Failure

Miami, Florida 

Listening to: Paramore

Song: Last Hope 

Have you ever felt like you are a failure?

I think this is only human nature to feel like that in life. It’s what you do with that feeling, do you sulk in it? Do you let it stay there in your mind and start believing your own inner dialogue with yourself? Most of the negative inner dialogue that you have with yourself, the words, and the things that you feel is to be true about your self is actually not. Most of those thoughts are from your past or from what people have told you on and on again, because at the end of the day that is there perception of you.

Even our own families, the people who know you the most, will be the number one group of people that will put you down. Why? Well for many reasons, but again every family is different. Let’s just say big or small the family that you have, there are many different personalities that may not agree with you or like things that you do. Yes they love you, and only want the best for you. Always remember that this is your journey, not there’s so whatever it is that you want to do in life whether it is to go to school, or not go to school, don’t let the negative reactions from others affect your life and plan, because what happens when all is said and done. Your family is gone, friends have moved on. What do you have left? Yourself, this is your life, your journey, don’t let others opinion on your life dictates what you should or should not do.

I can honestly say that yes I have failed at many things that I have tried to accomplish, because it was too hard, or I didn’t like it anymore.  I sulked at all the failures that I have racked up in my life, but now as an adult I can easily talk about my experiences of the many failures and have learned from it, now having had that happen, the choices that I have made and letting others around me influence my ability on thinking I’m not good enough, that maybe this isn’t for me because people are telling me that maybe I should do something that might take less time, or easier.

Why is it that when you have something that you really feel passionate about and you think you would be great at it, and then when you announce out loud, and say hey guess what I’m going to study psychology or be a nurse or whatever the case may be, most of the time the response in return is a negative comment, like are you sure that is what you want to do? Maybe you should think about that a little bit more, because that is many years of school. Instead of what you want to hear, or expect a common response to be is Oh My Goodness that is amazing, congratulations, you get negative. Of course when you finally get the congratulations it doesn’t really feel great because now your mind is just brewing with all the negative comments that people have told you and you are now second guessing yourself.

You have to have a strong sense of self; it’s not easy when all you have heard in your life is purely negative. You feel like you can never be good enough for anyone, you can never be the right kind of person that they want you to be.  You need to find that support in your life, people that will push you and validate you and make you see that you are going to finish what you have started out, and they will congratulate you when all is done, these are the same people that will not judge you if you choose not to continue whatever path you have chosen for yourself, that is a true support system. I can honestly tell you that I have that in life, some family and some friends. One friend in particular whom I say I’ve watched grow literally since I was a child. She had set her mind to becoming a doctor from probably the age of 15, she is now 32, and is doing her residency. She has overcome so much, all the negativity that people have probably told her, having to leave her family for months on end to travel for school. Now one thing I can say is that yes I admire someone that says they will do something and they actually finish it. I admire her a little bit extra because she had a child at a young age, worked and went to school. Why was she able to do this, well because she had her support system, she would confide with me that she felt depressed at times; felt alone that this was her life. she would tell me that she had no life, she was studying and going to school, she didn’t have her family around her, she had to sacrifice so much, when she would feel low she would dig deep down inside and push herself to keep on going, it is so easy to give up and not finish, but it is so much sweeter once you have accomplished what you set yourself out to do. Eventually you will be able to say, yes I am a Doctor, or yes I am a nurse, or whatever it is that you want in life. You just have to dig very deep inside your heart to find that again, erase those negative thoughts, move on from your past, don’t hold on to what people think you are, that is just them holding on to the past as well and not being able to see the you that you are now. If you want them to change their mind about you, then you got to show them that there is change.  So don’t let the fear of failure even creep into your mind, keep looking forward, to the prize at the end. Don’t look back anymore.

Love always

Catalina

Following your INTUITION......

Miami, Florida

Listening to: AMY WINEHOUSE

Have you ever met someone and just had a weird feeling about them but you just couldn’t pin point at the time what it was? Or have you ever done something but new deep down inside something is telling you it was so wrong? That is your intuition that gut instinct where you just feel something in the pit of your stomach that this is no good for you, or something bad might happen, or maybe even that this person is nice, kind, and caring, you can trust them.

I don’t know if it is with age that you end up discovering your intuition, or is it just being more aware of your body and what it is telling you at the time.

I have always been very different, an emotional person, very in tune with the way that I feel, especially very expressive. I believe in my last relationship is when I really truly discovered my intuition.

For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, read the definition that Google has provided me with.

in·tu·i·tionˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

noun

1.    the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

"we shall allow our intuition to guide us"

synonyms:

instinct, intuitiveness; More

o    a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

plural noun: intuitions

"your insights and intuitions as a native speaker are positively sought"

synonyms:

hunch, feeling (in one's bones), inkling, (sneaking) suspicion, idea,sense, notion; More

I have been in recent situations lately in my life, where I have not followed my intuition, because maybe something else is blinding you and you may ignore that feeling. About two months ago I had met a man that I felt at first was just someone I was getting to know, and basically see where that would go. We had finally met in person, and when we met, I felt nothing but positive feelings; nothing was telling me this person is bad, like all the other times that I have met people.

I believe I might have mentioned him in one of my recent blogs in the past, he was the one that was not interested in me in that way, we did become friends; our friendship later on grew into a bit more. The problem was I eventually started having more feelings towards him; I was honest with him and expressed the way that I had felt towards him. He did not reciprocate the same feeling. It hurt, of course, and like most people who sometimes find themselves to be lonely they tend to stick to something that is not what they truly want, but they settle for what they are getting at that moment. That is what I did, I settled, I thought I can control this, I can control my feelings for him, I’ll talk to other people, I distracted myself, it worked for the most part, but then when I felt rejected by him which I felt that it was often when I would get rejected, I would unravel, this is when the crazy comes out.

I questioned him often, because even though his mouth was saying one thing, his actions were saying something different at least that is how I interpreted it. Once I had mentioned to him, that he is the one that contacts me and it was almost every day, and that I wondered that if he was beginning to feel things for me. He just gave me his excuse of why he was texting me. Once I said that he had started texting less. I felt like the reason why he wasn’t interested in me didn’t make sense, yes I know you guys probably think I can’t take rejection well, but I don’t think that is what it was, for me I felt like it wasn’t real. He gave me many reasons why he wouldn’t date someone like me.  He has done it in the past, dated a heavy girl and he lost his attraction towards her. I could tell him my reason why he lost interest in her. I have my belief my instinct of the more emotional reason why it ended. Then I had brought up a more logical situation for him, what if you find that girl and she gets pregnant gains all this weight, than what? Will you dump her because she is fat?

To me I believe all of this issue is more, it is a deep rooted issue, let’s just say he has not really discovered yet. Maybe he never will, but I do believe in my hearts of hearts the whole issue is more about insecurities about him. Look I can relate in so many ways when it comes to insecurities, I have dealt with it my whole life, it is like that saying goes you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.  I personally believe if you have some attraction towards a person, and you have gotten to know more of them, and liked them for who they are inside then you would probably be more attracted to them later on as well. I am not an ugly woman, I am beautiful, smart, funny, extremely caring, and supportive, the problem for many men is my weight, granted yes men are very visual human beings, but I’m sorry if you can be intimate with a person that you say that you have no attraction towards them then how can you even perform? Why do you keep going back for 2 months of a “friendship” I truly think and feel in my gut that there was more to it, but he didn’t want that, not with me, because he probably felt that people would probably judge him for being with someone like me!

I believe men have an idea of what kind of woman they would want in their life, I know not all of them expect the girl to be 100% perfect, but that is bad to have that, that is having crazy ass expectations for something that might not even exist. I know this very well because I had to deal with this same situation with my ex boyfriend, who has agreed that I am extremely intuitive.

He as well very insecure man, same thing he had this idea of what kind of woman he wanted in his life, I of course didn’t fit in that picture, the problem of never being satisfied in something, says a lot about a person, says a lot about them as well. 

I finally had to end something with someone that I truly cared for; people always asked me, what is it that you liked about him, what is it that he brought to the table? Honestly! The communication that we had with one another was amazing, we never argued we would have more discussions, we could talk about anything, and we had a lot of things in common, we were always there for one another when one or the other was in distress, the fact that we could make each other laugh, that is what made me find that beauty in him, I knew he wasn’t perfect he was far from perfect, there were many things that I didn’t like about him, I disliked the fact that he would think too far in the future, especially with something that you can’t really plan. I get it if it is something like school, and future goals that you want to accomplish, but when it comes to the matters of the heart you can’t truly plan things like that, because really, you don’t know who you will eventually fall in love with, it could be a person you never expected to be with in your life. In a way it is almost creating a fantasy world in your mind. Yes you can have a list of characteristic of what you look for in a person, someone that is funny, smart, independent, and respectful; those are things that are more of a realistic nature to have in your mind.

Let’s just say I have learned a lot from this situation, my intuition even though I may feel this and maybe I will never know if I was right about it, I stick with it. Never settle for something that is not fulfilling all of you. That just speaks volumes about how you feel about yourself. 

Thank you for reading.

Catalina