FALLING OFF THE BIKE.....

MIAMI, FL

LISTENING TO: LYKEE LI

Today I was awoken a bit abruptly by a fist to my back, it wasn’t a punch it was more of a nudge, either way it wasn’t the most pleasant thing to be awoken to after the night you spent with that person. You would more expect a kiss on the cheek and a good morning whispered in your ear.

Do I expect too much from people? Maybe. 

From the moment I left my house and drove to Ft Lauderdale, I had a slight uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t pin point it, I just thought it was me and my hormones. I just felt like tonight would be the night that I will know if I want to continue talking to this person. I ask for attention I want attention, I want to be wanted and not just only in the sexual way. I want the man to want to talk to me on the phone and to think of me in the morning when he wakes up and be the last person he talks to. I know people probably think I live in a fantasy world with the things that I want. I don’t think it is too much to ask for

.

 When I got to my destination which was at a Winn Dixie parking lot which I thought was a bit odd for a meeting point, I got out of my car and saw him and kissed him hello. I was nervous once again. I don’t know why this was what the fifth date and I kept getting nervous to see him, like it was the first time all over again  for me. We walk in to the super market to get wine, did a little small talk while he payed for the bottle.

We get to my car and head to the hotel. Yes we were going to spend the night with each other. We have been talking to one another for about a month now, and pretty much have seen each other once a week. We decided to stay overnight and just veg out in bed and watch TV and just enjoy each other’s company.

I had made the reservation to the hotel because I had asked him if he had already done it, he said no and asked me to do it. I was ok with that.

So once we get to the hotel I felt the shadiness begin, why? You may ask, well let’s see. He first tells me that to not worry he will pay for the hotel in the morning in cash, to me that was a red flag. Two things went through my mind that I was going to either get stuck with the bill or he was hiding something from someone that he had to pay in cash. I should know because I have a lot of adulteress that come into my hotel and want to pay in cash.

I told him I had no money on that card and that they are going to want to swipe a credit card at check in. he says to not worry about it. But this supposed nice night together was already off on the wrong foot. I had my worried face which I was, because my mind was racing a mile a minute thinking of every different scenario of what he was up to. He kept asking me what was wrong because he saw my face and I told him, it will be embarrassing when they swipe that card and they say it is declined. He gives me the card back and I felt a bit relieved. I couldn’t put it past me though that something was going to happen.

We finally get up to the room and we were both surprised by the room we got, we were both getting comfortable and settled in. He lays on the bed as do I and start watching a bit of TV. He starts kissing me and everything else disappeared for that moment. Once after that happened MY CONCERNS AND WORRIES STARTED FLOODING MY HEAD, I still was worried and had some questions that I wanted to ask him but was nervous to ask because I felt stupid. But I felt like my questions had valid concerns behind it. I started asking him why he wanted to pay in cash, because the only time I have seen that is usually because they don’t want someone to see the bill. He laughed it off and thought that my question was odd. But I had explained to him that remember we barely know each other and we met online and I’ve been lied to before so I am going to have that kind of concern in my mind. He told me he wasn’t married or had a girlfriend. So to not worry. 

But I was, I still was I felt like he was hiding something.

I left it alone....

We stepped out of the hotel to somewhat run a mission to get his credit card he left at a bar the weekend before. So he can pay his bill for the hotel.  Then we went and stopped to get a bottle opener for the wine. We headed back to the hotel once again and started drinking and watch comedy central, we are talking a bit more and showing some videos that we think are funny. 

We had sex again…….

After that we kept watching TV and just talked very little and I finally fell asleep. He did not. He kept watching TV and drinking his wine. I kept opening my eyes throughout the night, at one point he was turned over back towards me and he was on his phone. 

Throughout the beginning of the night, I had forgotten to mention he would get a text after text.

In the morning around 6:55 I think that is when he nudged me. We got up and got into my car so I can take him home. He seemed a bit hesitant for me to know where he lives I really don’t think he wanted me too, take him but he kind of had no other choice. My assumption was that he wanted to get the fuck out of the hotel as fast as possible so he can go home. But I could be wrong. 

I head back to the hotel and text my friend jenny feeling so down about everything and she called me, I spoke to her telling her everything and cried on the phone with her. Once we hung I fell asleep.

I didn’t cry for him per say, I cried more on the fact that I thought he would be different. Or maybe it was me. Maybe im the one to blame for certain things to happen. I don’t know. All I know is if he was interested he would of text me by now. And he hasn’t so like I always do without giving anyone a chance. And to protect myself I deleted his number, and have not wanted to text him, because of my anger that I have. I am not angry towards him I am angry at myself. I did it again I fell off the bike. And the scab has just opened up again and is bleeding.  My wound will never heal until I stop picking at the scab and that is all I keep doing. I have come to the conclusion that I think I am going to start going to therapy. Not because of relationship it’s more of the fact that I feel like I might need it just for myself to realize certain things and get a little help with the things that I believe I need help with. 

I will continue being myself but i think my search for Love has been put on hold for now. I dont want to ride the bike until my wound is healed, and the only way is to do that is to leave it alone.

Catalina