Well it’s
here!!! My birthday I am a year older, a little bit wiser, tougher, more
confident, happier.
Beauty does
come with age, I feel like I have become much more beautiful as I get older.
Only because
I have grown much more confident with in myself, and realized it is ok to be
alone. You have to be happy with in yourself to receive the many amazing
beauties in this world, which I think would be self worth, happiness, and love
with in yourself. That is when you start seeing so many things different,
things just looking clearer.
I honestly
feel that in the past two years that I have been single, I have been having one
of those rollercoaster rides of emotions of everything that I went through in
my last relationship. The pain is gone now. The happiness is in me, the
happiness of knowing that it happened for a reason no matter how bad things
ended, and to be honest I know many women say this to one another but I don’t need
anyone to say this for me, IT WAS TRULY HIS LOSS, that is the truth.
I have found
some new hobbies in my life, which is going to the gym I actually hired a
trainer and he kicks my ass every time I see him. It makes me feel better I can
let out the anxieties of a bad day at work or just stress alone that I have to
deal with, it is my form of zanax. It calms me down and I love it.
I still have
so much changing that I want to do and I will, continue I am more determined
now for myself I am much more driven.
I want to
thank the people that have been through thick and thin in my life, new and old
thank you for loving me for me and accepting me for all my funny and crazy
ways.
I am so
blessed to have each and every single one of you in my life you know who you
all are.
So once again I have not written in a while. Reason being I was
going through a slight low for a while going through the same routine, an
unhealthy routine. Focusing on anything that was not me, something just clicked
one day and made me stop the vicious circle. I am not saying I am better now I’m
cured of being the insecure girl that I have been for a long time. It takes
time to stop thinking that way and to start believing in myself.I have realized my issues and why I have
issues towards men, which I have come to accept it.
My first boyfriend I was 17 when I met him, and it was great
at the beginning just like most relationships at the beginning it usually is
great. Then things started changing I got comfortable in the relationship. We would
go out to eat and go out to eat again for some reason when you are in a
relationship you tend to go out to eat. Why? It’s like no one is creative to
think of other things to do in a relationship, other than eat.I was very insecure at the time, never knew
the meaning of sexy which it is now at the age of 30 I know what it is and feel
it much more than ever before.
Cutting to the chase, years into the relationship I was
becoming unhappy because I felt like things were changing, he had mentioned
things like I have gained weight. Make me watch what I ate; finally for my
birthday he comes into my house for my birthday party, he had a card at hand as
my present with a rose. When I opened the gift it said that he had signed me up
for La weight loss. That was a blow to the ego. I realized the type of person
that I am; if someone forces me to do something I won’t do it, even if they
give me some incentive.
Like my mother one year said if you lose this much weight I will
pay for you to go to Chile to see your family. Did I take up the offer? NO!!! Other
people would have, but I didn’t want to. I felt insulted.
My second boyfriend, well I have explained in past blogs
that I was with him for five years and I had a kid with him. I went through a
bad depression for a while and had gained a lot of weight, my heaviest was 315
pounds, it was to the point when I was with him and I was trying to lose weight
I felt like in some form he would purposely try to sabotage the way I would eat
just so I didn’t lose weight. Because of his insecurities he didn’t want me to
lose weight because he thought I would leave him for someone else.
Then my last boyfriend the one who I talk about a lot in
this blog, I started this blog as therapy because how hurt I was the way
everything had ended. Well he was let’s say not very proud of me, especially at
the beginning he never really wanted to show his affection out in public, but
in private was different. It was to the point that he would not hold my hand in
public and all because he had this vision of what he should be with when it
came to physicality, and I most definitely did not fit into that picture of his
mind. I of course never knew my worth in any of these relationships.I have begun to learn what I am worth, and I know
one thing that I don’t want to be with anyone who is not going to love me for
me.
So I have had a membership to the gym for months now and
instead of going I would just watch every month they would deduct money from my
account. So about a month and a half ago I started going to the gym, I was
going everyday and I did well by myself but then I hit a moment that I started
getting bored. So I decided to take up the offer of a trainer. I went one day
and made an appointment with a trainer he explained to me everything and how it
works. Honestly I thought in some way I was making a big mistake by adding this
on, but so far just a week and a half with Sammy I have seen a huge difference
not only in my body, but for just going to the gym and working out I feel much
happier I have a routine and I don’t care anymore about the bullshit that I use
to think about, my mind is clear. I truly have him to thank for that. I’m
excited to see the changes. I have a goal of 50 pounds by January, not only
will I be smaller, I will be much more confident in myself only because I know I
can do this. One thing about Sammy is he pushes me and that is what I need. I opened
to being pushed to that limit. He gets me to the point where I want to kick him
in the balls of the pain that I am in at that moment, but like he says every
time I tell him that I hate him. “You will hate me now, but will love me later”
it’s true I am great full for his support and the push that I need. You feel
empowered when you are lifting weights and thought you can’t do it. He is there
in your ear telling you, you CAN do it. He reminds me of those teachers that
you have in school that see your full potential and push you until you do it
right. I am so happy where my life is headed right now. I am in a much better
place in my life and I am so happy that I took the initiative to do this.
Today as I was done with my workout with Sammy and went to
go do cardio for half an hour, I started thinking a lot of my past and how
proud I am of myself. As most of my close friends and family this is typical of
me but I got emotional it was to the point that I could not breathe because I wanted
to explode in tears of how happy I am. What made me think and get to that point
was listening to the song of Kelly Clarkson, Mr. Know it all. I t just made me
think of all the people that I have come across in my life that have always assumed who
I was by first glance or if I opened my mouth, people can assume who I am, but really
don’t truly know who I am. This song is inspiring for me listen to the words it
will make you think , and make you realize that no one really know’s who you
truly are except for yourself and that is all that matters…ALL I HAVE IS ME !!!!!!
