HERE COMES THE BRIDE....

 

MIAMI,FL

LISTENING TO: BRIGHT EYES

In a few days I will be walking down the aisle….

No, I am not getting married. My oldest Niece is getting married. She has been dating her soon to be husband for several years now. 

It is so hard to believe that she is getting married; it was just the other day that we were at my house and we were dressing up, putting on a show in the living room, putting on makeup, and playing with Barbies. 

Our relationship was not a typical aunt and niece relationship. It was more like a sister relationship.

I had sisters but they were much older than me, my niece is about 2 years younger than me. So imagine we would do mostly everything together. I do miss that relationship that we had. 

You sometimes wish things didn’t have to change, wish you can stay little and enjoy those beautiful moments with one another and keep playing and pretending to be Cindy Crawford and Christy Brinkley. We are older now; she is marrying the man of her dreams, her soul mate.

I really do believe that is her other half.

The relationship has grown so beautifully, the respect and love that they have for one another is amazing you don’t see that these days. I have a very good example in my life with the relationships around me. My sisters, brothers and parents are all in very beautiful, committed relationships and you feel and see the love when you are around them. 

The one thing that I want for my niece and soon to be nephew would be an everlasting relationship, just like the ones that they have around them. They have many examples that are in there lives. His parents have been together for a very long time as well and the love that you see with the both of them is one in a million.

Even though we have had our differences in the past, we will always be family and we will always love one another.

She is starting out not a new chapter in her life, but a brand new book. I am very excited for this new book and to be a part of it. It has been amazing to watch the little girl that I once new grow up to be such a beautiful woman. And I am extremely honored to stand by her on this day, it will be a very emotional day for me and I know for a lot of the family and loved ones. It will be a beautiful memory in my book to have always and forever. It was just a year ago I got to witness the beauty and serenity of one of my sisters getting married, and what a beautiful moment that was for me. Now I get to watch this woman who I watch grow do the same.

I can’t give relationship advice, because I am not in one, I can’t give marriage advice, because I have never been married, I can give advice as someone a bit older and a little bit wiser who has been through there fair share of things in life.

Advice:

*Don’t go to bed angry

*Communicate with one another

*If you are angry, cool down and then talk to one another

*don’t ever stop making out, even when you are eighty years old (makes you feel young)

*respect one another

*give each other space

*don’t yell at one another (discuss things)

*compromise

*have lots of sex

*make each other laugh

*do not lie (no matter what)

*always remember that you are each other’s best friend

Carolina, I know you are going to look beautiful on your wedding day I have no doubt about it. All I can say is thank you for the memories that we have had together and the memories we will continue to have with one another. I treasure every moment that I have with you. I know you have thought otherwise in the recent months, but all I can say to you is that I love you and I want nothing but the best for you and your happiness, and I truly hope one day that I find a man that makes me happy the way Luis makes you happy and complete. Be calm on your day, because this is your day, and what I have learned from Alejandra’s wedding when she was getting married, was to not sweat the small stuff. Relax this is the day that you will commit the rest of your life to your best friend.

I love you with all my heart.

Luis, I am glad that you have come into not only Carolina’s life but as well the family. You are an amazing man and I am so proud to say that you will be my nephew from now on. I don’t need to tell you to take care of Carolina and to treat her well because you have already done that. Thank you for making her happy and for loving her unconditionally.

I know the two of you will have a happy and amazing future.

Love always

Cata

FALLING OFF THE BIKE.....

MIAMI, FL

LISTENING TO: LYKEE LI

Today I was awoken a bit abruptly by a fist to my back, it wasn’t a punch it was more of a nudge, either way it wasn’t the most pleasant thing to be awoken to after the night you spent with that person. You would more expect a kiss on the cheek and a good morning whispered in your ear.

Do I expect too much from people? Maybe. 

From the moment I left my house and drove to Ft Lauderdale, I had a slight uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t pin point it, I just thought it was me and my hormones. I just felt like tonight would be the night that I will know if I want to continue talking to this person. I ask for attention I want attention, I want to be wanted and not just only in the sexual way. I want the man to want to talk to me on the phone and to think of me in the morning when he wakes up and be the last person he talks to. I know people probably think I live in a fantasy world with the things that I want. I don’t think it is too much to ask for

.

 When I got to my destination which was at a Winn Dixie parking lot which I thought was a bit odd for a meeting point, I got out of my car and saw him and kissed him hello. I was nervous once again. I don’t know why this was what the fifth date and I kept getting nervous to see him, like it was the first time all over again  for me. We walk in to the super market to get wine, did a little small talk while he payed for the bottle.

We get to my car and head to the hotel. Yes we were going to spend the night with each other. We have been talking to one another for about a month now, and pretty much have seen each other once a week. We decided to stay overnight and just veg out in bed and watch TV and just enjoy each other’s company.

I had made the reservation to the hotel because I had asked him if he had already done it, he said no and asked me to do it. I was ok with that.

So once we get to the hotel I felt the shadiness begin, why? You may ask, well let’s see. He first tells me that to not worry he will pay for the hotel in the morning in cash, to me that was a red flag. Two things went through my mind that I was going to either get stuck with the bill or he was hiding something from someone that he had to pay in cash. I should know because I have a lot of adulteress that come into my hotel and want to pay in cash.

I told him I had no money on that card and that they are going to want to swipe a credit card at check in. he says to not worry about it. But this supposed nice night together was already off on the wrong foot. I had my worried face which I was, because my mind was racing a mile a minute thinking of every different scenario of what he was up to. He kept asking me what was wrong because he saw my face and I told him, it will be embarrassing when they swipe that card and they say it is declined. He gives me the card back and I felt a bit relieved. I couldn’t put it past me though that something was going to happen.

We finally get up to the room and we were both surprised by the room we got, we were both getting comfortable and settled in. He lays on the bed as do I and start watching a bit of TV. He starts kissing me and everything else disappeared for that moment. Once after that happened MY CONCERNS AND WORRIES STARTED FLOODING MY HEAD, I still was worried and had some questions that I wanted to ask him but was nervous to ask because I felt stupid. But I felt like my questions had valid concerns behind it. I started asking him why he wanted to pay in cash, because the only time I have seen that is usually because they don’t want someone to see the bill. He laughed it off and thought that my question was odd. But I had explained to him that remember we barely know each other and we met online and I’ve been lied to before so I am going to have that kind of concern in my mind. He told me he wasn’t married or had a girlfriend. So to not worry. 

But I was, I still was I felt like he was hiding something.

I left it alone....

We stepped out of the hotel to somewhat run a mission to get his credit card he left at a bar the weekend before. So he can pay his bill for the hotel.  Then we went and stopped to get a bottle opener for the wine. We headed back to the hotel once again and started drinking and watch comedy central, we are talking a bit more and showing some videos that we think are funny. 

We had sex again…….

After that we kept watching TV and just talked very little and I finally fell asleep. He did not. He kept watching TV and drinking his wine. I kept opening my eyes throughout the night, at one point he was turned over back towards me and he was on his phone. 

Throughout the beginning of the night, I had forgotten to mention he would get a text after text.

In the morning around 6:55 I think that is when he nudged me. We got up and got into my car so I can take him home. He seemed a bit hesitant for me to know where he lives I really don’t think he wanted me too, take him but he kind of had no other choice. My assumption was that he wanted to get the fuck out of the hotel as fast as possible so he can go home. But I could be wrong. 

I head back to the hotel and text my friend jenny feeling so down about everything and she called me, I spoke to her telling her everything and cried on the phone with her. Once we hung I fell asleep.

I didn’t cry for him per say, I cried more on the fact that I thought he would be different. Or maybe it was me. Maybe im the one to blame for certain things to happen. I don’t know. All I know is if he was interested he would of text me by now. And he hasn’t so like I always do without giving anyone a chance. And to protect myself I deleted his number, and have not wanted to text him, because of my anger that I have. I am not angry towards him I am angry at myself. I did it again I fell off the bike. And the scab has just opened up again and is bleeding.  My wound will never heal until I stop picking at the scab and that is all I keep doing. I have come to the conclusion that I think I am going to start going to therapy. Not because of relationship it’s more of the fact that I feel like I might need it just for myself to realize certain things and get a little help with the things that I believe I need help with. 

I will continue being myself but i think my search for Love has been put on hold for now. I dont want to ride the bike until my wound is healed, and the only way is to do that is to leave it alone.

Catalina

GETTING BACK ON THE BIKE.......

Jan 22, 2013                            

MIAMI, FL

LISTENING TO: THE LUMINEERS

People have told me time and time again that I need to stop looking for love. 

 I continue on my search for finding this meaningful thing.

 I am at the moment talking to someone.

Dating has not been a very easy process for me. It has been painful in many ways because of the fact that I have realized that I am still broken, I think the only time I will realize that I am better is when someone can show me what I am really looking for.

 Which is honesty and someone I can trust.

I have a lot of pain in my heart when it comes to men, but the thing is I know that not all men are the same. There are people that are different and not going to do that same thing to me. I use to be so open with every guy that I met I use to say everything that I thought in my head or what I felt…

 That was not good.

I don’t know where this is going, and where it is headed. But what I do know is that I am enjoying the time that I spend with him.

 Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I have those doubts, and question everything that he says, and wonder if he is telling me the truth. Do I believe him?… to an extent, I don’t think you should trust fully at least not so soon, do I express and show him my insecurities and tell him when I doubt him… NO!!! Because that is just reverting back to my old ways.

 Questioning him about everything would make someone go crazy, like the way I make myself go crazy sometimes.

 What I do know is this, I have dated many guys in the past 2 years I would of called myself a serial dater let’s say. What I learned about myself is, yes I am insecure and so is everyone else, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions are out there for everyone to see, I am kind and caring, I am a sexual being but will not have sex with just anyone, I have my limits and boundaries and there are many people who don’t have respect for that. I am proud of the woman I am today I have accomplished so much and I am happy being who I am, and anyone would be lucky to be with someone like me, they will know love when they Love me because I will show them that.

 I will not betray or destroy trust like it was done to me.

 I am not bitter or angry from my past but I am scarred from it and anyone who takes me and wants me, has to really truly show me that they want me for me. Many men have had their opinion about me, and have analyzed me and told me what they thought, which was I’m crazy, insecure, analytical, outspoken, and they thought I wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

Who is ever ready for anything?

Yes sometimes you can plan things out and prepare yourself for the “event” but really you are not fully ready because nothing comes to you as planned.

I am open; my heart is open for this. I know that and I will only give my heart  fully to someone that is willing to hold it ever so gently in their hands and give it enough love to heal the scars. I have healed some of the scars.

 I kinda feel like a kid when you fall off a bike and you scrape your knee, you are scared you don’t want to ride that bike again because you feel like you will get hurt again. That is exactly what I feel. I am so scared of that pain of scraping my knee that I don’t know if I can get back on the bike.

SO far I’m on the bike and I’m riding it, but I have so much anxiety thinking that I am going to fall off of it again and hurt myself.

Whatever happens to me in my life is for a reason, and so far everything has happened according to someone’s plan.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, and i surely do not know what will happen with my California boy. But what I do know is I am learning something every day, and he came into my life for a reason, and we will have to wait and see for what exactly. Hope fully it is not another lesson.  And hopefully I don’t fall off the bike. I really would like to stay on this bike and continue riding it for as long as I can.