November has been
pretty tough month. I had stopped doing a lot of things that I was doing to
make myself happier and better. I decided in my mind that I was ready to start
dating again. I go through my phases that I want to be by myself and then I feel
lonely. So I went back on line to find a man. I found some people that lasted a
bit longer than just one date.
There was one he was an electrician, I enjoyed his company
he was nice and good looking. There were a few things that bothered me about
him. I started thinking wow I’m shallow to even consider these things, this little
small courtship or whatever you want to call it, Ended by him calling me crazy.
I laughed at that one because he was the one that brought up the fact that he didn’t
feel like he loved me. I told him that I thought it would be too soon to tell
if he was in love with me, I was still questioning if I wanted even to have
anything with him.
I had to question my true feelings, because subconsciously I
had felt that I was using him in some way, I think now and wonder if I was using
him for his company. Because I didn’t have that feeling for him, that oh my
goodness feeling, that excitement that I was going to see him, the butterflies
even when we kissed. . (Nothing!!!! I felt nothing) I felt like I was forcing
something when that connection wasn’t even there.
See the problem about online dating its very drive thru
service style… you look and see what you want you make your order and when you receive
it and you don’t like it you take it back and this is all in a two day process.
Where is the time of truly getting to know them? Yes you like them cause of the
packaging and yes sometimes you get false advertising but sometimes life
happens and they are not always going to look or be like there profile. It is
funny how most women are more understanding about things… like oh you have two
kids that’s ok I love kids…. Oh you are in between jobs… that’s ok I understand
you will find something new…
I’ve been that way a little too often feeling like if I decline
the date I am missing out on something. I have been the yes woman, saying yes
to almost any date possibility that I have encountered. When the electrician
left I was a bit sad because someone was giving me the attention that I wanted.
That I had been craving for. I had stopped going to the gym because I had
focused my time on my job and my life and free time was with the electrician. I
didn’t like the way I felt sometimes with him I had felt I was being judged. I didn’t
judge him for living with his parents at the age of 35 or question why he was
not married. Everyone goes through their journey in life and takes them to
where they are at the moment it doesn’t mean that it will not change. Like my
son J says it is in my story mommy. This is our story, our journey and it is
not finished being written, we can take ourselves out of this chapter and move
on to another one that is only if we choose to. I choose to move on to the next
chapter, I am going to have many chapters in my life. What I am tired of is
this chapter right now; I want my next chapter to be a happy one. Which so far
it has started off great. my mind is clearer and I know what I have to do to
prove to myself, I have realized that all the struggles and strife that I have
gone through this past month has only been the reason of solely one person,
that person is ME! I am my own worst enemy, we all our to ourselves. I have
been stressed and angry for things that I do have control over, and I am here
to change them.
After the electrician I had met Boston, he was ten years
older but he was a breath of fresh air, his humor, his personality. He had a
child just like me same age and all. When I had spoken to him it was
comfortable he would tell me stories of his childhood and I would love to hear
the stories, and vice versa. I was still going through my shit so my mindset
was all over the place I enjoyed the little feelings that someone seemed genuinely
into me, I had not felt that in a while. For the first few days we would text
mostly the whole day, and then from there we would talk for a couple hours.
My mind was unsure; it has its moments that it fights with
me making me feel like I should not believe anything he says. That of course
stems from my last relationship, and the only reason I was even feeling this
way was because of the fact that I was going through that time of the month
that every woman goes through, for some reason they have become very tough for
me the emotions that I have on top of the stress that I had been going through,
didn’t mix well like a really bad combo of alcohol and beer. It makes you sick.
The day we met it was great we had kissed and everything,
but once that happened I became even more insecure than my normal self, like
that is it there is nothing else he is not going to talk to me anymore calls it
self-sabotage, mental self sabotage in some way. I guess I do this out of fear
of getting hurt I prepare my mind that they are not into me just so I don’t have
to deal with that excruciating pain that I once felt in my life. I thought I was
over that whole thing it has been two years, but I guess not… I still have
scars of that past relationship. One person told me that if I continue to think
that this person will do what the last person did to me, then I am pretty much
bringing my past with me. I have to give them the benefit of the doubt. No
matter what you have been through the person that you are with now, is not the
same person that you were with last. So do not think that they will do the same
to you.
I am going to focus on me again, number one person that
needs to be focused on, all else will fall into place, I cannot control love and
cannot control life either but I can control on working on myself and that is
all I am going to do…. I will begin to write my story once again and have this
chapter be a good one, one that I can be proud of…
Stay tuned….
Sincerely
Catalina
