I normally write blogs about guys and dating, and the
struggles that I go through. I want to change it up to something that is close
to my heart.
I have realized with some time alone and not going out so
much. I have realized that I miss spending time with my sisters. One lives here in Miami and the other one
lives in Michigan. I haven’t always been close to them; I do have one that I can
relate to a little more than the other.
They are both older than me. One is 20 years older than me,
and the other one is about 8 years older than me.
I feel like as you get older you appreciate so much more
time with family, more than anything else. My oldest sister the one that lives
here and that is 20 years older than me, I feel like we may see eye to eye with
more things, i.e. beliefs, religion, politics and in life. The other one who is
in Michigan we probably don’t agree with so much of those things, her beliefs
are very different than mine. One thing I have realized with age is that it doesn’t
matter what she believes in, we won’t agree with everything in life and
especially not with everyone, as long as there is love, communication and
support and as well acceptance that is all that matters
.
My Michigan sister probably doesn’t even know how much I admire
her, I always talk about her to everyone I meet. She is very inspiring with all
her accomplishments that she has done in her life, and now she expecting her
second child and to be able to witness this special moment with her is so
amazing.
You don’t have to
always agree with your family and sometimes you may not even like them, you may
argue, and fight until you are blue in the face, but you have to look at their
life and see what they have accomplished and be proud of the things that they
have done.
My Michigan sister and I are complete opposites in so many
ways, I am more emotional she is not, I am dramatic, she is not so much, I am
more outspoken and communicate and express my feelings, she doesn’t, but she
shows you that she loves you in so many other ways. My Michigan sister is
smart, creative and beautiful, and makes the cutest babies too. Hahaha. She is
an amazing writer, singer, artist, and extremely motivated and inspiring for
others, she is dedicated to her faith in God. She is an incredible mother,
wife, daughter and sister. I am so proud to say I have such an amazingly
beautiful and kind sister, who yes can be a pain in the butt to me sometimes,
but so can I to her. We love each other in so many ways.
My Miami sister, even though we are so far apart in age, she
has a young soul, we click in such a different way. We can talk for hours about
so many things. She is the oldest
sibling in the family, but to be honest just the way she carries herself, you
would never think she was the oldest. She is extremely wise and smart as well,
such an amazing mother, wife, daughter and sister. I also look up to her; she
always tries to see the positive and the beauty in others. I believe that
pretty much most of my family is like that, I feel like that is the way we were
all raised to be kind and caring.
Miami sister has been
married I think around 34 years and let me tell you, I look up to that
relationship, they have seen it all, being broke, having some money, moving,
raising their children, loss, love, but they have worked through everything
that has come their way. My sister is funny, creative, beautiful, and smart,
loves babies, and has a heart of gold. I admire her strength and courage with
everything that she has done in her life, she as well has made some cute kids,
which now they are adults, who are so kind and smart she raised them right.
The older I am the more I see who my family is and how much I
love them. I can hold on to all the old mean things they said and did to me, I keep
carrying that with me, for what though? What is the point?
This is my only family that God has blessed me with and I am
so truly honored and feel like the luckiest girl to have been given this
amazingly beautiful family.
I love my sisters so much, and I am going to start making
more of an effort to spend time with them. That is not just with the sisters
that are with my whole family.
Spend time with your loved one’s even if you may not relate to
them in some ways or in many, they are your only family, and take something
that you admire of them and be proud of the family you came from, no matter
what.
People come into your life for a reason, I know I have said
that many times before in past blogs, but it is so true. I recently read a
quote that stuck with me and made me really think.
“You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are”.
Someone recently came into my life; about a month ago I met
a man. His name is Charlie, (not his real name). The similarities of our lives
were rather weird. It was like he was the male version of me, just a bit older,
and with these crystal blue eyes. Charlie was very funny, smart, caring, and a
great listener.
There was a difference in Charlie; he has not been like all
the other men that I have met in my life.
Charlie became someone that I cared for, confided with and
he cared for me.
I had decided this
evening that I will not be speaking to Charlie for a while. He had unintentionally
brought out a side of me that I personally did not like, he was never cruel to me
if that is what you are thinking; on the contrary he was always there when I needed
to talk. Problem was I had started to have feelings for him, that is where the
complications started happening, Charlie didn’t see me that way, he didn’t like
me in the romantic way, and that hurt me. I as a stubborn woman that I am, does
not take no for an answer.
I had come to the realization that I was doing this again,
the same thing that I did with the footballer that I had met last year. Difference
was the footballer was cruel but he was intentionally cruel, Charlie on the
other hand would listen and talk to me and try to make me feel better and would
not get off the phone until I felt better.
Charlie was extremely open and honest with me he would share
such personal stories with me, things that he hasn’t told anyone. I as well
would share with him.
My relationship with Charlie got complicated and we were
both responsible for causing that.
I would vent to lots of friends about this situation, that I
had found myself in again. What I am learning so far, is to not speak of my
issues with everyone, because all it does it fucks you up mentally and
emotionally. I say this because of the fact that everyone has their own
opinion, and really at the end of it they don’t know Charlie the way that I do.
I would find myself to be defending this person to my friends, only because
most of their views are negative of all men. I have realized that from now on I will not be
going to certain people with my problems. Especially when most of the times I just
need to vent, friends are not suppose to hurt you, and tell you to prove things
to them. Friends are not supposed to take light of something that I have
obviously been struggling with for a while now, and they all know what my
issues are. People think that tough love works on me, it doesn’t it only pushes
me further away. I love when they tell me that they are just being honest, and
they say the truth hurts but that is what friends are for to tell you the
truth. One thing that I have to say about that, I know what my flaws are, I don’t
need to have someone lecture or tell me
that I have these problems when I already know what my problems are.
I am well aware what I do with my life, the pain that I can
cause myself by putting myself in
certain situations, but at the end of the day my friends should be there to
support me in whatever decision I make in life. I am the one that will learn
the ultimate lesson. I have learned
something, I learned that Charlie will be a forever friend, I only have one
other forever friend, so Charlie if you are reading this, you better feel
fucking special. (I know you are smiling right about now).
I want to change the thoughts that I have of myself in my
head, I have been dealing with these thought for a very long time. The only way to fix them is to continue
working on me. I can honestly say that I have changed so much , I have lost a
tremendous amount of weight all by myself, I have moved out of my parents house
and now have my own place with my son, I have a great job, I have my health and
a happy little boy. I have grown leaps and bounds, and you know what I don’t need
anyone to be proud of me, because guess what, I am proud of myself that I did
this and I am continuing to do this. It does not take a night to overcome all
your issues, as long as you continue working on them, realize them as well and
just keep on moving.
So to my dear Charlie, my birdie, my frog bird, my dear
sweet friend, we have a bond and a connection that no one can break, and even
though we have only known each other just a short amount of time I feel like I’ve
known you for much longer. I know this might sound repetitive to you, because I
already told you this through text. Know that I am here no matter what. Even though
we are taking this moment to ourselves, we will be back to being friends very
soon. I don’t give up that easy, and I truly want to be the one to witness you
become a Dr. I want to be there, so I can call you Dr. CerranoJ. Don’t let the
negative bring you down. I know it is hard sometimes, but you have done so much
with your life and you should truly be so proud of yourself for all your
accomplishments.
I have had a very tumultuous relationship when it came to
food.
Food has always been there, it has never neglected me, has
never answered back or told me I’m wrong, it has never left me alone.
My relationship with
food started off when I was quite young, I as a child was made fun of in
elementary school and was constantly told that I was fat. The teasing continued
throughout my life, I always grew up thinking if you are called FAT, then you
are ugly you are not worth anything, so you can only imagine how my self esteem
became, I would run to food when things went bad, when I was happy food was
there. I didn’t know how to deal with things in life like a “normal human being”
I found myself having an addiction. I remember when I was older and I was
already making money and had my own car, I was able to do what I wanted, go eat
where ever I wanted, there were times I would go to Mc Donald’s to get a #1 let’s
say, then maybe go to burger king and get something from there, and then run to
Walgreens or somewhere to go buy a pint of ice cream.
What I was doing was avoiding things, I was trying to numb
the pain that was going on in my life, whether it be about a guy, or family
issues, I would cope by bingeing. Instead of feeling angry towards someone and
crying because they made fun of me, I would drown myself in food, I would go
into a food coma, where you can’t breathe and you wear the loosest pants you
can find, and you feel like you are about to explode because you ate so much. That
is what I would do. Food has come and gone when it comes to that tumultuous relationship,
I have chosen to take control over this relationship that I have with it, I eat
to live, and I do not live to eat anymore.
How did I get to this point, well just like any other
addiction you may fall off the wagon. In 2009 I had made a choice in my life, I
didn’t want to be that 315 pound woman who everyone looked at and stared and couldn’t
get on rollercoaster rides, or sit in a regular size booth. I wanted to feel
normal, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be able to run around and dance,
without things hurting me like my knees. The main thing that I had truly wanted
was to feel, I wanted to feel things see things in a different way. As I had
started the process I had used the anger that I had chosen not to feel, and
used it for my workouts. I chose to stop eating unhealthy, I chose to be
active, and I wanted to be happy!!!
So I had dropped about I believe almost 80 to 90 pounds, and
I see myself now and see that I have fluctuated in weight, but I had gained
back some weight. I had fallen off the wagon. It’s ok too, it will happen, as
long as you are well aware that it happened, and do not sulk that you fucked up
and you are worthless. Trust me the self pity shit will quickly kick in,
especially when maybe you are confronted with a recent bad picture of yourself,
or maybe someone makes a comment about your weight.
I have realized recently after having a string of very bad
dates, and a few interesting encounters with people, where there words hurt me
to such an extreme, that I started that self pity bullshit all over again, then
the anger came in. Let me give you an example of what recently happened to me.
So for those of you who all read my blog, know that I do the
online dating thing, sometimes I’m on it, and then there are times I get so
tired and frustrated I take myself off of it. I started chatting with a guy; we
will call him the Turkish guy, because he was from turkey. He had seen my
pictures we chatted and then moved on to phone conversations, we set to meet on
a Saturday in coconut grove. That day when we met, we had gone to go eat tacos,
as we sit there, I don’t know why I normally go into these dates like I’m
meeting an old friend, but I had a question that I had wanted to ask him. I had
asked him if I looked like my pictures. Yes I know a lot of people say, Oh no
you shouldn’t say those things, he is going to think you are insecure, no you shouldn’t
care. Well I tend to do things differently than most people when dating; I do not
follow these so called “dating rules that everyone seems to follow” I do what I
feel, and I say what I feel, I’m honest and I am ME!!!.
I never really expected the answer that I got, he had
responded by saying that I am much larger than my pictures. Then he went on to
say, that I have such a beautiful face, that if I lost weight than I would be
way out of his league, that I would be able to get a boyfriend and I would be super
hot. I was honestly flabbergasted by his response. You always say to yourself
that you will tell people off when they say something mean to you, but
truthfully when you are in that situation and you hear these things, you are
actually so stunned that you don’t know what to say. I’ve been in many of those
situations in my life, sometimes I say things and sometimes I do not. Let’s just
say I left there having his words fester my mind like some really shitty
disease that no medication could get rid of.
I met another guy as well, he never really said anything
cruel like that, but did say that if I had lost weight, things would be easier for
me. Really!!!!! How so? So when you are skinnier everything is much better. Let’s
get this straight I don’t want to lose weight to be skinny, I want to lose
weight to be healthy, I want to lose weight the right way, and I want to fix
the dysfunctional state of mind that I think of myself.
Then I met the last guy, about a month ago I had met this
sweet, kind guy, so different from what I met before, but like for real. Very in
tune with his emotions, kind and caring and is there for you when you need him.
We talked for about a week before we met, the crazy part was that we had so
much but I mean so much in common. We finally meet up for a cup of coffee, he
talked and talked about his job, I sat there listening. As I was listening to
his hilarious stories, I started wondering does he like me? Does he think I’m
cute? I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he will kiss me? I would totally
kiss him.
Finally at the end of the date he walks me to my car, gives
me a hug and says it was nice meeting me and that we will do this again. I get home still wondering what he thought of
me, but didn’t know how to figure that part out, he text me as he got home and
told me once again he had a great time, and that I am a cool person and really
funny, I couldn’t hold it in, I had to find out. I sent him a text back saying,
I had a great time that he was a nice guy and thanks again…… then I sent him
the next text,
Hey listen I know this is forward of me, but I can’t get a
vibe off of you, and I was wondering if you had found me attractive, he respond
by saying wow straight to the point, then continues by saying I don’t want you
to think I’m a dick or anything, because I do like you as a person but no I don
t find you physically attractive. I got upset but not towards him, I was just
upset, I thought again why me, the self pity started rolling in like a fucking
tidal wave in my head and it made me so sad, I had cried myself to sleep that
night, before I had gone to bed he had profusely apologized for hurting my
feelings and I had told him that there was no need to apologize, I had asked
for the truth and I got it. Of course it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. You
can’t get everything you want. We had continued talking, from time to time,
finally I had invited him over to my place to chat, he was having a bad day at
work and I said that he was more than welcome to come and vent and just hang
out. We had such a long conversation that lasted several hours we talked about
everything. Finally the thought came crashing in my head again, why doesn’t he
like me?
So I asked him, what is it exactly that you don’t like about
me? I of course already had an idea of
what it was, he told me he didn’t know what specifically it was per say. So I went
into more detail of a question. I said do you think that if I had lost weight
you would find me attractive, he said I don’t know maybe if it were like 60 to
80 pounds. That was a stab in the heart, the Turkish guys comments came rushing
in again, saying to me “if you lose weight then you can get a boyfriend”. My self esteem had a new low, it was not easy
to deal, but in some way, I needed all of these situations to happen, because I
look at every single time this stuff happened I never once ran to food. I could
of but I didn’t, I decided to feel the pain instead, let it sit there for the
while that it was there, let myself cry and deal with the rejection in a “normal
and healthy way”.
I still have so much more to learn about myself, I have so
much more to grow, and I realize that everything happens for a reason.
Go with this piece of advice if you don’t take anything out
of this. Feel things that are happening, don’t be afraid to show emotion, don’t
be afraid to cry. You need to release those tears, it is not good to keep It
all built up inside, because if you do all you will have is this tremendous
amount of self pity and a belly full of food that you will regret the next day.
