We all have
these things that we want to do in our life, call them goals, achievements, and
a bucket list. They can be something’s that are small and minuscule to the
large and grand. I have had thought of many things of what I would like to do. So
far I started my list. Which is to lose more weight. We all have to take our
time to complete these achievements that we set out for ourselves. I know I can’t
do everything all in one day. But that’s the best part that you have all these
things to look forward to. I’ve never had this idea before call it laziness, or
not being hopeful. Now at my age I think very differently. People are always so
bitter and angry with this world that we live in. I say embrace your strengths
and work on your weakness and stop blaming this world that we live in and the
people that are in it. We are our own worst enemy; our mind is a very powerful
part of ourselves that makes us think we can’t do things. But like the best
teachers we have had in our lives that have always said to us you can do
anything if you put your mind to it. There are things on my list that I know
that people will be like “yeah right” you can’t do that. I don’t care what
other people think I want to do something I’m going to do it for me.
Here is
my list of things that I want to do.
Lose weight
Find happiness
Financially stable
Go back to school
Learn how to play an
instrument (possibly the drums)
Write a book
Be a sexologist (sex
and relationship therapist)
My son be happy and
healthy
A non smoker
Learn how to dance
flamenco
Visit new places
Go to more concerts
Meet new and
interesting people
Spend more time with
family
Make a difference in
this world
Be more of a bitch
Have my own place
Get plastic surgery
Sing
Laugh more
There are so
many more things that I probably can’t think at this moment but will be added
on to my list in the future.
Start writing
your list today and start working on what you want to do with your life. This
is your life always remember that no one can tell you what you can or cannot do
with it. Enjoy the time that you have.
Like
reptiles we shed skin. Now we may not do it every six years or whatever the
amount is that they might shed their skin.
Sometimes we
need to shed that old skin every 2 years or less than that. We all go through
things in life where we question the decisions that we have made. We question
where our life is headed and when we go through the bad things it makes us see
things that we may not have noticed before about ourselves. I have been through
this long road of self pitying in some way, and I am tired of it. I want to
feel happy and not worry about those small things. Yes sometimes I have the
victim tendencies. People who are usually insecure and not happy with in themselves
like me are “victims” well they make themselves the victim. They tend to blame
others for their mistakes and for there down falls. I am tired of that behavior
that I have grown accustomed to. I usually blame men for the pain that I feel
inside of not feeling happy and beautiful. At the end of the day I am the one
to blame for that. I was once told that I am too willing I am submissive. I
never thought of myself as that before. I always thought I was a strong woman
who wouldn’t take crap from anyone but at the end of the day I have. I have
taken a lot of shit from people. The only way I can stop being this way and to
change this old skin of mine is to shed it and let it go, bury it and not look
back. Since 2009 I have been trying to change my physical appearance thinking
that will help me with my self esteem, which has helped but I was still doing
self destructive things. One thing that I was doing ever since my ex boyfriend
had broken up with me was trying to distract myself with men. I was doing the
online thing meeting men going on dates and basically wasting my time when I should
of mended my heart from the pain that I have felt, the betrayal of what he did
to me was intense and not a lot of people would have been able to come out of
it sane. In some way I probably have not, I have a lot to work through when it comes
to that last relationship, especially self esteem. I was going into the dating
process thinking that I was ready to love another but really how can I love
anyone else if I didn’t love myself. Men are like dogs they can smell the
insecurities the desperation the fear from a mile away. I thought I had a hold
on myself and my emotions but I did not I still don’t.
See the
thing is I know who I am and I know who I want to be, but If I don’t make the
changes of who “I WANT TO BE” which is someone who is happy and confident with
herself and wants to have a career and be able to fully support my child without
help of others than I feel that piece of my life will not flourish. So what I have
decided is to start thinking of myself and to stop distracting myself with small
petty things that are not important right now. I need to learn how to be alone
to live in silence. So I have decided to have a funeral for my past. Not that
my whole past was all bad but I want to bury it and move on with the present
and my future. I have many goals I want to achieve. The first step is eating
healthy. I went recently to a plastic surgeon and had a consultation with him
of things that I am not happy with when it comes to the physical. He inspired
put a fire under my ass to get to the goals that I want to achieve when it
comes to physical appearance. Yes it is vanity that I suffer from just like
many others. I look back to the process of where I begin and realize I have
come a long way. So in 2009 I was weighing 315 pounds that is my heaviest that I
have been ever in my life. I recently started to get back on the ball of losing
more weight; the great part about it is that I am doing this for me to be
healthy and happy within myself. People usually do it for the wrong reasons.
THIS IS ALL FOR ME! So since 7/11/2012 I have lost 7 pounds. So in total since
2009 from 315 to now 230 pounds I have lost a total of 85 pounds. I have a goal
by January when I see Doctor Baker once again I will have lost 50 pounds. I as
well promised him that I will be a non smoker. Now that part has been the hard
part. But I have a date of when I want to stop. I thought cutting cold turkey
would be the best but it was not. So I herby announce by August 30, 2012 on my
31st birthday as a gift to myself to stop, with the patches and
whatever I am going to need for that goal. So I am feeling slightly liberated
on what I have decided to do. It has not been easy so far it’s like any addict
trying to quit there drugs, I am like that when it comes to my addictions,
attention from men, food and smoking, it’s hard to cut out all these old habits
I have been going through my form of detoxify. It’s funny it makes you think
more when you are not trying to distract yourself with all these things. It
makes you a little depressed. But now I have to find new healthier routines to
distract or expand the mind.
So good bye
past it was great having you, you will be missed and I will treasure every
moment that I had. I will still look back and remember the good and the bad. But
I will not return to my old ways.
I am a
beautiful woman who is intelligent who needs to get out, you have kept me there
for too long and what I have learned if it doesn’t work one way than change to
a new life style. Which that is what I am about to embark on.
