GETTING BACK ON THE BIKE.......

Jan 22, 2013                            

MIAMI, FL

LISTENING TO: THE LUMINEERS

People have told me time and time again that I need to stop looking for love. 

 I continue on my search for finding this meaningful thing.

 I am at the moment talking to someone.

Dating has not been a very easy process for me. It has been painful in many ways because of the fact that I have realized that I am still broken, I think the only time I will realize that I am better is when someone can show me what I am really looking for.

 Which is honesty and someone I can trust.

I have a lot of pain in my heart when it comes to men, but the thing is I know that not all men are the same. There are people that are different and not going to do that same thing to me. I use to be so open with every guy that I met I use to say everything that I thought in my head or what I felt…

 That was not good.

I don’t know where this is going, and where it is headed. But what I do know is that I am enjoying the time that I spend with him.

 Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I have those doubts, and question everything that he says, and wonder if he is telling me the truth. Do I believe him?… to an extent, I don’t think you should trust fully at least not so soon, do I express and show him my insecurities and tell him when I doubt him… NO!!! Because that is just reverting back to my old ways.

 Questioning him about everything would make someone go crazy, like the way I make myself go crazy sometimes.

 What I do know is this, I have dated many guys in the past 2 years I would of called myself a serial dater let’s say. What I learned about myself is, yes I am insecure and so is everyone else, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions are out there for everyone to see, I am kind and caring, I am a sexual being but will not have sex with just anyone, I have my limits and boundaries and there are many people who don’t have respect for that. I am proud of the woman I am today I have accomplished so much and I am happy being who I am, and anyone would be lucky to be with someone like me, they will know love when they Love me because I will show them that.

 I will not betray or destroy trust like it was done to me.

 I am not bitter or angry from my past but I am scarred from it and anyone who takes me and wants me, has to really truly show me that they want me for me. Many men have had their opinion about me, and have analyzed me and told me what they thought, which was I’m crazy, insecure, analytical, outspoken, and they thought I wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

Who is ever ready for anything?

Yes sometimes you can plan things out and prepare yourself for the “event” but really you are not fully ready because nothing comes to you as planned.

I am open; my heart is open for this. I know that and I will only give my heart  fully to someone that is willing to hold it ever so gently in their hands and give it enough love to heal the scars. I have healed some of the scars.

 I kinda feel like a kid when you fall off a bike and you scrape your knee, you are scared you don’t want to ride that bike again because you feel like you will get hurt again. That is exactly what I feel. I am so scared of that pain of scraping my knee that I don’t know if I can get back on the bike.

SO far I’m on the bike and I’m riding it, but I have so much anxiety thinking that I am going to fall off of it again and hurt myself.

Whatever happens to me in my life is for a reason, and so far everything has happened according to someone’s plan.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, and i surely do not know what will happen with my California boy. But what I do know is I am learning something every day, and he came into my life for a reason, and we will have to wait and see for what exactly. Hope fully it is not another lesson.  And hopefully I don’t fall off the bike. I really would like to stay on this bike and continue riding it for as long as I can.