into me, I had not felt that in a while. For the first few days we would text mostly the whole day, and then from there we would talk for a couple hours. 

My mind was unsure; it has its moments that it fights with me making me feel like I should not believe anything he says. That of course stems from my last relationship, and the only reason I was even feeling this way was because of the fact that I was going through that time of the month that every woman goes through, for some reason they have become very tough for me the emotions that I have on top of the stress that I had been going through, didn’t mix well like a really bad combo of alcohol and beer. It makes you sick.

The day we met it was great we had kissed and everything, but once that happened I became even more insecure than my normal self, like that is it there is nothing else he is not going to talk to me anymore calls it self-sabotage, mental self sabotage in some way. I guess I do this out of fear of getting hurt I prepare my mind that they are not into me just so I don’t have to deal with that excruciating pain that I once felt in my life. I thought I was over that whole thing it has been two years, but I guess not… I still have scars of that past relationship. One person told me that if I continue to think that this person will do what the last person did to me, then I am pretty much bringing my past with me. I have to give them the benefit of the doubt. No matter what you have been through the person that you are with now, is not the same person that you were with last. So do not think that they will do the same to you.

I am going to focus on me again, number one person that needs to be focused on, all else will fall into place, I cannot control love and cannot control life either but I can control on working on myself and that is all I am going to do…. I will begin to write my story once again and have this chapter be a good one, one that I can be proud of…

Stay tuned….

Sincerely

Catalina

31...

August 30, 2012

Miami, Fl

Listening to: The Proclaimers

Well it’s here!!! My birthday I am a year older, a little bit wiser, tougher, more confident, happier. 

Beauty does come with age, I feel like I have become much more beautiful as I get older.

Only because I have grown much more confident with in myself, and realized it is ok to be alone. You have to be happy with in yourself to receive the many amazing beauties in this world, which I think would be self worth, happiness, and love with in yourself. That is when you start seeing so many things different, things just looking clearer.

I honestly feel that in the past two years that I have been single, I have been having one of those rollercoaster rides of emotions of everything that I went through in my last relationship. The pain is gone now. The happiness is in me, the happiness of knowing that it happened for a reason no matter how bad things ended, and to be honest I know many women say this to one another but I don’t need anyone to say this for me, IT WAS TRULY HIS LOSS, that is the truth. 

I have found some new hobbies in my life, which is going to the gym I actually hired a trainer and he kicks my ass every time I see him. It makes me feel better I can let out the anxieties of a bad day at work or just stress alone that I have to deal with, it is my form of zanax. It calms me down and I love it.

I still have so much changing that I want to do and I will, continue I am more determined now for myself I am much more driven.

I want to thank the people that have been through thick and thin in my life, new and old thank you for loving me for me and accepting me for all my funny and crazy ways.

I am so blessed to have each and every single one of you in my life you know who you all are.

Sincerely

C.

ALL I HAVE IS ME !!!!

August 13, 2012

Miami, Fl

So once again I have not written in a while. Reason being I was going through a slight low for a while going through the same routine, an unhealthy routine. Focusing on anything that was not me, something just clicked one day and made me stop the vicious circle. I am not saying I am better now I’m cured of being the insecure girl that I have been for a long time. It takes time to stop thinking that way and to start believing in myself.  I have realized my issues and why I have issues towards men, which I have come to accept it.

My first boyfriend I was 17 when I met him, and it was great at the beginning just like most relationships at the beginning it usually is great. Then things started changing I got comfortable in the relationship. We would go out to eat and go out to eat again for some reason when you are in a relationship you tend to go out to eat. Why? It’s like no one is creative to think of other things to do in a relationship, other than eat.  I was very insecure at the time, never knew the meaning of sexy which it is now at the age of 30 I know what it is and feel it much more than ever before.

Cutting to the chase, years into the relationship I was becoming unhappy because I felt like things were changing, he had mentioned things like I have gained weight. Make me watch what I ate; finally for my birthday he comes into my house for my birthday party, he had a card at hand as my present with a rose. When I opened the gift it said that he had signed me up for La weight loss. That was a blow to the ego. I realized the type of person that I am; if someone forces me to do something I won’t do it, even if they give me some incentive.

Like my mother one year said if you lose this much weight I will pay for you to go to Chile to see your family. Did I take up the offer? NO!!! Other people would have, but I didn’t want to. I felt insulted.

My second boyfriend, well I have explained in past blogs that I was with him for five years and I had a kid with him. I went through a bad depression for a while and had gained a lot of weight, my heaviest was 315 pounds, it was to the point when I was with him and I was trying to lose weight I felt like in some form he would purposely try to sabotage the way I would eat just so I didn’t lose weight. Because of his insecurities he didn’t want me to lose weight because he thought I would leave him for someone else.

Then my last boyfriend the one who I talk about a lot in this blog, I started this blog as therapy because how hurt I was the way everything had ended. Well he was let’s say not very proud of me, especially at the beginning he never really wanted to show his affection out in public, but in private was different. It was to the point that he would not hold my hand in public and all because he had this vision of what he should be with when it came to physicality, and I most definitely did not fit into that picture of his mind. I of course never knew my worth in any of these relationships.  I have begun to learn what I am worth, and I know one thing that I don’t want to be with anyone who is not going to love me for me.

So I have had a membership to the gym for months now and instead of going I would just watch every month they would deduct money from my account. So about a month and a half ago I started going to the gym, I was going everyday and I did well by myself but then I hit a moment that I started getting bored. So I decided to take up the offer of a trainer. I went one day and made an appointment with a trainer he explained to me everything and how it works. Honestly I thought in some way I was making a big mistake by adding this on, but so far just a week and a half with Sammy I have seen a huge difference not only in my body, but for just going to the gym and working out I feel much happier I have a routine and I don’t care anymore about the bullshit that I use to think about, my mind is clear. I truly have him to thank for that. I’m excited to see the changes. I have a goal of 50 pounds by January, not only will I be smaller, I will be much more confident in myself only because I know I can do this. One thing about Sammy is he pushes me and that is what I need. I opened to being pushed to that limit. He gets me to the point where I want to kick him in the balls of the pain that I am in at that moment, but like he says every time I tell him that I hate him. “You will hate me now, but will love me later” it’s true I am great full for his support and the push that I need. You feel empowered when you are lifting weights and thought you can’t do it. He is there in your ear telling you, you CAN do it. He reminds me of those teachers that you have in school that see your full potential and push you until you do it right. I am so happy where my life is headed right now. I am in a much better place in my life and I am so happy that I took the initiative to do this.

Today as I was done with my workout with Sammy and went to go do cardio for half an hour, I started thinking a lot of my past and how proud I am of myself. As most of my close friends and family this is typical of me but I got emotional it was to the point that I could not breathe because I wanted to explode in tears of how happy I am. What made me think and get to that point was listening to the song of Kelly Clarkson, Mr. Know it all. I t just made me think of all the people that I have come  across in my life that have always assumed who I was by first glance or if I opened my mouth, people can assume who I am, but really don’t truly know who I am. This song is inspiring for me listen to the words it will make you think , and make you realize that no one really know’s who you truly are except for yourself and that is all that matters…  ALL I HAVE IS ME !!!!!!

Sincerely,

Catalina

LIST...

July 20,2012

LISTENING TO: TEMPER TRAP

MIAMI, FL 

We all have these things that we want to do in our life, call them goals, achievements, and a bucket list. They can be something’s that are small and minuscule to the large and grand. I have had thought of many things of what I would like to do. So far I started my list. Which is to lose more weight. We all have to take our time to complete these achievements that we set out for ourselves. I know I can’t do everything all in one day. But that’s the best part that you have all these things to look forward to. I’ve never had this idea before call it laziness, or not being hopeful. Now at my age I think very differently. People are always so bitter and angry with this world that we live in. I say embrace your strengths and work on your weakness and stop blaming this world that we live in and the people that are in it. We are our own worst enemy; our mind is a very powerful part of ourselves that makes us think we can’t do things. But like the best teachers we have had in our lives that have always said to us you can do anything if you put your mind to it. There are things on my list that I know that people will be like “yeah right” you can’t do that. I don’t care what other people think I want to do something I’m going to do it for me.

Here is my list of things that I want to do.

Lose weight

Find happiness

Financially stable

Go back to school

Learn how to play an instrument (possibly the drums)

Write a book

Be a sexologist (sex and relationship therapist)

My son be happy and healthy

A non smoker

Learn how to dance flamenco

Visit new places

Go to more concerts

Meet new and interesting people

Spend more time with family

Make a difference in this world

Be more of a bitch

Have my own place

Get plastic surgery

Sing

Laugh more

There are so many more things that I probably can’t think at this moment but will be added on to my list in the future.

Start writing your list today and start working on what you want to do with your life. This is your life always remember that no one can tell you what you can or cannot do with it. Enjoy the time that you have.

Sincerely, C

THE FUNERAL....

JULY 19, 2012

LISTENING TO: BAND OF HORSES

MIAMI, FL                                                      

Like reptiles we shed skin. Now we may not do it every six years or whatever the amount is that they might shed their skin.

Sometimes we need to shed that old skin every 2 years or less than that. We all go through things in life where we question the decisions that we have made. We question where our life is headed and when we go through the bad things it makes us see things that we may not have noticed before about ourselves. I have been through this long road of self pitying in some way, and I am tired of it. I want to feel happy and not worry about those small things. Yes sometimes I have the victim tendencies. People who are usually insecure and not happy with in themselves like me are “victims” well they make themselves the victim. They tend to blame others for their mistakes and for there down falls. I am tired of that behavior that I have grown accustomed to. I usually blame men for the pain that I feel inside of not feeling happy and beautiful. At the end of the day I am the one to blame for that. I was once told that I am too willing I am submissive. I never thought of myself as that before. I always thought I was a strong woman who wouldn’t take crap from anyone but at the end of the day I have. I have taken a lot of shit from people. The only way I can stop being this way and to change this old skin of mine is to shed it and let it go, bury it and not look back. Since 2009 I have been trying to change my physical appearance thinking that will help me with my self esteem, which has helped but I was still doing self destructive things. One thing that I was doing ever since my ex boyfriend had broken up with me was trying to distract myself with men. I was doing the online thing meeting men going on dates and basically wasting my time when I should of mended my heart from the pain that I have felt, the betrayal of what he did to me was intense and not a lot of people would have been able to come out of it sane. In some way I probably have not, I have a lot to work through when it comes to that last relationship, especially self esteem. I was going into the dating process thinking that I was ready to love another but really how can I love anyone else if I didn’t love myself. Men are like dogs they can smell the insecurities the desperation the fear from a mile away. I thought I had a hold on myself and my emotions but I did not I still don’t.

See the thing is I know who I am and I know who I want to be, but If I don’t make the changes of who “I WANT TO BE” which is someone who is happy and confident with herself and wants to have a career and be able to fully support my child without help of others than I feel that piece of my life will not flourish. So what I have decided is to start thinking of myself and to stop distracting myself with small petty things that are not important right now. I need to learn how to be alone to live in silence. So I have decided to have a funeral for my past. Not that my whole past was all bad but I want to bury it and move on with the present and my future. I have many goals I want to achieve. The first step is eating healthy. I went recently to a plastic surgeon and had a consultation with him of things that I am not happy with when it comes to the physical. He inspired put a fire under my ass to get to the goals that I want to achieve when it comes to physical appearance. Yes it is vanity that I suffer from just like many others. I look back to the process of where I begin and realize I have come a long way. So in 2009 I was weighing 315 pounds that is my heaviest that I have been ever in my life. I recently started to get back on the ball of losing more weight; the great part about it is that I am doing this for me to be healthy and happy within myself. People usually do it for the wrong reasons. THIS IS ALL FOR ME! So since 7/11/2012 I have lost 7 pounds. So in total since 2009 from 315 to now 230 pounds I have lost a total of 85 pounds. I have a goal by January when I see Doctor Baker once again I will have lost 50 pounds. I as well promised him that I will be a non smoker. Now that part has been the hard part. But I have a date of when I want to stop. I thought cutting cold turkey would be the best but it was not. So I herby announce by August 30, 2012 on my 31^st birthday as a gift to myself to stop, with the patches and whatever I am going to need for that goal. So I am feeling slightly liberated on what I have decided to do. It has not been easy so far it’s like any addict trying to quit there drugs, I am like that when it comes to my addictions, attention from men, food and smoking, it’s hard to cut out all these old habits I have been going through my form of detoxify. It’s funny it makes you think more when you are not trying to distract yourself with all these things. It makes you a little depressed. But now I have to find new healthier routines to distract or expand the mind.  

So good bye past it was great having you, you will be missed and I will treasure every moment that I had. I will still look back and remember the good and the bad. But I will not return to my old ways.

I am a beautiful woman who is intelligent who needs to get out, you have kept me there for too long and what I have learned if it doesn’t work one way than change to a new life style. Which that is what I am about to embark on.

Sincerely, C

"The Neighbor"

                                                                                                                                                    

   Listening to: My Morning Jacket

           June 26, 2012

Well it’s been a while since I have posted up a blog; I’m the type of person that needs to be inspired by things in my life. Since the last that you have heard from me I was talking to the Mexican that ended before anything began he just stopped texting and calling me. I don’t think I did anything wrong, the only two things that I have thought could have been that he found someone else or he found someone that would give it up quicker (sex). Oh well you win some and lose some. Like Jay Z says on to the next one. 

After the Mexican actually during that time I was speaking to a Cuban, that lasted about five seconds, and then there was a Puerto Rican, and another Cuban. The other Cuban did not stick either he was too persistent on having me go to his house. The Puerto Rican on the other hand stuck!!! But stuck in a very different way that I never expected. 

I messaged him asking him if he wanted to talk and get to know one another. He messaged me back with his number. He did not waste time. We spoke that night till about 3 am. we found out we both had the same taste in   music, we both have sons, and we are both in our thirties, and we live about a block away. We will call him “THE NEIGHBOR”. The one thing that I enjoyed off the bat was our conversations, he was extremely easy to speak to, very intelligent, he uses some words that I’m dumb founded that are coming out of him, and he speaks very eloquently. Sometimes I have to go home and Google some of the words that he has said to me because of the fact that I don’t remember the definition of it. Like the word.  

 Wikipedia defines,   Mensch (Yiddish: מענטש mentsh, from German: Mensch "human being") means "a person of integrity and honor."^[1] The opposite of a "mensch" is an "unmensch" (meaning: an utterly unlikeable or unfriendly person). According to Leo Rosten, the Yiddish maven and author of The Joys of Yiddish, "mensch" is "someone to

admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being 'a real mensch' is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous."^[2] The term is used as a high compliment, expressing the rarity and value of that individual's qualities.

The following day I told him I wanted to meet him. So we set up a time, and we met half way and went for a walk. At first I was a little bit nervous. Whenever you meet someone for the first time you start to think what if he is boring what if he is weird or something how do you end this time without being rude. I personally don’t like that if someone did that to me, I was taught manners.

So we met and I thought he was cute, at first it was little small talk but then I at least got comfortable enough to talk to him about other things. I believe we met at 7:30pm by the time I got back to my house, it was 11pm. So you can imagine we talked about a lot. 

After the first meeting we hung out a few days after that, On a spur of the moment and of boredom and not being able to sleep I asked if he wanted to go for a drive it was about 11:30 pm, I had picked him up from his house because he was drinking that night because the heat was playing so he was watching the game with some friends. So we decided to go to Key Biscayne and we just parked, listening to music and talking, about everything and anything.

One thing that we touched upon was the fact that he does not want a relationship. He does not think he wants a relationship at all maybe ever. That intrigued the shit out of me. I started questioning and my analytical side started coming out more and more the more he kept saying no!!!!

So it’s been 3 weeks of an interesting friendship, he talks about him and I ask him lots of questions, which I do believe he enjoys.  A lot of people I think enjoy speaking of them. Let’s just say he is not shy, and he is 100% honest about everything. He is one guy that you can call him and ask him about anything and he won’t give you the bull shit answer that most people do, to not hurt your feelings. One thing he mentions to me is to not get feelings for him, he can see right through me of the fact that I am a hopeless romantic and that I am on a search for Love. I of course tell him that if I felt any different towards him I would tell him. Now don’t think that all conversations are all about him, we talk about me. I have noticed I am a bit more resistant on speaking to him about certain things with him at least thus far, I will eventually tell him more and open up more. But right now I enjoy the dynamic and what we have, which is a nice friendship. One thing that I enjoy hearing him speak of, is his son and his relationship. It’s a different way of speaking of your child. But it is cute and funny and how much he tries to be his son’s best friend and it makes me smile when I hear the stories. He doesn’t think he is kind he thinks that he is mean. What I have noticed at least when I am with him is that he is thoughtful he does listen very well and you think he doesn’t. He has ADD and with that you think they are doing or thinking something else but really he is not he is listening and listening very well. On that part he reminds me of my son because Jon has ADHD and I sometimes think the same of him, but they do retain lots of things especially when you think they are not. I do feel a slight sadness coming from him, I do tell him this; he says he is not sad. But for some reason I can’t stop thinking that there is something he is not telling me. We will see I guess.

 All I know is that I appreciate his kindness and his friendship because he is honest and communicates his feelings well, he pushes me to do better and encourages me to do the things that I want to do.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely, C  

You've got the love....

 

May 31, 2012

Miami, Florida

<3= 1 month and 4 days

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is headed at the moment.

 So far everything is calm and great and I am enjoying the slow pace that it is going. I thought I would want it to go faster but it only means that my son will be getting older and having to deal with the new things a boy brings in your life.

 I have searched for so long for this love that I have not found yet in a partner. What bothers me in my own mind is that I have had this amazing love right underneath my nose for the past seven years of my life. It has been a relationship that has been with an unconditional love and it will continue to be that way for the rest of my life. This person has loved me no matter what, no matter how I looked, or how I treated them and vice versa. He can make me laugh, and smile, and as well make me angry and sad. I love him and would do anything for him. My relationship with my son has never been of the normal mother and son relationship. Call it what you want, understand me or not I don’t care. I just know we all go through our things as parents and we will never agree on what other parents will do with their children.

 They say the connection with your child starts at birth. I am not saying I never had a connection with him, I do and always have, and it is just different. When I saw a documentary on child birth, I had seen a part where they speak of holding your baby after giving birth to them. That the hormone that you both have at that moment creates this bond between mother and child. Whether it is true or not I can see some truth to that. After Jon was born I was a proud mother of this little baby wanting to hold him all the time, I wanted him to be as close to me as possible. As he grew older and he started changing as every child does I tried to adapt to this change. We had both moved in with his father when he was 1 and he got closer and connected more to his father, and I felt more and sadder that he didn’t love me the same, he didn’t want me. (That is what I thought) he grew closer and closer to his father. I started getting depressed now my depression was not just because of him; it was many factors that were going on in my life at the time. It was my relationship with my son’s father it was the relationship with me as well. I didn’t know what I wanted in life I had lost myself completely and wanted more than just being a house wife. I didn’t know who I was any more. I needed to find that.

 See I got pregnant at 23 and I have always felt that in your twenties you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. I didn’t get that, I was raising a child and my world revolved around him and his father. Now don’t think I resent Jon for this because I do not, I wouldn’t change my life at all. Because I wouldn’t have this amazing gift in my life. 

The depression kept getting worse and worse to the point that I would not get off the couch I would not want to do anything I would eat my life away. This part is hard to admit but I wouldn’t want to take showers or get dressed, brush my teeth, nothing. I would just pull my hair back put the first comfortable thing I can find and leave the house if I had to do anything. I was not fully emotionally there for Jon. Till this day I feel a lot of pain and sadness to admit that and to see some of the tiny little things that I have done to him. Children are like sponges and I like to say as well like parrots, I feel like some of my traits at the time have been seen by him and it shows by his emotional behavior. I do believe that it has to do with me and his father arguing all the time in his presence. Now don’t think that the relationship between his father and I was in any form abusive or extremely bad. It was just loud and upsetting he had a short fuse and he would get upset and then it just would make me react and I would get loud as well. He would witness those things, especially me crying all the time. It is not healthy for a child to see that. I realized more for both of us that the relationship between his father and I was not working at all.

 Love does not fix things. 

We both loved one another, but it was not enough to make the relationship work. I had to go and break free from something that I felt that had held me down. It was not healthy for any of us. 

It has taken me a while to realize a lot of things in my life about me, I have learned who I am and the kind of woman I want to be, the kind of mother I want to be for Jon and the kind of relationship that I want us to have. I have learned at the end of the day that he will have this special relationship with his father, and especially with my mother, but I know that he will always love me. I will always have mother’s guilt just like many other mothers have. All I want is for him to be happy in life to grow up with his heart filled with love and always know that I love him with all my heart and soul and that I would do anything for him.

For those of you that don’t know Jon, let me describe him just a bit to you. He is tall for his age, extremely funny and quirky; he is a bit too sociable sometimes it scares me that he talks to just about anyone. He is to innocent and naïve for his age I believe. He looks like his father but has his mother’s personality, he is loud and crazy, loves to sing and swim he is so caring of others and very sensitive especially sensitive to others feelings. He loves animals but not real animals; he has a crazy ass imagination. And can memorize things very easily. 

He is my heart and soul. One reason why I gave him the name I did was because of the meaning behind it which meant gift from God…. He truly is that.

Parenting is not the easiest job in life but it is the most rewarding. There is no handbook on raising children you just have to try your hardest in trying to do the right things for them.

Sincerely, C

Slow......

May 30, 2012

Miami, Florida

<3= 1 month and 3 days

 

In my life when it has come down to relationships, I had a tendency of going too fast. Except for my first boyfriend.  I wanted to go slow, because I didn’t know what to expect. After my first relationship and giving him my all to my first love, I had lost my virginity to him and that was serious especially at the time. 

When I was younger I had different views and values then I do now. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl I was once before, because in some way I was much stronger than I am now. Maybe because I know how things are now. After my first heart ache of my life, I still continued to search for Love, call me a hopeless romantic. But every time I have met someone knew I wanted their attention there approval of me. I had always been an insecure person. Again I think everyone is insecure in some form. 

I can analyze myself and tell you why I was insecure, and why I have been searching for this fairy tale Love. Which now at the age of thirty I honestly don’t believe in the fairy tale. But I do believe in love. Is it because I grew up in such a large family and I seek out attention from others. It has not been the easiest thing to grow up in such a large family of 7 siblings where you are the second to last and your father has gotten to the point that he is much older that he is getting a little tired to do what he did with the others.

Don’t think I am blaming anyone for me being the way that I am now. I am just telling you my opinion on how I became the woman that I am today, which is a very sensitive, intuitive, smart, funny, kind and caring woman. I wouldn’t change my child hood at all. Neither would I change my family. Because they are the people that have molded me into whom I am today. But we do have to look at the reality of things and see where this all began.

My father is and has always been an amazing man to me; I see it now as an adult because now I understand him much more than ever. We all have had those moments in our lives that we just could not understand our parents and we were so angry we would say mean things to them because we didn’t get the things that we wanted. I think in some form I grew up feeling the way I did is because my father was not very emotional not one to express feelings or hug, and for a person that is just an extremist hugger and affectionate person I guess I craved it from my father and it can mean many reasons why I search for that male attention in almost any man. I think when we lack things in our lives we tend to go seek from other places, hence me searching for a man. I think that is why people cheat too. Because whatever they lack at home they go out and get it from the first person they get attention from. I am not saying I agree on it I’m just saying that is how I see it.

 I now have realized these things on this journey of mine and just writing this blog alone.

I don’t want just any man; I want a man that has qualities like my father, which would be sociable, hardworking, peace maker, funny, smart, and charming. 

Now getting to know the Mexican, I have realized that I rush into many things in my life, especially when it comes to men. With him it is different, he is a very busy person because he has his own business, but he still tries to keep in contact with me as much as he can, at first I thought it was lack of interest, but I have realized that is not it at all. I think slowly is better for me. And not expecting too much from a person because when you do you tend to get disappointed by the person because you had all these thoughts in your head of what you thought they would do. 

If it doesn’t work out between the Mexican and me then it’s not meant to be. The only thing that I can do is just be myself and have him accept me for who I am. I am just going to enjoy the time that I spend with him and be myself and have fun!!!

So I think slowly is good for me. 

Sincerely, C